7 Retarded Tax Evasion Schemes (People Are Actually Trying)
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Since the time of Benjamin Franklin, Americans have done their best to disprove his famous statement, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." While we here at Cracked have been at the forefront of disproving the former, we've been a little less helpful about the latter. We're not talking about free-riding fatcats, but rather those true heroes who valiantly argue that the vast majority of Americans should be paying no income tax at all. And while their success rate has so far been zero (unless we're counting those not paying taxes because they're in prison), we'd like to salute the visionaries and the bat-shit insane legal arguments which they truly believe will make a judge say, "You know what? You got us! Shut it all down!" #7.
The "Spelling and Punctuation Count" Argument
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you are Lea Viglione, and you've logically determined that the attractive shouldn't have to pay taxes. After a few years of non-filing you receive an envelope with a return address of IRS, Department of You Are So Fucked, Washington, D.C., addressed to ATTN: LEA VIGLIONE. Now, if your first reaction is "Uh oh, game over!" well, just get out your checkbook, quitter. If, however, your reaction is, "Hmm... I wonder who this LEA VIGLIONE is, as my name is clearly Lea Viglione," then you're on your way to an insanely awesome legal argument!
Amazingly enough, numerous people have argued that JOHN DOE is an entirely different entity from John Doe. In case you're wondering why the same rule-of-thumb that helps you ignore retarded message board posters would also help them avoid taxes, their delusion seems to be that there is no right to collect taxes from individuals, so the government creates "straw men," indicated by capitalized "fraudulent legalistic names" on tax forms and court documents, that it can tax as businesses or other taxable entities; shockingly, most of us brainwashed fools pay these straw men's tax bills.
Similarly, people have ignored correspondence without their preferred, unorthodox punctuation as being addressed to the wrong person, as Walter Edward, Kostich, Jr. did with any correspondence omitting that extra comma. And when all of that fails, just do what Michigan resident Lynn Ealy did: he "notified the IRS that his name had been copyrighted and that if the IRS used his name for any purpose, the IRS would be subject to a $500,000 fee." #6.
The "Missing Persons" Argument
Even simpler, you can admit that the IRS Code gives them the right to collect taxes from "persons," but you just so happen to not be a person. The Sovereignty Education and Defense Ministry--highly recommended for those who want a dash of Jesus with their tax evasion--quotes a sample U.S. legal statute that states "The word 'person' includes individuals, children, firms, associations..." and concludes "NOTE HOWEVER, THE DEFINITIONS STATUTE DOES NOT LIST MAN OR WOMAN -- THEREFORE THEY ARE EXCLUDED FROM ALL THE STATUTES!!!" [Page 67]
Of course, we can probably ignore this as it's in capital letters, but perhaps the multiple exclamation points cancel that out. This line of argument has had the exact same success rate (zero) as similarly limiting definitions of the terms "individual" and "taxpayer." #5.
The "Don't Mess with Minnesota" Argument
U.S. citizens are liable for income taxes. Pretty straightforward, right? So let's just move on to the next argument... You didn't think it was really going to be that easy, did you? In fact, the first three words of that statement have triggered dozens of legal arguments. Like most people, you would probably assume that a person (sorry: "person") born in the U.S., who has lived in the U.S. their whole life and who has never been outside the U.S., even for a Tijuana donkey show, could safely be considered a U.S. citizen. How wrong you would be.
First, you could simply renounce your U.S. citizenship... without ever leaving home! How? Simply declare yourself a "sovereign citizen" of your individual state, like current prison inmate Richard Simkanin did when he repatriated himself to the "Republic of Texas." You can't be a citizen of two places at the same time, can you? (Answer: yes.) OK, we expect this sort of thing from Texans, but others have declared themselves "Free Citizens of the Republic of Minnesota" and "citizens of the Maryland Republic petitioners [who] are exempt from the Federal income tax law."
Or, you can do what Dr. Louis Genard did: declare yourself an "Ambassador and Citizen of the Kingdom of Heaven under its King Jesus the Christ" and apply for diplomatic immunity. You'll still have to pay taxes, but maybe as an Ambassador they'll let you park right outside the prison. #4.
The "Too Many Stars on the Flag" Argument
Or you can agree that United States citizens have to pay income taxes, but Texas (or Minnesota or Maryland) isn't actually a state. Yep. You see, the tax code declares: "The term 'State' includes the District of Columbia, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Guam and American Samoa." While this is obviously there to get that... Guammian? Guammite? tax revenue, a whole bunch of people have argued that the "United States" does not include the 50 states, only the specifically named locations. This has worked about as well as you'd imagine, since the IRS "uses a more conventional definition of the United States." Well, they would, the bastards.
Like the "Missing Persons" argument above (and a whole bunch of others), this one relies on a definition of "includes" that differs from dictionaries, the Internal Revenue Code itself (which says "includes" doesn't "exclude other things otherwise within the meaning of the term defined") and the Supreme Court. This has not been a successful strategy so far. |
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The best tax dodges ever are the first ones ever developed, and people still abuse the s**t out of them today. Set up a limited liability company, take your pals out to dinner, then claim the dinner back as a 'business expense'.
You get the idea - renting DVDs is a 'promotional expense'. And so on. In this country, LLCs can also claim more or less everything back on GST (Goods & Services Tax) returns. Mate of mine with an LLC that went round schools doing educational superhero shows for kids paid more or less no income tax for four years. Went bankrupt, but who cares? There were no assets to lose in teh first place! Another buddy of mine's father has also somehow
convinced the IRD that the annual income for his (moderately lucrative) machinery business is 32 dollars, and thus pays no tax. True stories, both.
