The 6 Most Unsettling Medication Side Effects
We're going to take a stand here: We're in favor of medicine. Modern medicine ranks with internet porn and the George Foreman grill as one of the greatest achievements of mankind. But there are drawbacks in the form of side effects, some of which are far more off-putting than the inability to operate heavy machinery.
Most of them only happen to an infinitesimally small group of people, but they can still happen. Behold, six side effects that would suck for anyone unlucky enough to experience them, while being indisputably awesome for any onlooker with a video camera and a YouTube account.
Alli
Alli is a weight-loss medication that prevents fat absorption. When you eat fat, the medication stops you from digesting it and helps it pass right along through.
Side effects may include ...
According to their website, Alli calls these "treatment effects." Which implies that these effects can happen to pretty much everybody under the right circumstances. It's nothing major, mind you, just things like "gas with oily spotting." This would be a polite way of describing a fart that spackles your chair with a greasy stain of ass buckshot. In some cultures that's a great compliment for the host.
Of course, that's not all. Prominently displayed on their list of treatment effects are also "loose stools" and "more frequent stools that may be hard to control." Again, this should not be that alarming as these events are quite humorous when portrayed in the realm of slapstick comedy.
Alli, purveyors of hilarity that they are, go on to describe in gut busting detail just what to expect from your twitching, out-of-control rectum, including this gem: "You may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza." Recognize what? The slurry that leaked out of your ass and into your khakis, that's what.
Should you worry?
Their site makes it sound like anyone who eats too much fat in one sitting can wind up with leakage. It makes sense; you're not absorbing the grease from the fries you ate, the grease has to go somewhere.
The Alli people, ever the optimists, imply this is all part of the plan:
"In fact, anecdotally, many users have told us that treatment effects served as a signal that helped them adopt healthier eating patterns."
As in, people start limiting their fat intake out of fear of uncontrollable pooping in the middle of, say, giving a eulogy at a loved one's funeral.
Requip
Finally, the curse of the Jimmy Legs can come to an end thanks to Requip, a medication that helps manage Restless Leg Syndrome. And thankfully, most people can take it without incident.
Side effects may include ...
Mind you, there's always a chance you'll be one of the lucky ones who, inexplicably, is struck with "an unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges and/or behaviors."
We totally did not make that up. If you take Requip, you might turn into James Bond in Casino Royale.
Now, to the few of you who still have not left your computers to go get Requip prescriptions, it's probably wise to consider the warning against increased sexual "behaviors." Not just urges.
It's not enough that in your quest to have stationary legs you'll get oddly horny, but apparently you could find yourself actually doing things. Sexual things. Against your will. As a bonus, you may also start betting on the likelihood on whether or not you'll be arrested for these various sexual endeavors.
Not to be forgotten, however, are the visual, aural and tactile hallucinations that Requip can potentially cause. Factor in your new horny behavior and it's entirely possibly you'll find yourself on a bus humping a seat and think you're in New Jersey banging Aunt Gladys against your will with 50 bucks riding on whether you'll be done before Uncle Paul gets home. It could get complicated.
Should you worry?
All of these are extremely rare and most common to people who also have Parkinson's disease. The gambling thing seems to have the experts baffled, though it didn't stop this guy from suing the drug maker for a gambling addiction that lost him $14 million. What would he have done if he'd won?
Propecia
The fear of hair loss grips many a man, because we know the odds are overwhelming we will not turn into a cool, suave bald guy like Patrick Stewart, and will instead wind up more like our weird Uncle Paul with his increasingly desperate comb-overs.
Thankfully, science stumbled upon an answer in Propecia, a drug invented to treat prostate problems that messes with the testosterone in your body enough to help you hang on to your hair. What could possibly go wrong?
Side effects may include ...
It's called "gynecomastia," the first four letters of which should make any man arch his eyebrow and feel wary. And with good cause, as gynecomastia means boobs. Boobs that can make milk. No, seriously.
There's got to be a Rob Schneider movie in here somewhere.
Should you worry?
Propecia is powerful shit; if you've seen the ads on TV you know that pregnant women aren't even allowed to touch the pills. The little bit that seeps in through the skin can mess the baby up so bad that even having a mom and a dad able to nurse couldn't save them.
