Marijuana Manhood "Misunderstanding"
John Williams, who has skipped court dates for drug charges several times, was arrested by police on suspicion of having drugs. At no point did it occur to him that they might search him for drugs. So either he's really bad at having drugs or really good, because whatever he's on must be awesome.
It wasn't this John Williams, but wouldn't that be awesome?
While checking him into prison, officers were surprised to discover nine grams of marijuana wrapped around Mr Williams's penis, presumably because he'd run out of pockets earlier in the day. This erotic and untimely discovery, by the way, upgraded the charges against him from "having drugs" to "attempting to smuggle drugs into prison." At which point John unsheathed his megavillian brain and masterful oratory skills by assuring those present that the whole situation was just a misunderstanding.
"I was holding it for a friend. On my penis. My friend is in prison."
Now, if you're eating with a group of friends and you accidentally grab somebody else's wallet off the table, that's a misunderstanding- you're not really trying to rob them. Or if you stumble onto private property while looking for a bathroom, that's a misunderstanding, too. But wrapping nine grams of pot around your weiner? There is no reasonable series of events that could come together in any order that would make that a misunderstanding. "I got naked and fell into a pile of weed and decided not to check myself afterwards"? Nope. "I thought this was how you properly disposed of drugs"? No you didn't. "My girlfriend loves the smell of pot on my dick"? Bullshit. No girlfriend will ever love that smell.
"I'm part of a highly secretive, extremely experimental undercover Drug Enforcement Team. In an effort to catch a gang of all homosexual pot-dealers, we wrap marijuana around our dicks. We call this 'fishing,' and it's awful." You're bound to at least get some creativity points for that.
What Would Be Required for This to Work:
For the entire world to be a retarded sitcom, written four generations into a writers strike, where everyone has nine grams of marijuana around their genitals and ten times that in their bloodstream.
For more crazy criminals, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Super-Villains. Or check out how nuts the good guys can be in 6 Real-Life Vigilantes Crazier Than Batman.