Tax protesters are the idiots that embarrass conservatives the way anarcho-punks embarrass liberals. I think our drug laws are unconstitutional and wrong, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. The law is quite clear; The federal, state and municipal governments have the right to tax individuals. If you don't like it, you can try to change the laws or you can break the law and suffer the consequences, but you can't seriously argue that the laws don't exist.
And satanyokel, if the FRB has all our money, who is paying for the roads? The Freemasons? The Trilateral Commission? Amway?
Conspiracy theorists are so cute when they're debunked.
Your Federal Income Tax ends up in the hands of the Federal Bank of America. A PRIVATE institution. Not roads and such as some of the fuckwits would claim.
just want so say some thing "great job"
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@elvisjulep: I wasn't bragging. I was merely responding to being called a dumbass by italianprincess. As for your critique of my "bonehead post", I'm of two minds. Either...
a. You were too busy playing internet grammar-nazi to read the comments I was responding to and missed the point completely.
b. You were keeping track of the comments and consider yourself in the the same camp as redjimmy and italianprincess but dont't have the guts to admit it in an open forum so you chose to belittle an opponent's punctuation, instead of presenting an intelligent argument about the subject at hand.
Can't you turn Amish and not pay any income tax? Or is that only state taxes?
lbh -
Before you start bragging about your fluctuating 140 IQ again, riddle me this. How many simple mistakes are in this line from your boneheaded post?
"Thanks too all those filthy, filthy immigrants Our Culture is now "displaced" with Cinco Di Mayo..."
I'd hate to see your good days.
uh... http://www.irs.gov/taxpros/article/0,,id=159932,00.html#_Toc224375580
There you go... It's even in one of the links in this article.
You should do some research too.
I love how many 'fucktards' in here don't differentiate between state/local taxes (which are fine), and the federal income tax on individual American's labor and wages (which IS unconstitutional and actually not law, anyway).
As this challenge has been made many times, and has never been accomplished (by any entity, individual person or IRS), provide documented statutes in the tax code (have fun) that clearly states that working individuals have to file federal income tax returns, and that it is punishable by means of fine, incarceration, and forfeiture of property for not doing so.
It can't be done. IRS agents can't find the 'law' (and many have quit and have been fired over it's lack of existence), IRS higher ups when asked to present this 'law', they don't give straight answers and always fail to comply. And there have been cases (more than a few, you know) where the people have beaten the IRS after they can't prove that they have to pay federal income taxes. Strange how the author would leave this tidbit of information out.
But no, surely, people such yourselves who have put no effort into researching this issue at all (outside of reading this article, I guess) are informed (and audacious) enough to insult others who don't believe in being taken advantage of by the fed. But, such is your right and I won't deprive you of it.
Though, I can ask you to at least look into this issue a bit further, and give it some real thought. To reach enlightenment, you must travel the path yourself. Good day.
Tax evasion is really very easy. My parents do it every year. First, you just have to be too lazy to pay your taxes. When the IRS comes knocking on your door, whine about how you don't have the money. They'll garnish your paycheck, and your honest, tax paying kid won't be able to get financial aid because you were too lazy to find the calculator!
far as i know evading taxes is actually quit simple, just move to Somalia or some other 'failed state'.
beatnik should stop being lazy and just move there, he could even take his gun with him, and have a nice fun gunfight every afternoon. or at least for the 10 seconds it would take his neigbours to shoot him just to steal that gun.
after which he can choose between being in a government sponsord hospital or being a burden to his family for the remainder of his life.
@DrXym, most of these people go through all this hassle just to save, like $200, on taxes. judging from their enormous effort in keeping that money that's probably a year's salary worth to them.
Income tax is legal, but it ain't right. I totally understand why these people do what they do.
The basic assumption is that the government takes from us what they want, right off the top, and we get no choice in how it is spent.
It's not like 19th century slavery, no - they at least sometimes had the option of saving up and buying their way out of the situation that took the fruits of their labor.
I don't know which is worse, paying the federal government for the privilege of working, or paying rent to the county on a piece of property I'm supposed to own.
Government should only do what only government can do, and they don't need my income to do it. The older I get, the more it looks like what they should do is nothing.
Roads? If not for zoning law and an active 50-year campaign to kill rail, I'd be walking or riding to work. Police? I trust the Glock 26 in my pocket WAY more than I trust Johnny. Welfare? I call it "my family". Monopoly big businesses? Can't exist in a completely deregulated market.
It doesn't matter what program you throw at me, I can easily point out how it's not doing 99% of us any good, and how most of the time it's f*****g things up for the other 1%. That means the taxes are stolen and squandered.
FYI CRACKED, it's Guamanian.
THE MOAR YOU KNOW!
Here's something not a lot of people know: many of these arguments are illegal to make, and the IRS can actually add more in penalties and prison time for making them in court. Reason is, they have been shown to be frivolous.
okay. you don't have to pay taxes.....
but you don't get to use public roads, public schools (colleges included), public hospitals or anything funded in the slightest way by taxes.
paying taxes doesn't sound too bad now does it?
Funny how many fuckatards here in the comments are still claiming taxes are unconstitutional even after this article has a link explaining exactly why they are perfectly legal.
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hahaha hilarious article. i have heard some weird tax evasion stories from friends at www.affluence.org but never anything like this!
I am surprised that the kinds of people who use stupid tax evading arguments were ever in a position to accrue money in the first place.
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more power to you, idiots.