Everyone knows the platitude "Money can't buy happiness" is just propaganda from the Jealous Poor People lobby, but there is a nugget of truth. Money may let you assemble the world-class feast described below, but it cannot make you realize what a world-class tool you are for buying it.
Filling Your Water Glass
We considered water harvested from ancient glaciers off the coast of Greenland (as is done with Glace) or perhaps Himalayan ice-blocks slowly filtered through the crack of a Sherpa's ass as he toted it down the mountain. According to the marketing team at Bling H2O, them ain't nuthin' but some bitch-ass waters.
Hollywood writer-producer Kevin G. Boyd (best known for his blockbuster work in three episodes of The Jamie Foxx Show) has bottled water's answer to Cristal. His water, Bling H2O, reinforces its ghetto-fabulous status by adorning each limited edition bottle with hand-applied Swarovski crystals. It's what Fiddy would drink at the club, provided they were outta 'bub. This beverage has been spotted in the hands of numerous celebrities and even at awards ceremonies, presumably because famous people are dying to get a taste of Dandridge, Tennessee, where it's bottled. It may not sound exotic, but water is rare in that region due to Tennessee aquifers being entirely comprised of bourbon. Water elitists can expect to spend $40 to $60 for a 750ml bottle.Cost so far:
Around $50 (Based average cost for one bottle)
Course 1: Zee Appetizer
Caviar is so synonymous with blingy meals that people don't even stop to consider they are consuming brined fish ova. If it wasn't for generations of marketing on this product, it would likely hold a place next to balut for the next Fear Factor eating challenge.
Beluga caviar is considered top of the line, and there is actually a specific type of specially farmed Iranian beluga called Almas whose eggs are prized above all others. These sturgeons have lived between 60 and 100 years without procreating, which qualifies them as nature's first underwater Crazy Cat Lady.
A pound container of that will run you $12,500, but courtesy of a recent U.N. ban on the international trade of caviar from this region of the world the market value will get goosed up considerably. We can only hope there won't be a similar embargo on Ritz crackers. You don't need a small fortune to know those crack wafers hold dominion above all lesser crackers.Cost so far:
($50 + $781.25) = $831.25 (Based on 1oz)
Course 2: Soup du Jour
Bird's Nest Soup
Bird's Nest Soup sounds like a broth-soaked arrangement of twigs and stray feathers. That is not the case, though it is plainly less revolting than the reality.
Bird's Nest Soup has been a Chinese delicacy for over 400 years and is considered to have medicinal properties. At least that's what they tell themselves as they clamor up rickety bamboo trellises to harvest congealed bird spit off of cave walls.
We didn't make that up. A few species of birds called cave swifts actually use their saliva to forge small cup-like nests flush to the cave walls, usually at heights perilous to other flightless species (read: us). Depending on the species or what the bird was hocking up that day, there are two different varieties of nest produced. A kilogram of the "white" nest is easily worth $2,000, but the "red blood" nest (purported to be more curative) can cost up to $10,000.
If you haven't had the opportunity to taste this soup or make out with a cave swift, you're probably wondering what this bird spit tastes like. Most descriptions of its flavor hover around "nothing." It primarily provides a certain texture to the soup, to which other flavor components are added.
Bird's Nest is actually part of a grand tradition of flavorless Chinese cuisine additives including shark fin, because there's no limit to the amount people will spend on a bowl of well-thickened nothing.Cost so far:
($831.25 + $378) = $1209.25 (Based on one serving of soup made with 8oz of red nest going into a soup that serves six)
Course 3: Le First Entree
Fence Gate Inn Wagyu Meat Pie
It doesn't look like much, as it would be logical to assume that a main course designed to trump the previous servings would be the pinnacle of haute cuisine, an expertly crafted assembly of delicate and nuanced flavors served on the taut abdomen of a budding supermodel. Logic has shit on you yet again as it looks like a huge pot pie.
The meat pie served at the Fencegate Inn near Lancashire, Britain, is an attempt to show us just how classy a pile of nondescript meat and mushrooms can be. It starts by leveraging Wagyu, also known as Kobe beef, whose richness is comparable to foie gras or lard-frosted brownies served on a plate made of butter. Kobe beef is usually served in portions designed to paper-cut your palate, assuming it doesn't evaporate on the way to the table, but this pie is stuffed with nearly six pounds of it.
