The 7 Stupidest Criminal Excuses of All Time

The 7 Stupidest Criminal Excuses of All Time

As cops love to tell us, they've heard 'em all. They even have standard issue cop cliches to tell you they know you're full of shit, such as "Tell that to the judge, pal" and "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law."

And then there are those excuses that leave cops unable to muster even a slightly grizzled retort, where the only proper response is uncontrollable laughter. We're talking about excuses like:

Secret Agent Hobo

The day started like any other day for the Saratoga Police Department: Some transient was drinking in the street and was soundly arrested. Things took a turn, however, when the man claimed to be part of a top secret Australian covert ops unit. We're not sure which secret agency requires you to drink in public and tell the first people you meet all about it, but suspect it's not a very good one. (Also, we would like to humbly submit our resumes for consideration.)

Agent Marshall Cartwright's secret espionage gear included a beer keg, hallucinogenic mushrooms and a wetsuit, perhaps under the assumption that, to catch a drunk, delusional international terrorist, you needed to think like a drunk, delusional international terrorist. He also had a harmonica, because seriously, who doesn't get the blues every once in a while?

Better Excuse:

"Dude, I'm a bum and I've got a keg of beer. What else do you expect me to be doing?"

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Since Marshall was trying to sell his hobo-beer to passersby, measured out in a jar he happened to have on his person, this would imply that Australia's intelligence community are terribly, terribly underfunded. And crap.

"She Looks Like the Man Who Turned My Cat Gay"

Jose Correia's cat escaped on October the 27th, and you're about to find out why even an animal that cares for nothing but food and licking its own balls would want to run from the crazy bastard. For his search party, Correia recruited the help of local schoolteacher Anabela Cruz but declined the help of another neighbor, Jose Macedo, on the grounds that the latter was homosexual. And therefore useless at finding pussy.

Can YOU spot the cat? If not, you are a homosexual.

Once he found the cat, to thank everyone for their help, Jose went home, got his Browning 6.35 mm pistol and shot Anabela. If that seems odd, you have to understand that, in fairness to Jose, he thought Anabela, (the schoolteacher), was actually Macedo the (homosexual). Again, in fairness, he also believed that Macedo had buggered his cat thereby converting it to the ways of Sodom, and since he was waving a gun at the time probably managed to make it sound even crazier. When you look at it that way, Macedo's actions don't seem too unreason- What's that? They still do? Even more unreasonable, you say? Huh. Alright then.

Better Excuse:

"Look, I just hate gays, okay? I thought I could somehow spin this whole 'cat thing' into a reasonable excuse, but it sort of got away from me." It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong; the police would have to respect that kind of honesty.

Though, that is, like, the gayest cat we've ever seen.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Catching the guy in the act. Cat-rape is one of those cases where hearsay and conjecture just isn't enough. You come home and find some guy squatting on top of a squealing Mister Kittens, then by all means, empty your pistol. But if you want to kill someone you need a better reason than "I have no reason to suspect that he didn't rape my cat. Or, for that matter, that you didn't. And- hey, are you arresting me?"

Extreme Bondage

There are a number of ways to hide your extramarital affairs: you can wait till your partner goes on a business trip, claim to be going out with some friends, or organize two dates at the same time in the same restaurant (if you live in a romantic comedy). Or, if you're Rebecca Bargy, you can tie your husband up with a blocked airway and leave him for twenty hours until he dies (this one doesn't work so well in romantic comedies).

On second thought, if they made a movie version of this with Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson, we'd probably watch it.

According to CBS News she "placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head", indicating that either CBS isn't particularly good at "event sequences" or Rebecca was strong enough to shove a ball through solid duct tape. She also tied his hands and feet behind his back and slipped into something sexy. Specifically, the sexy car taking her to a sexy motel room containing another sexy man. While her husband suffocated. She claimed that this bondage was entirely consensual, which police have the temerity to doubt.

"So, you're saying he begged you to tie him up, kill him and cheat on him? Huh."

Better Excuse:

"Oh gosh, did I leave the ropes on? Normally it's the oven!"

::rolls eyes::

::studio audience laughter::

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Her central argument was that James Bargy enjoyed being tied up and left to stew in his own inevitable excrement for nearly a day, all the while thinking about another man banging his wife. If that actually worked, it would set a precedent allowing people to simultaneously murder and cheat on their spouses on the grounds that "they totally wanted it," and, come on, marriage is hard enough.

Speeding Because She Doesn't Understand Metric

A California woman was fined $405 by Canadian police for speeding at almost a hundred miles an hour. Her excuse was that the speed limit signs were in kilometers per hour and she didn't understand metric.

The problem is that a hundred miles an hour is the same speed no matter what you measure it in - just because you cross the border doesn't make "pushing your foot all the way down" affect the engine differently. Did she think her engine was so patriotic it needed extra encouragement to drive on un-American soil? Did she think that time moves slower in Canada? Was she right? (We've never been.)

