Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected
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Jeff Kelly
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- May 09, 2009
Every Saturday we let some of our favorite writers fill in for us. The Last Gaffe is a comedy website founded by Cracked writer Malcolm Christiansen and staffed almost entirely with other Cracked writers. We'd sue him for stealing all of our writers if we didn't enjoy the site so damn much. Today, Jeff Kelly offers a guide to inspirational movie presidents, and why they'd never get reelected.
Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far... well, change takes time. But that's neither here nor there.
The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won't have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected...
4Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)
How He Fucked Up
In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they'll never, ever say to us is, "Shit, I guess you're all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere."
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves.
In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension.
"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."
When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it's a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he'd abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.
What He Should Have Done Instead
Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn't even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.
If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn't be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it'd be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it's not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.
Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."
Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he'd suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he'll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he'd suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we're betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.
3Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)
How He Fucked Up
For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother's new woman. And then you know shit is on!
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
"Suck my dick, England."
From his disconcerting "low talking," to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it's a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We're a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of "Show me them titties!"
In a single trip to London he managed to:
- Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair,
- Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries' oldest alliances, and
- Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF.
To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.
"What's this supposed to be, some sort of heartwarming seasonal comedy about life and love? Fuck that, get those titties out!"
What He Should Have Done Instead
With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister's requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly "don't touch my woman."
After all, it doesn't make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don't really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn't look like Billy Bob Thornton.
"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."
At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister's love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn't anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of "bros before hoes?"
2Tommy "Tiny" Lister as United Federation President Lindberg (The Fifth Element)
Lister showing off his acting range by demonstrating the hard-to-pull-off facial expression denoting "I am about to poop myself."
How He Fucked Up
When a noted expert who you yourself called in to advise you in a troubling situation tells you maybe, just maybe, it's not such a good idea to provoke the massive, ancient blob of universe-devouring evil, you might want to listen. Just sayin'.
"Mr. President, we have common sense on the line, any interest in listening?"
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
To his credit, Lister does a great job of portraying the way a cross-eyed former wrestler elected to public office might handle a difficult situation. When confronted with the strange phenomenon of a big ol' confusing thing that seems to be made of spreading darkness, President Lindberg calls in High Priest Vito Cornelius (Ian Holm) for a consult, hobbits being respected authorities on big balls of inky nothingness.
Cornelius tells Lindberg that the blackness is seriously bad juju and that the very last thing Lindberg should do is fuck with it. Lindberg thanks Cornelius for his frankness, and with his next breath gives the order to fuck with the blackness like it was going out of style.
Okay, so we totally get the concept of fearing what we don't understand. We get it, we really do. Strange things are scary, and we just want them go to away. Kind of like Alexis Arquette. However, at some point you have to stop and consider whether or not lashing out due to fear is a wise course of action, especially when what you're afraid of is the physical incarnation of the concept of evil (whoa, that's deep.) We're thinking that in that case, maybe it's not such a good idea to shoot first and ask questions later.
After screwing the pooch by ignoring the priest (who we'd like to remind you was present both as an advisor and as a freakin' expert on the phenomenon,) and launching an ill-fated attack on evil, the president does the only thing he can think of: he enlists a cab driver to save the universe. Because nothing makes us feel safer than knowing our lives are in the hands of someone like Judd Hirsch.
Okay, so it could have been worse.
What He Should Have Done Instead
What the hell is the point of having advisors if you're just going to ignore them and do what you want anyway? What's the point of having experts around to tell you what you should and shouldn't do, and how royally screwed you'd be if you don't listen to their counsel, if you're not planning on doing the actual listening?
While we fully understand how a president might feel safe putting his life in the hands of Bruce Willis, we find it shocking to believe that there was no one, let alone an entire tactical team with big futuristic weapons, who could be trusted to protect Milla Jovovich and her ridiculously annoying alien language.
Oh yeah, this has gotta work.
And another thing: if your only hope of saving the universe is a scantily clad and underfed alien, you may want to concoct a better plan than putting her on what amounts to a glorified Carnival Cruise with your heroic cabbie. What is this, Scooby-Doo?
1Bill Pullman as President Thomas Whitmore(Independence Day)
Along with hoping that our leaders will tell us that everything is okay in the face of a crisis, we also hope that they'll be reasonable and use logic and, maybe, oh, "foresight." We hope that whatever their decision, they don't rush into it, and they've fully thought through all of the potential consequences. Especially when they're thinking about whether or not they want to detonate a nuke on American soil.
Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected
Aliens sure can be a nuisance, and if Independence Day taught us anything, they have a knack for trying to ruin beloved American holidays. When they're not preventing us from getting drunk at a barbeque, they're trying to take over our planet and destroy us all. On the bright side, at least there weren't any anal probes.
With the majority of the world's major cities completely destroyed within 36 hours, President Thomas Whitmore did the only thing he can think of: he nuked the shit out of Houston, presumably because he figured the quicker our cities were annihilated, the sooner the aliens would leave.
While the aliens were eventually defeated thanks to the quick thinking of DJ Jazzy Jeff Goldblum and the fists of fury of the Fresh Prince, we find it hard to believe the American public would forgive Whitmore for launching a nuclear attack on one of his own cities. And even if the voters were able to look past the initial destruction caused by Whitmore, we have a tough time believing they would have been able to ignore the years of fallout and the ensuing slew of mutants soon to be roaming around Houston. You know, like Yao Ming.
Aliens just don't understand.
What He Should Have Done Instead
For one thing, he could have waited more than a day to choose the most extreme solution possible. While the aliens posed one hell of a threat to our continued existence, Whitmore chose to act brashly and basically do their job for them, thus expediting their goal of conquering Earth. In an effort to cover his ass with a heroic act, Whitmore chose to hop in a fighter jet and fight the aliens himself, wasting his missiles and ultimately using a drunk crop duster pilot to take down one of the alien ships.
It's also hard to ignore that within hours of his rash decision making that resulted in the destruction of a major American city a brilliant plan was hatched that would ultimately defeat the space invaders. Granted, it was a plan that hinged on whether the aliens had updated their Norton Anti-Virus software, but that doesn't change the fact that waiting more than a couple hours before blowing the shit out of Houston might have been a smart move.
Malcolm Says: "Norton Anti-Virus actually gave a computer I had a few years ago some hideous form of computer super-AIDS. The aliens might have been smarter than you think."
In the end, the biggest change Whitmore should have made was to simply sit down and chill for a second rather than rushing to conclusions and making spur of the moment decisions. Realistically, Whitmore should have realized that moving from city to city with only a handful of ships was probably going to take awhile, so making the quickest possible decision no matter how irresponsible or dangerous, might not have been the smartest idea. We can only assume that Whitmore just wanted to make sure to get this whole thing over as quickly as possible, so as not to ruin Labor Day too.
Check out more from Jeff and Malcom at The Last Gaffe.
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