Thank you, Concerned Women for America, for finally drawing the line.
It's not that all Christians are crazy, it's just that the religion seems to give certain types of crazy people a chance to shine. These are the ones who can't worry about the homeless because they're too busy doing things like decoding secret gay propaganda in cartoons.
Here are some of the more baffling things these messengers from the Lord want us to be wary of:
Proving not all tiny, pointless special interest groups are devoid of charm, a Christian group called "The Resistance" decided to protest the new logo at Starbucks by referring to the coffee chain by the hilarious nickname "Slutbucks," which kind of sounds like coupons for a strip club.
The story is that Starbucks cranked out a new logo, it's the one up there that has a topless mermaid that looks kind of like Helen Hunt, with her legs spread (which we realize makes no sense since it's a fish tail, but apparently no one at Starbucks majored in art or mythology) and this enraged The Resistance, who may or may not actually just be one insane man (Mark Dice) and his website.
Because Slutbucks is clearly such a blasphemous monster of an organizations, however, they've also been protested by Concerned Women for America, a group that feels one of the random quotes on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup is pretty much Satan in memorable quote form.
The above quote (about an author's own experiences repressing his sexuality) is apparently Starbucks' way of furthering the homosexual agenda. That's where it starts, in coffee houses. Then it expands into fast food, the Post Office, and finally the White House until the day we're all required to punch into work in the morning not with a pass key or by logging onto a computer, but with 15 straight minutes of sodomy.
Thank you, Concerned Women for America, for finally drawing the line.
If someone were to make a giant chocolate statue of your naked body, you'd probably be flattered, and maybe a little weirded out. Jesus, on the other hand, was just plain furious. According to Catholics, who enjoy chocolate bunnies at Easter, He has no tolerance for chocolate, naked statues at any time of year. A New York art exhibit cleverly titled "My Sweet Jesus" featured a 200lb milk chocolate Jesus on the cross, sans loincloth and showing off all his sacred bits in their chocolatey glory.
Much like with the film the Last Temptation of Christ, the idea of a nudie savior just doesn't go over well with some folks. The head of the Catholic League called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever," which is not an understatement at all, as long as you ignore everything else bad that has happened anywhere in the world over the last two thousand years.
Being loving and pious folks intent on expressing how their sensibilities were offended in a calm and mature fashion, the local Christian populace deluged the art gallery with angry phone calls and death threats. The result was the gallery canceling the exhibit and the creative director resigning his position in protest.
But on the upside for offended Christians, they were able to go about the rest of their lives content with the knowledge that nudity doesn't exist, at least not in a public, milk chocolate way. We believe the artist, despondent over the events, retired to his apartment and ate the entire statue over the course of a long, lonely weekend.
You may or may not be aware of this, but Spongebob Squarepants is apparently as queer as a three dollar bill jammed in Richard Simmons' thong. And while that's all fine and good as long as aquatic, animated poriferans keep their sexuality behind closed doors, once they start making pro-homosexual videos, certain groups aren't going to stand for it.
Both Focus on the Family and the American Family Association complained about a Spongebob video that was delivered to schools in which Spongebob has the balls to try to teach children to be accepting of others. Now you know Jesus isn't going to stand for that shit.
Even though the video never actually mentions homosexuality, on the website for the video's producers they include a pledge of tolerance for all races, cultures, beliefs and, yes, sexual orientations. Just like Hitler. Or the opposite of Hitler. Whatever, fuck that cartoon sponge!
The brain trust at Focus on the Family felt that the video was "an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids." The video does feature Spongebob dancing to We Are Family by Sister Sledge and probably few things in the world are apt to suck a child into a fugue-like state of dementia and suggestibility. So we kind of see what they were afraid of.
Probably all of us have secretly known Dr. Who was up to no good. What the hell is a Tardis machine anyway? Why do the English have phone booths that apparently travel through time? What was with that fancy scarf he wore in the original series and where'd they get off replacing the actor who played the doctor like five times? Crazy Brits.
To make Dr. Who slightly more insane, there was an episode, co-starring Kylie Minogue, in which the doctor has to save the Titanic, which is now a space ship, from a meteor accident. And somewhere in all that, he sort of parallels a Christ figure.
While it sounds perfectly protestable on grounds of stupidity, it was actually protested by the group Christian Voice because they thought it was tasteless to compare the time-traveling doctor to the messiah.
