6 Random Coincidences That Created The Modern World
#3.
The Spur of the Moment Land Deal that Created an Empire
As you can see, it's easy to take great men and accomplishments for granted. After all, Napoleon was a brilliant general, so it's easy to assume that no matter what else happened, he would have taken power in France, and got closer to conquering the world than anyone else in modern history.
Well...
The Ridiculous Coincidence
The thing was, Napoleon wasn't born in France, but on the French island of Corsica, in 1769. And as recently as the year before that, Corsica wasn't French.
Pictured: Bonaparte House, and the only reason Corsica is important.
Before the day the Corsican landscape presumably tore apart to deliver baby Napoleon from the earth in a storm of fire, the island was ruled by Genoa. More specifically, it was ruled by whichever filthy rich bearded Genoese banker bribed the duke enough to be granted governorship. Unfortunately, the island was constantly rebelling or being conquered by random Turks.
Finally, after five centuries of struggling, Genoa said "fuck it" and gave up on Corsica. Honestly, it was pretty shitty, anyway. The duke sold it to some French guy.
Then that guy handed it over to the French crown, for whatever reason. Over the next several years, French soldiers were smuggled onto the island and stuffed into the citadels.
Finally, in 1768, Genoa and France signed a treaty, officially ceding the island to France.
And How Did it Change The World?
Out popped Napoleon Bonaparte a year later. Even though he was born to an Italian family, it was technically on French soil--and even then only tentatively, as Corsica was revolting again. Thus, he became a French citizen, which allowed him to join the French Army.
Fast forward a couple of decades. The French Revolution comes to Corsica, and the next thing anyone knows, some random Italian idiot from some backwater island nobody had ever heard of, is ruling France, and doing a hell of a job.
If the land deal had gotten delayed, or the treaty signed later, or any one of a thousand things had happened to delay the handover for a year, no Napoleon.
#2.
The Heart Attack that Saved the Western World
You know how every comic book villain and James Bond mastermind has some convoluted plan to take over the world? Totally ridiculous, right? The entire world? Come on. Nobody can possibly hope to do that.
Or maybe real villains just don't think big enough, because it can be done. In fact, if it weren't for a well-placed heart attack, it probably would have already happened.
The Ridiculous Coincidence
Welcome to Central Europe, circa mid-13th Century. A few years ago, you got word of some powerful distant nation, led by a guy named Genghis Khan, was destroying the hated Muslims. "Great!" you said. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend! What could possibly go wrong?"
Europe.
Then things started getting sketchy. You heard about this mysterious army utterly annihilating Russia. Hey, that's not right! Russia is Christian! They're Orthodox heretics, sure, but they're still Christians.
Then one day, you finally meet this friend. Except, instead of bringing you Funyuns and Mountain Dew, he's here to slaughter you and everything you hold dear.
Folks, this was the Mongol Invasion of Europe. And shitty Europe, with its clunky knights and piss-poor peasantry, could do absolutely nothing to stop it. The Mongols, led by Genghis Khan and later, his son Ogedei, defeated the armies of such greats as Hungary, Austria and the Holy Roman Empire. They utterly plundered Poland (thank God that country never suffered again), and set their sights on the next densely populated nation: Germany.
Oh, yeah. They would have totally been fine.
Then, the Mongolian leader, Ogedei Khan, died. And everyone had to go back to Mongolia.
Why? Because Mongolian cultural traditions required everyone to go back home when a new khan ascended. Everyone knew that Ogedei's son Guyuk was going to succeed him, but they all had to go back to Mongolia and ceremonially "vote" for him anyway--or vote for someone else, and probably get their face skewered.
And How Did it Change The World?
More than you might think, actually. One recent book speculates that the Mongols' destruction of the Islamic heartland, and their comparative non-destruction of Europe, was what allowed the West to become the power center it was.
After they were done piling skulls into pyramids and ripping fetuses out of pregnant women's uteri, what the Mongols basically did was connect the world. New trade routes opened up, and new contacts were made between the major centers of population.
So while China and the Middle East were getting their shit burned, Europe was gaining new contact with the East. This, in turn, motivated the Age of Exploration. Hence why the West has nukes and computers and technology today, while everyone else has goats and carriages. Thanks, Mongolia!
#1.
The Meteor Shower that Gave us Christianity
The fact that there are two billion or so Christians in the world today is largely due to one guy: Constantine the Great. He's the Roman emperor who legalized Christianity, converted to Christianity himself and cleared the path for spreading the religion throughout Europe and then across the globe.
So go for it, atheists. Here's who you have to blame.
But Constantine wasn't always a Christian. In 310 A.D., not-yet-emperor-Constantine was fighting a civil war against another guy laying claim to the throne, Maxentius, who we believe made such claim based purely on the fact that his name was awesome.
