Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped

7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off

#3.
Coca-Cola

The Coca-Cola logo is one of the most recognized symbols in the world, along with the McDonald's arches and the international hand gesture for the Shocker. It's not surprising then that with such high visibility Coke was bound to make a few missteps in marketing and, say, accidentally create some satanic advertisements.

In the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod, which has a population around 1.5 million, Coke let loose an ad campaign that featured Coke bottles mixed in with some local landmarks including churches and domes. Some of the pictures were skewed and inverted and if there's one thing you can't overreact to enough, it's a Coke bottle next to an inverted cross.

Local orthodox churches protested the ads as blasphemous and wanted the Coca Cola company brought to trial for "inciting religious hatred and undermining national dignity." Coke quickly withdrew the ads and tried to reassure the churches (or at least the ones with loyal Coke customers) that they in fact were not trying to summon Satan to swallow everyone's souls (and wash them down with a cool bottle of Coca-Cola).

#2.
Wacky Week

In the town of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, a local elementary school liked to have an activity it called "Wacky Week" once a year. Doesn't it sound fun even without knowing what goes on? It's Wacky Week! It's gotta be the coolest thing you'll do at school all year! The event included students dressing in costumes and, on the last day of Wacky Week, the kids could come dressed either as senior citizens or members of the opposite sex.

Oh, fuck. On God's scale of totally wrong shit, cross-dressing falls smack in between burning whole cities to the ground and letting the Wayans brothers direct movies.

Naturally, this meant some radio host somewhere flew into a rage at the idea of children dressing as members of the opposite sex. When little boys dress as girls at school one day, by the next week they're listening to Clay Aiken and giving their mothers home decorating advice. Girls, of course, will be getting buzz cuts, wearing flannel and fixing small engines.

While no one complained about this chicanery beforehand, once nationally syndicated Christian radio show Crosstalk found out about it, the world became aware of how the school was striking "at the heart and core of the Biblical values." And it's true, it's right there in Leviticus: "Thou shalt wear thine own clothes lest thou go all fruity and shit."

After the show aired, the school got hit by a pantload of phone call complaints until the school buckled and canceled the event for future years. Yes, this means there are no doubt several dozen children whose first impression of Christians was, "The mean grown-ups who killed Wacky Week."

Good thinking. We're sure they'll grow up to be loyal church-goers.

#1.
Harry Potter

If there's one thing evangelicals--or at least the insane ones--can't abide, it's the corruption of the innocent. If there's another thing they can't abide, it's not acting like complete loons and making asses of themselves in an international forum. Harry Potter presented an opportunity for some fundamentalists to kill these two birds with one stone.

Protests against the Harry Potter books and films have sprung up in dozens of cities and school boards in the US and the UK, with over 3,000 attempts to remove the books from schools between the years 2000 and 2005.

In 2001, the actual, recent 2001, Harry Potter books were burnt in a bonfire in New Mexico along with other satanic items like Ouija boards, Stephen King books and AC/DC albums. Eminem albums and copies of Disney's Snow White were saved from the flames and just tossed into the garbage. For some reason.

Most of the protests stem from the belief that Harry Potter, being a wizard, is going to seduce people away from God and into the occult where they'll start casting spells. This fear is clearly well founded since Jesus only managed to cure some leprosy and make a lot of fish and wine, whereas it is documented that wizards can turn people into ferrets, fly on broomsticks, travel through time and resurrect the dead. So basically Harry Potter will make each susceptible reader into a demigod capable of ruling the earth.

Considering they've sold about 40 billion copies of the books we'd expect a rather large magical army of these little bastards to have emerged by now, but who knows, maybe they're still practicing.

What we can't figure out is why they protest Potter but don't demand Lord of the Rings be pulled from the shelves. It not only has wizards, but in the movie the main wizard is played by a gay man, plus the book contains pages and pages of fruity musical numbers and enough homoerotic innuendo between Frodo and Samwise to incite an orgy.

We're assuming that if all of that didn't draw Jesus' wrath, then he's probably willing to let the Harry Potter thing slide, too.

For proof that Christianity can do good, or at least be extraordinarily manly, check out The 5 Biggest Badass Popes. Or, for a video chock full of guys acting like and dressed up as even bigger dicks than you read about in this article, check out A Video Tribute to The Dick Move.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,487 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!