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Can the words and actions of one man change the world? Absolutely! Just as long as somebody gives a shit about what he's saying. If we're betting, our money says these guys won't find that somebody anytime soon ...

5
Ed Lake, Investigator of Fake Porn

The Crusade:

Anyone who says chivalry is dead has obviously never heard of Ed Lake. Since 1996 he's been patrolling the internet protecting damsels in distress from the evils of photo editing software. Ever since seeing a fake nude photo Gillian Anderson, Ed has dedicated his free time to "investigating" other celebrity nipple shots to determine if they're the real deal. Because he's a gentleman. A 66-year-old, not even remotely perverted, gentleman.

Why We Could Do Without It:

First of all, if someone emails us what appears to be a nude photo of Elisha Cuthbert, we'll accept that it's not real when and only when we're damn good and ready. Until then, let us live the dream, old man.

Secondly, there's a pretty solid chance that, although we may be in denial, we probably don't need to be told that it's a fake photo. Anyone who has ever seen a fake nude celebrity photo knows all of the telltale signs to look for. For example, check out this photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt and see if you can point out the warning signs that this is a doctored photo.

Obviously, as tantalizing as that photo is, nobody is going to be fooled into thinking it's really Jennifer Love Hewitt. She wouldn't be caught dead in that fucking jacket!

We're sure your intentions are noble, Mr. Lake. But you should find a more worthy cause.

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4
Marcie Cook's War on Hot Air Balloons

The Crusade:

Marcie Cook wants you to know there is danger overhead! It's a danger that injures or kills people every day. Well, maybe it doesn't happen every day, but, like, almost every day. OK, maybe just some days, but surely every year or so, possibly.

The most sinister part of this hidden danger is that you'll never see it coming, unless the hot air balloon you're riding in happens to be nearing a power line. If that happens, you'll totally see it coming, because that is exactly the silent killer that Marcie Cook is on a one-woman crusade to protect the public from.

Turns out, she was injured when, against incredible odds, the nylon ball of hot air and wicker basket she was flying in wasn't able to endure crashing into a 9,000 volt power line. Seriously, you could've knocked us over with a feather when we heard that. Those things always looked pretty much indestructible to us.

Why We Could Do Without It:

Marcie is the first to admit, the idea of hot air balloons posing a serious threat to the public is hard to accept at first, but she's got metrics to back it up. According to statistics from the years of 1996 and 1997 (which are the most recent statistics available, presumably because some ambitious statistician managed to get caught up crunching the numbers for all the important stats and decided to move on to the total bullshit), there were on average only 7.47 injuries per 100,000 hours of general aviation travel. You know, airplanes and whatnot.

Now prepare to be shocked, readers. In that same time span, per 100,000 hours of hot air balloon travel, there were on average 33.62 injuries! Being that there were 3,760 general aviation injuries in that time, you can just imagine how many hot air balloon injuries that translates to--that's right, 39!

Holy shit, the devastation! Throw in the four fatalities in a two year span and it all adds up to no goddamn reason not to fly in a hot air balloon. Unless you're a dude, then it's totally gay anyway. In which case a little dangerous might actually help.

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3
David Gracer: Bug Eating Advocate

The Crusade:

David Gracer is on a one-man crusade with a modest goal: to save the world.

While some would-be heroes hope to yank mankind from the jaws of extinction by eliminating greenhouse gasses or launching kickass covert military operations, David Gracer has another plan in mind. He wants to save the world through entomophagy, which means the key to our very salvation is to shun delicious hot wings and eat bugs instead.

Why We Could Do Without It:

If you even suggest that the idea of eating a bug disgusts you while amongst a large group of people, without fail some know-it-all will point out that, "It's not a big deal, people in other countries eat bugs all the time!"

Yeah? You know what else people in other countries do? This ...