This is bolstered by rare Japanese matsutake mushrooms, which cost $910 per pound despite a 100 percent guarantee of providing no hallucinations nor curing erectile dysfunction. The recipe also calls for truffles, fresh herbs and two bottles of 1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild valued at $8,500. Adding that wine to meat pie is the culinary equivalent of melting down your Olympic gold medals so you can bedazzle your cell phone.
Most pies are served with a golden brown crust. However, since not all master chefs have mastered the deep complexities of "broiling," this pie circumvents it by simply sprinkling the top with edible gold leaf. The cost for the whole affair comes to $16,169.50, making your slice a mere $2,021.19. Cheese is 50 cents extra.Cost so far:
Cost so far: ($1209.25 + $2,021.19) = $3,230.44 (Based on one slice of pie)
Course 4: Le Second Entree
The next course may not arrive at your table in a timely fashion, unless you happen to be dining on the coast of the Zhanjiang province when this is plucked from the water.
This is a tigerfish. They are not particularly renowned for their flavor or texture, but consuming them becomes a hot ticket when they happen to be a rare golden-colored fish as featured above. Culturally speaking, the golden tigerfish is served with a complimentary side of Good Luck and Wealth, which not even the most illustrious meat pie can claim. The value of this fish comes in at approximately $75,000. It may seem a bit over-inflated, but remember that no one is going to have to dump gold leaf on it, which really makes it cost-effective.
A portion of this fortune-granting ichthyoid would cost approximately $1,651.30. When you're tipping against that cost, don't forget to factor in the irony surcharge that also comes with it.Cost so far:
($3,230.44 + $1,651.30) = $4,881.74 (Based on 1kg serving, the strangely ginormous portion size being offered to diners)
Course 5: Dessert
The Grand Opulence Sundae
Say what you will about "The Grand Opulence Sundae," it is certainly not lacking in self-esteem. This sundae has happily abandoned its podunk Dairy Queen roots for the big city life at New York's Serendipity restaurant and taken the scooping of ice cream into a bowl to new heights.
The Grand Opulence Sundae pairs both Tahitian and Madagascarian vanilla in the ice cream, creating a bombastic fusion of the world's most pedestrian flavor. It is, not surprisingly, covered in edible 23-carat gold leaf. Apparently the ability to shit gold links after a meal is highly prized among the glitterati.
It is then drizzled with the world's most expensive chocolate, Amedei Porceleana, and covered with chunks of rare Chuao chocolate.
The Chuao chocolate is harvested in a remote area of Venezuela that can only be reached by boat, which is why the Oompa Loompas have remained safe there for so many years. On top of that, it is further festooned with exotic candied fruits from Paris, gold dragets, truffles and Marzipan cherries, and probably the Hope diamond. Finally it is topped with a tiny glass bowl of fruit-infused Grand Passion Caviar. The caviar was a late addition because the rainbow sprinkles originally used kept the cost prohibitively low. The masterpiece is served in a baccarat Harcourt crystal goblet with an 18-carat gold spoon.
The $1,000 sundae includes your security deposit on the spoon and a palpable sense of smug satisfaction. If it is unable to convince you of your self-worth, they will be happy to accompany it with a boot-licking waiter who will fan you with palm fronds and smother you in compliments through the entire course.Cost so far:
($4881.74 + $1,000) = $5,881.74
Kopi Luwak Coffee
After a repast of this magnitude, many diners opt to enjoy a simple cup of coffee. Allow us to suggest a cup of our signature Kopi Luwak brew, roasted from only the finest coffee beans freshly cast from the anus of a civet. We can verify that of all the Indonesian weasel-like creatures we fed the beans to, the ones from the civet shit tasted the best. Seriously.
Here's your weasel shit coffee, sir. That'll be $50.
($5881.74 + $50) = $5,931.74
More of Ian's writings can be found at InternetSensation.com.
For more foods that you'll never eat, check out our rundown of The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World. Or read about a guy pretending to be rich enough to afford fancy meals in Mike Swaim's post about a con man pretending to be Heath Ledger's dad.