Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected

In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension.

"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."

When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it's a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he'd abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.

What He Should Have Done Instead

Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn't even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.

If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn't be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it'd be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it's not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.

Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."

Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he'd suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he'll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he'd suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we're betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.

After all, it doesn't make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don't really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn't look like Billy Bob Thornton.

"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."

At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister's love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn't anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of "bros before hoes?"

Cornelius tells Lindberg that the blackness is seriously bad juju and that the very last thing Lindberg should do is fuck with it. Lindberg thanks Cornelius for his frankness, and with his next breath gives the order to fuck with the blackness like it was going out of style.

Okay, so we totally get the concept of fearing what we don't understand. We get it, we really do. Strange things are scary, and we just want them go to away. Kind of like Alexis Arquette. However, at some point you have to stop and consider whether or not lashing out due to fear is a wise course of action, especially when what you're afraid of is the physical incarnation of the concept of evil (whoa, that's deep.) We're thinking that in that case, maybe it's not such a good idea to shoot first and ask questions later.

After screwing the pooch by ignoring the priest (who we'd like to remind you was present both as an advisor and as a freakin' expert on the phenomenon,) and launching an ill-fated attack on evil, the president does the only thing he can think of: he enlists a cab driver to save the universe. Because nothing makes us feel safer than knowing our lives are in the hands of someone like Judd Hirsch.

Okay, so it could have been worse.

What He Should Have Done Instead

What the hell is the point of having advisors if you're just going to ignore them and do what you want anyway? What's the point of having experts around to tell you what you should and shouldn't do, and how royally screwed you'd be if you don't listen to their counsel, if you're not planning on doing the actual listening?

While we fully understand how a president might feel safe putting his life in the hands of Bruce Willis, we find it shocking to believe that there was no one, let alone an entire tactical team with big futuristic weapons, who could be trusted to protect Milla Jovovich and her ridiculously annoying alien language.

Oh yeah, this has gotta work.

And another thing: if your only hope of saving the universe is a scantily clad and underfed alien, you may want to concoct a better plan than putting her on what amounts to a glorified Carnival Cruise with your heroic cabbie. What is this, Scooby-Doo?

Aliens just don't understand.

What He Should Have Done Instead

For one thing, he could have waited more than a day to choose the most extreme solution possible. While the aliens posed one hell of a threat to our continued existence, Whitmore chose to act brashly and basically do their job for them, thus expediting their goal of conquering Earth. In an effort to cover his ass with a heroic act, Whitmore chose to hop in a fighter jet and fight the aliens himself, wasting his missiles and ultimately using a drunk crop duster pilot to take down one of the alien ships.

It's also hard to ignore that within hours of his rash decision making that resulted in the destruction of a major American city a brilliant plan was hatched that would ultimately defeat the space invaders. Granted, it was a plan that hinged on whether the aliens had updated their Norton Anti-Virus software, but that doesn't change the fact that waiting more than a couple hours before blowing the shit out of Houston might have been a smart move.

Malcolm Says: "Norton Anti-Virus actually gave a computer I had a few years ago some hideous form of computer super-AIDS. The aliens might have been smarter than you think."

In the end, the biggest change Whitmore should have made was to simply sit down and chill for a second rather than rushing to conclusions and making spur of the moment decisions. Realistically, Whitmore should have realized that moving from city to city with only a handful of ships was probably going to take awhile, so making the quickest possible decision no matter how irresponsible or dangerous, might not have been the smartest idea. We can only assume that Whitmore just wanted to make sure to get this whole thing over as quickly as possible, so as not to ruin Labor Day too.

Check out more from Jeff and Malcom at The Last Gaffe.