Better Excuse:

"But I thought Canadian laws didn't apply to Americans!"

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

For ignorance of the law to make you immune to it, and even in a country where one of the fundamental rights is "Any crazy bastard who wants can have a gun," we know that's a bad idea. The legal system has already proven that people are prepared to be as stupid as required in the hopes of making a claim - once it makes them immune to prosecution society will go straight to "Mad Max: Retard Edition."

Closing One Eye to Avoid Seeing Double

A Swedish woman was caught driving with a blood-alcohol level ten times the legal limit, by keen detective work including "Look, Frans, that car is swerving across every lane in the road". Yes, that's "every" not "both" - she'd gone right for the drunk-driving "Highway bonus level" on her first time out. After a three mile chase which we imagine was less "Bullitt" and more "Wacky Races" she was pulled over and breathalyzed. Apparently the cops had time to note the reading before the fumes dissolved the device.

The drunkard in question reassured the concerned officers that the effects of the alcohol were offset by the fact that she kept one eye closed, and therefore would not see double, (it's the logic that's guided drunk pirate captains for centuries).


The police were less than impressed and locked her up for two months.

Better Excuse:

"No, osshifers, I'm just winking because I'm so sexually attracted to you, you manly stud you. Sorry, lady. Whatever, it's all good for me because I'm REALLY drunk."

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

She would have to be Daredevil. (And she is not Daredevil.)

Lunatic "Forgot" He was Holding a Gun

Duy Dao took exception to two girls, (ten and fourteen years old), walking on a public street past his house. He lifted his net curtains and started shouting at them, then accused them of making fun of him, at which point he was probably right on the money. If kids aren't making fun of you before you screech ineffectually through your granny-curtains at them, they certainly are after. The 42-year-old then really showed those kids who the man was by getting his gun, pointing it at them with his finger on the trigger and telling them he was going to "blow their brains out."

Okay, so it was only a BB gun, but you have to remember that this was in England and, without the wonderful second amendment, child-threatening lunatics have to make do with what they have. On arrest, Mr. Dao admitted that he had pointed the gun at the girls. When the police pointed out, probably in a quite incredulous voice, that pointing guns at children was kind of a big deal, Duy immediately changed his story to say that he "forgot" he was holding the gun, thereby advancing the frontiers of dumbass litigation by making even the "I forgot I was holding a gun" defense more unbelievable than it normally is.

"Am I still holding it now? Seriously, I have no idea."

Better Excuse:

"Please arrest me quickly, I need to be taken off the streets as fast as humanly possible." Saying that you shouldn't be arrested because you habitually forget when you are and aren't holding a gun is the worst excuse since Judas claimed he thought the Romans were taking Jesus into protective custody.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

Nope, not possible. There is no way you could create a situation in which pulling a gun on a 10-year-old girl is a good idea. In court, Mr Duy's barrister withdrew from the case on the grounds that he was "professionally embarrassed" by being in the same room as him. This guy is a defense attorney. He's probably defended murderers and rapists to the best of his conscience and ability, and it took Mr. Dao for him to say "That's where I draw the line."

Marijuana Manhood "Misunderstanding"

John Williams, who has skipped court dates for drug charges several times, was arrested by police on suspicion of having drugs. At no point did it occur to him that they might search him for drugs. So either he's really bad at having drugs or really good, because whatever he's on must be awesome.

It wasn't this John Williams, but wouldn't that be awesome?

While checking him into prison, officers were surprised to discover nine grams of marijuana wrapped around Mr Williams's penis, presumably because he'd run out of pockets earlier in the day. This erotic and untimely discovery, by the way, upgraded the charges against him from "having drugs" to "attempting to smuggle drugs into prison." At which point John unsheathed his megavillian brain and masterful oratory skills by assuring those present that the whole situation was just a misunderstanding.

"I was holding it for a friend. On my penis. My friend is in prison."

Now, if you're eating with a group of friends and you accidentally grab somebody else's wallet off the table, that's a misunderstanding- you're not really trying to rob them. Or if you stumble onto private property while looking for a bathroom, that's a misunderstanding, too. But wrapping nine grams of pot around your weiner? There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding. "I got naked and fell into a pile of weed and decided not to check myself afterwards"? Nope. "I thought this was how you properly disposed of drugs"? No you didn't. "My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.

Better Excuse:

"I'm part of a highly secretive, extremely experimental undercover Drug Enforcement Team. In an effort to catch a gang of all homosexual pot-dealers, we wrap marijuana around our dicks. We call this 'fishing,' and it's awful." You're bound to at least get some creativity points for that.

What Would Be Required for This to Work:

For the entire world to be a retarded sitcom, written four generations into a writers strike, where everyone has nine grams of marijuana around their genitals and ten times that in their bloodstream.

For more crazy criminals, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Super-Villains. Or check out how nuts the good guys can be in 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman.

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