After several months of fighting, Constantine and Maxentius met for a single, decisive battle. Maxentius had almost twice as many men but, as it turns out, Constantine had God on his side. A few hours before the battle, Constantine "saw with his own eyes in the heavens a trophy of the cross arising from the light of the sun, carrying the message, 'Conquer By This.'"
And he did.
The World-shattering Coincidence
Depending on how religious the person is you are talking to, the sign he saw in the sky was either a miracle or some ridiculous thing he imagined/made up later for the awesomeness. Turns out, it was apparently just a massive, flaming meteorite that just happened to be flying by at that moment.
That's right, the entire religious makeup of the modern world turned on a random hunk of space rock.
OK, that doesn't explain the words "Conquer By This" flying across the sky. It's possible here that he decided to enhance his meteor shower viewing by dropping some nice acid.
If however it turns out the meteor's trajectory was such that its flame trail did somehow spell out "Conquer By This" across the sky in the man's own language, well, we probably have to give props to the divine intervention school of thought.
And How Did it Change The World?
Constantine went on to win and become Roman Emperor. Forever altered by the events of the battle, he passed the Edict of Milan, which granted religious tolerance to everyone!
Well, not everyone.
Christianity exploded in popularity and a few decades later, was declared the sole religion of the empire. And the rest is... well, you know.
For more lucky occurrences that changed history, check out 5 Accidental Inventions That Changed The World. Or find out about some assholes writer that were lucky in their own right, in 6 Writers Who Accidentally Crapped Out Masterpieces.
And visit our Top Picks to see the sites that were good enough to make it (read: provide boobies) and the ones who are on their by pure coincidence (read: show no boobies).
The Gettysburg Address didn't end slavery. You've confused it with the Emancipation Proclamation.
ReplyAlso, I would disagree that Antietam was a huge victory for the North, because McClellan basically sat around holding his dick and didn't take the opportunity to crush Lee's army, despite the advantage he had. The battle was more of a draw than a Union victory, but because it wasn't a crushing loss, the Union regarded it as a victory.
Uh, those are characters from Fate/Stay Night, yes? What's the joke?
ReplyI once had an Italian class with a Bosnian girl whose grandmother was Gavrilo Princip's 2nd cousin, making my classmate Gavrilo's 2nd cousin twice removed. She felt a little weird about it.
Reply#1 is misleading. That event didn't give us Christianity. It took place 310 A.D.; after death, as in of Jesus Christ. Christianity was already established. I just thought it felt like something needing pointing out.
ReplyIt spread it throughout Europe by Constantine adopting it, which is what the article pointed out. Christianity being officially organized many many years after Jesus' death by the committee that chose the books they wanted for the New Testament (selecting Jesus as the official "messiah" from the many that claimed it) and discarded the other books, now that's a different story altogether...
A.D. stands for Anno Domini - 'the year of our Lord'. Not after death. FYI.
My friend just told me a nice place -- T' a'' ll m' i n 'g 'l' e. С'⊙'M '-- it's the most effective site in the world to connect with, date and marry tall, and big people.. It's worthy a try.
ReplySo based on number 4 the US is the entire world?
ReplyI am fairly sure the American civil war did not create the modern world, maybe the modern US but not the world. The US is just a small part of our planet sorry to break it to you guys. There are hundreds of other countries out there.
There was a cracked article somewhere else about annoying commenters, you should go read it
Actually, the U.S is not a small part of our planet. It is a very, very, very large and important part. No matter how much you dislike the U.S, it's here, it's important, and if it every went away, the ensuing chaos would probably destroy the world as we know it.
Two things about the last one:
Reply1) It was a vision, not a sight in the sky. It would be more realistic if the whole thing was in a dream, since a meteor passing through the sky hardly gets the combined shape of the X and P which was the symbol Constantine saw. It would technically be more realistic if it was described as a dream sequence where big C looked up to heaven and found an X merged with a P.
2) Constantine granted Jewish rabbis and priests the same rights as Christian ones, which then, since the Emperor was Christian, getting the same rights as Roman state priests. Many Christians were mingling Jewish holidays with their own to the point that Bishops like John Chrysostom worried that Christendom would lose its distinctive identity and become another arm of Judaism. Antisemitism came from the cold hard fact that Jesus was thought of by the Jewish Rabbis as the antichrist, the false messiah, and a bastard son of a Roman soldier and a Jewish whore. Which was where John Chrysostom's and a lot of other bishops' grievances about the Jews came from. THAT was the source of antisemitism, folks. Calling Christianity's, well, Christ, as THE false messiah and calling out His Mother, who is beloved in Catholic religion and lore, as a whore would certainly not endear Christians to Jews. And Jewish rabbis held onto that blasphemous opinion for 1900 years, only until the 20th century did they change. Which explains why the Catholic Church picked on Jews during Medieval times and beyond, but turned around and tried to save Jews during the Holocaust.
The Rabbis could've at least been ambiguous. Let people accept Jesus based on their own decisions.
