The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time

#3. Closing One Eye to Avoid Seeing Double

A Swedish woman was caught driving with a blood-alcohol level ten times the legal limit, by keen detective work including "Look, Frans, that car is swerving across every lane in the road". Yes, that's "every" not "both" - she'd gone right for the drunk-driving "Highway bonus level" on her first time out. After a three mile chase which we imagine was less "Bullitt" and more "Wacky Races" she was pulled over and breathalyzed. Apparently the cops had time to note the reading before the fumes dissolved the device.

The drunkard in question reassured the concerned officers that the effects of the alcohol were offset by the fact that she kept one eye closed, and therefore would not see double, (it's the logic that's guided drunk pirate captains for centuries).


"Yaarrrrr!"

The police were less than impressed and locked her up for two months.

Better Excuse:

"No, osshifers, I'm just winking because I'm so sexually attracted to you, you manly stud you. Sorry, lady. Whatever, it's all good for me because I'm REALLY drunk."

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

She would have to be Daredevil. (And she is not Daredevil.)

#2. Lunatic "Forgot" He was Holding a Gun

Duy Dao took exception to two girls, (ten and fourteen years old), walking on a public street past his house. He lifted his net curtains and started shouting at them, then accused them of making fun of him, at which point he was probably right on the money. If kids aren't making fun of you before you screech ineffectually through your granny-curtains at them, they certainly are after. The 42-year-old then really showed those kids who the man was by getting his gun, pointing it at them with his finger on the trigger and telling them he was going to "blow their brains out."

Okay, so it was only a BB gun, but you have to remember that this was in England and, without the wonderful second amendment, child-threatening lunatics have to make do with what they have. On arrest, Mr. Dao admitted that he had pointed the gun at the girls. When the police pointed out, probably in a quite incredulous voice, that pointing guns at children was kind of a big deal, Duy immediately changed his story to say that he "forgot" he was holding the gun, thereby advancing the frontiers of dumbass litigation by making even the "I forgot I was holding a gun" defense more unbelievable than it normally is.


"Am I still holding it now? Seriously, I have no idea."

Better Excuse:

"Please arrest me quickly, I need to be taken off the streets as fast as humanly possible." Saying that you shouldn't be arrested because you habitually forget when you are and aren't holding a gun is the worst excuse since Judas claimed he thought the Romans were taking Jesus into protective custody.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Nope, not possible. There is no way you could create a situation in which pulling a gun on a 10-year-old girl is a good idea. In court, Mr Duy's barrister withdrew from the case on the grounds that he was "professionally embarrassed" by being in the same room as him. This guy is a defense attorney. He's probably defended murderers and rapists to the best of his conscience and ability, and it took Mr. Dao for him to say "That's where I draw the line."

#1. Marijuana Manhood "Misunderstanding"

John Williams, who has skipped court dates for drug charges several times, was arrested by police on suspicion of having drugs. At no point did it occur to him that they might search him for drugs. So either he's really bad at having drugs or really good, because whatever he's on must be awesome.


It wasn't this John Williams, but wouldn't that be awesome?

While checking him into prison, officers were surprised to discover nine grams of marijuana wrapped around Mr Williams's penis, presumably because he'd run out of pockets earlier in the day. This erotic and untimely discovery, by the way, upgraded the charges against him from "having drugs" to "attempting to smuggle drugs into prison." At which point John unsheathed his megavillian brain and masterful oratory skills by assuring those present that the whole situation was just a misunderstanding.


"I was holding it for a friend. On my penis. My friend is in prison."

Now, if you're eating with a group of friends and you accidentally grab somebody else's wallet off the table, that's a misunderstanding- you're not really trying to rob them. Or if you stumble onto private property while looking for a bathroom, that's a misunderstanding, too. But wrapping nine grams of pot around your weiner? There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding. "I got naked and fell into a pile of weed and decided not to check myself afterwards"? Nope. "I thought this was how you properly disposed of drugs"? No you didn't. "My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.

Better Excuse:

"I'm part of a highly secretive, extremely experimental undercover Drug Enforcement Team. In an effort to catch a gang of all homosexual pot-dealers, we wrap marijuana around our dicks. We call this 'fishing,' and it's awful." You're bound to at least get some creativity points for that.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

For the entire world to be a retarded sitcom, written four generations into a writers strike, where everyone has nine grams of marijuana around their genitals and ten times that in their bloodstream.

For more crazy criminals, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Super-Villains. Or check out how nuts the good guys can be in 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman.

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