The difference is, for whatever reason, they want to do that. People don't eat bugs because scorpions in wine sauce with a side of fresh greens are fucking scrumptious. People in other countries eat bugs because raising animals takes money. Money they don't have. For bugs, all you need to do is turn over a number of heavy rocks or, if that's too much work, just keep a dirty house and wait for them to show up.

But around these parts, the good majority of us can afford a chicken or two if the mood strikes. For those who can't, programs are in place, Dumpster diving for example, for the very purpose of keeping them from having to resort to snacking on dung beetles during tough times.

If that fails, well, we'll have to consider just eating fruits and vegetables, until we finally curl up dead from beef deprivation.

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2
Ric Silver Owns the Electric Slide

The Crusade:

There was a palpable sense of disillusionment and sadness in the air at the most recent Cracked Christmas Party and Winter Gala. What was once an event filled with merriment and metric tons of the cheapest of alcohol, was rendered dull and lifeless by, of all things, copyright laws.

"Anyone caught doing the Electric Slide will be punished to the fullest extent of the law," said a sign at the door. Yes, thanks to Ric Silver and his one-man crusade to stop people from performing the Electric Slide in public, we are hereby rendered forever unison danceless.

And on what grounds does Ric Silver think he can stop us and everyone else from line dancing the night away? Because he owns the copyright. To the Electric Slide.

According to his story, he invented the original choreography for the slide back in 1976 and realizing what kind of goldmine he had on his hands, trademarked the moves as his own. He has even gone so far as to sue the Ellen DeGeneres show after Teri Hatcher performed the dance on the air. And before any of you electric boogaloo types get any bright ideas, he also claims the copyrights to Poppin', Lockin' and the motherfucking Robot.

Why We Could Do Without It:

First of all, anyone with a website that looks like this isn't going to get us on board with a damn thing. But god awful HTML aside, seriously, shut the hell up, Ric Silver.

There are already very few people in this world who aren't disgusted to the point of violence by the mere mention of the Electric Slide. With the possible exception of the Chicken Dance and the Hokey Pokey, it's probably the biggest scourge ever inflicted on group environments of any sort. So it would actually be great if Ric was trying to rid the world of the Electric Slide. Sign us up for that mission all day. But that's not Ric's beef. He just wants people to do it correctly.

Yes, if there is one thing worse than a bunch of people doing the slide, it's one person bitching about the technical imperfections of a group of people doing it.

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1
Rev. Will Bowen Complains About Complaints

The Crusade:

Hey, shut yer piehole! That's the gist of Rev. Will Bowen's one-man crusade to get the world to stop complaining. To be more precise, his exact words are, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude: don't complain."

No problem, Will. Can you give us one minute while we completely relearn everything we know about writing comedy articles? Would you like us to give up lists and dick jokes while we're at it?

Why We Could Do Without It:

While we will admit, there is some complaining we could certainly do without (looking at you, comments section), sometimes it's just what you have to do. Imagine if, instead of continuing to complain about British tyranny until enough people agreed and decided to revolt, the first person that brought it up decided, "Fuck it, I guess we're screwed, let me put this purple bracelet on the other wrist and change my attitude." We Americans would all be playing soccer and listening to fucking Robbie Williams right now.

If you're confused about that purple bracelet thing, allow us to introduce you to reason number two why we could do without this crusade.

Will hopes to accomplish his mission by way of those trendy rubber bracelets. People wear the bracelets as a reminder not to complain. If they catch themselves, they take the bracelet off, move it to the other arm and start over with their mission.

So, if you see someone with a purple rubber bracelet, you'll know you've found one of Bowen's followers. Unless of course they're wearing the Alzheimer's bracelet, which is also purple:

Or the "I Love My Dog" bracelet:

Or any number of other causes.

It appears there are way more causes than there are available bracelet colors. So, maybe they should restrict them to only the causes that, you know, actually matter.

We don't think the Reverend here qualifies.


Read more from Adam at ScenicAnemia.com

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