Yeah preach it as it is. Judaism is the source of antisemitism. It is so clear now! I suppose Jewish people went to Hitler and asked for a really really hot sauna too and everything else is all a misunderstanding.
so Jesus sent the meteorite? xD
ReplyWhere is this sandwich and who do I need to kill to get it? (Better not have that cottage cheese on it...)
Replythat sandwich's gone off a bit by now
I will probably get flamed for this, but here goes: I feel like you are going a bit out of the way to bash God on #1, Swaim. Christianity was already huge and quickly growing in the Roman Empire at the time of Constantine, despite the Romans doing their level best to keep it down. Constantine realized this, and used the battle and the Edict of Milan to gain their support. Making it the official Roman religion just helped Christianity do faster what it probably would have done anyways. If he hadn't picked up on the trend, someone else would have.
ReplyPersonally, I am a Christian. Do I believe Constantine? I generally say no. However, I also think if it were a meteor, someone else (it was during a battle) probably would have seen it.
he was never a Christian, he created the catholic church so the roman empire would not get ripped apart in religious struggle. that means the catholic church were formed by a "heretic"
Swaim isn't the Author. It' some dude named Espino.
#6 is the funniest of them all. Everything because of one man and a sandwich. lol.
ReplyI know! SO FREAKING HILAROUS! Man, thinking of all those lives lost really gets me in the mood for a good gut laugh.
The Edict of Milan actually had little effect on Judaism. It merely stated that the empire did not anymore favour a particualr religion and gave all Jews (wether they be Jewish or Christian), all Christians and all pagans the freedom to practise their religion without interference from the state. It also allowed Christian Churches to take back all the property that was confiscated from them before the Edict. Why would the author assume that the Edict somehow short-changed the Jews?
Replycuz even though they were allowed to do what they wished religiously speaking, Jews weren't allowed to s**t without christian approval. since Christianity was the official religion, it be came the most popular, and we've seen how dominant religious groups tend to treat the other less popular ones....
Should have been included: Wilson's illness while negotiating the Treaty of Versailles. Not that ignoring ethnic nationalism while drawing the world's borders ever caused any problems or anything....
ReplyWas that really caused by the sickness though? America in the early 20th century (or any time before that), along with most of Europe, didn't particularly care what happened to land that wasn't theirs or people that weren't of their particular nationality unless their was a chance that they might obtain the said land. Also, Woodrow Wilson was a racist asshole, so its unlikely he cared much anyways. And if you don't believe me about Wilson, look it up.
Surprised you didn't mention the card game that led to America's independence. Apparently, until it was too late, a British Admiral sent his messengers away because he thought his poker game was more important than the news his spies had for him. That George Washington was crossing the goddamn river.
ReplyI saw that in a different Cracked article. :P
I wrote a paper about the Mongols some time ago, and I remember learning that they totally ass-whooped Europe's finest, including the famous German Teutonic Knights shortly before Ogedei's death. Every single knight died at the hands of the Mongols' superior tactics and weapons. It's pretty safe to say that had he not died and the Mongolian compaign not haulted, the Mongols could have gotten all the way to the UK. They had already beaten the best in Europe, so the comparative barbarians of England wouldn't have been so hard.
Replyodds are the Monguls wouldnt have concoured the UK, the Romans had trouble when it camr to the weather destroying there fleets, so the horde may have got across the channal, but they would have met the weapon that made the British isles a medevil power, the English Longbow, with Welsh bowmen (considerd the best in the world at the time) using them, the horde would have meen decimated
ReplyNot quite; the longbow shot about 50 pounds of force harder, but the longbowmen themselves were hardly as well trained as the Mongols, nor was the longbow as resilient. Mongols were trained to fire their bows with dead-eye accuracy... at night. Wearing ridiculous armour. While RIDING. They were so good at riding, the messengers slept while still mounted so they wouldn't lose time. The English tactics of the time were pretty much crappier all around.
And let's not forget that the Mongols had composite bows
Was there anybody else who wanted to listen to some Franz Ferdinand after reading this article?
Replyokay. i don't usually comment, but the end note stating that texas is talking about seceding because we elected a black president is nonsense. They're protesting the trillions of dollars in debt that Washington spends, not the color of the guy's skin. Espino, that's called lying, and it's generally looked down upon.
ReplyAnd it's worth noting that most of the seccescionist talk is half joking.
Sure, we can focus on taking down all the evil regimes of the world. There will always be another Hitler, always another Stalin, always another Frank. You probably don't know Frank, but he causes a lot of problems. But, we are overlooking the obvious. If you want world peace, declare war on sandwiches. End the sandwich and you end the conflict in the world. Start with the Grilled Cheese. The Grilled Cheese has already infiltrated our youth, sounds a lot like the Hitler Youth. The sandwiches must be dealt with.
ReplyWhat was that sandvich? Kill them all?!
ReplyGood idea!
"YOU ARE A LOOSE CANNON SANDVICH, BUT YOU ARE A DAMN GOOD COP!"