Why protesters chose Dr. Who as opposed to Neo, Luke Skywalker, Superman or every other sci-fi character that has been loosely based on Christ is anyone's guess, but we assume it has something to do with Daleks.
The Coca-Cola logo is one of the most recognized symbols in the world, along with the McDonald's arches and the international hand gesture for the Shocker. It's not surprising then that with such high visibility Coke was bound to make a few missteps in marketing and, say, accidentally create some satanic advertisements.
In the Russian city of Nizhny Novgorod, which has a population around 1.5 million, Coke let loose an ad campaign that featured Coke bottles mixed in with some local landmarks including churches and domes. Some of the pictures were skewed and inverted and if there's one thing you can't overreact to enough, it's a Coke bottle next to an inverted cross.
Local orthodox churches protested the ads as blasphemous and wanted the Coca Cola company brought to trial for "inciting religious hatred and undermining national dignity." Coke quickly withdrew the ads and tried to reassure the churches (or at least the ones with loyal Coke customers) that they in fact were not trying to summon Satan to swallow everyone's souls (and wash them down with a cool bottle of Coca-Cola).
In the town of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, a local elementary school liked to have an activity it called "Wacky Week" once a year. Doesn't it sound fun even without knowing what goes on? It's Wacky Week! It's gotta be the coolest thing you'll do at school all year! The event included students dressing in costumes and, on the last day of Wacky Week, the kids could come dressed either as senior citizens or members of the opposite sex.
Oh, fuck. On God's scale of totally wrong shit, cross-dressing falls smack in between burning whole cities to the ground and letting the Wayans brothers direct movies.
Naturally, this meant some radio host somewhere flew into a rage at the idea of children dressing as members of the opposite sex. When little boys dress as girls at school one day, by the next week they're listening to Clay Aiken and giving their mothers home decorating advice. Girls, of course, will be getting buzz cuts, wearing flannel and fixing small engines.
While no one complained about this chicanery beforehand, once nationally syndicated Christian radio show Crosstalk found out about it, the world became aware of how the school was striking "at the heart and core of the Biblical values." And it's true, it's right there in Leviticus: "Thou shalt wear thine own clothes lest thou go all fruity and shit."
After the show aired, the school got hit by a pantload of phone call complaints until the school buckled and canceled the event for future years. Yes, this means there are no doubt several dozen children whose first impression of Christians was, "The mean grown-ups who killed Wacky Week."
Good thinking. We're sure they'll grow up to be loyal church-goers.
If there's one thing evangelicals--or at least the insane ones--can't abide, it's the corruption of the innocent. If there's another thing they can't abide, it's not acting like complete loons and making asses of themselves in an international forum. Harry Potter presented an opportunity for some fundamentalists to kill these two birds with one stone.
Protests against the Harry Potter books and films have sprung up in dozens of cities and school boards in the US and the UK, with over 3,000 attempts to remove the books from schools between the years 2000 and 2005.
In 2001, the actual, recent 2001, Harry Potter books were burnt in a bonfire in New Mexico along with other satanic items like Ouija boards, Stephen King books and AC/DC albums. Eminem albums and copies of Disney's Snow White were saved from the flames and just tossed into the garbage. For some reason.
Most of the protests stem from the belief that Harry Potter, being a wizard, is going to seduce people away from God and into the occult where they'll start casting spells. This fear is clearly well founded since Jesus only managed to cure some leprosy and make a lot of fish and wine, whereas it is documented that wizards can turn people into ferrets, fly on broomsticks, travel through time and resurrect the dead. So basically Harry Potter will make each susceptible reader into a demigod capable of ruling the earth.
Considering they've sold about 40 billion copies of the books we'd expect a rather large magical army of these little bastards to have emerged by now, but who knows, maybe they're still practicing.
What we can't figure out is why they protest Potter but don't demand Lord of the Rings be pulled from the shelves. It not only has wizards, but in the movie the main wizard is played by a gay man, plus the book contains pages and pages of fruity musical numbers and enough homoerotic innuendo between Frodo and Samwise to incite an orgy.
We're assuming that if all of that didn't draw Jesus' wrath, then he's probably willing to let the Harry Potter thing slide, too.
For proof that Christianity can do good, or at least be extraordinarily manly, check out The 5 Biggest Badass Popes. Or, for a video chock full of guys acting like and dressed up as even bigger dicks than you read about in this article, check out A Video Tribute to The Dick Move.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.