Still, the odds on the man-boob thing are extremely small, which probably doesn't make the few lactating bald dudes out there feel any better. What will make them feel better is knowing that the effects are reversible and the man-boobs go away when you stop taking it. Of course, the luxuriant head of hair you grew goes away, too.
levaquin can cause more than photosensitivity it causes central nervous system problems plus
ReplyOn a serious note, I was not taking Levaquin, but was taking some sort of antibiotic and had to be in the sun, unexpectantly, everyday, all day for a week afterward. The doctor did not tell me to stay out of the sun or use sun protection, and like a dummy, did not catch the warning on the label. I unded up so seriously sunburned, I ended up in the emergency room. After the burn healed, my face was scarred and left with the little bumps (not acne). So people, please take that warning very seriously.
ReplyOMG, the section on Alli had me laughing so hard, I cried. I also ALMOST left greasy stain of ass buckshot on my chair, without Alli!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyYeah, the fine print..."Stops your unsightly ear hair from growing however may cause your brain or intestines to disintegrate, your eyeballs to pop out or your penis to fall off!"
ReplyArticles like these make me appreciate my health a hell of a lot. Also, greasy stain of ass buckshot is pure gold.
Reply
Replya polite way of describing a fart that spackles your chair with a greasy stain of ass buckshot
" ... a polite way of describing a fart that spackles your chair with a greasy stain of ass buckshot"--one of the funniest things since George Carlin. Couldn't breathe.
Jimmy legs, huh? You know you can get that in your arms too.
ReplyI'm here to tell you.....YES YOU CAN!!!!! I tried Requip. It sure helped my wiggles, but it also helped me pass out while driving down the road. Am sure my husband would have loved the "sex" side affect, though....too bad I didn't get that one!
I've been thinking about taking Propecia but am also afraid of the effects of lower testosterone. Anyone have experience? My doc says not to worry, but I've heard of muscle loss, weakness and decreased libido.. Is it worth looking more like a man but not feeling like one?
ReplyNo; take testosterone supplements, lose all of the hair on your head, grow a beard, then walk around slapping things in the face with your dick. I promise you that you will then look like some kind of man, while also feeling like one.
Oh honey, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You forgot Lunesta, the mothra sleepaid that in about 20% of the population, can cause your mouth to taste like ass. Absolutely everything you eat for the next 24 hours will taste like ass. Or Prenisone, the miracle anti-inflamattory drug that can cause massive weight gain, moon face, BUFFALO HUMP (not kidding), sleep problems and obsessive cleaning to the point of finding yourself happily scrubbing your oven with a toothbrush at 6 am, or waking up your neighbors to offer to wash their cars at 2 AM. Helplesseness in the face of infections that make any little zit swell up like a golf ball, edema so you can't feel your legs and look like a cripple trying to cross the street. Oh, and bone loss, literally leaching calcium from your bones.
ReplyThis was disturbing and hilarious. Magnificent stuff
Replyflu shots and guillain-barre. i was going to get the shot and they handed me this form to fill out about allergies...mainly eggs. number 5 on the list (i'm surprised i even read that far) was guillain-barre.
Replythe nurse said it was a very slim chance. i knew a guy that had that. you basically watch as your body becomes paralyzed starting from the feet all the way up to the top of your head. in some cases they put you on a breathing machine because your lungs can become paralyzed. all the while, you are as aware as can be. like being buried alive in broad daylight.
yeah, no thanks. i'll take my chances with a few days in bed with the flu.
valproate and curly hair
Replywow! and I was just about to go to sleep, too.
ReplyI was taking Topamax from a weight-loss clinic because they said it helped aide in weight loss; it would decrease your hunger and make things that were really sugary or salty not taste good so you wouldn't eat them. I took it for about 3 months.. until I started noticing my face was numb all over and so were my arms and hands. I figured it was in my head. Over the course of a week the numbness was much worse, and I started getting very clumsy. I'd trip over things, and then I'd be really confused and found it hard to speak or think a lot. I'd end up in front of the fridge and not really know how I got there or why I went there, things like that. I eventually looked up side effects of it... turns out all of those were some of the more severe side effects. On top of that, I also found out the side effect of weight loss and taste change were the reason why it was prescribed to me.. it wasn't actually a medicine meant for that. It was a medicine meant for epileptic patients! WHY on earth would a weight loss clinic prescribe something like that? It was insane. I stopped it immediately and was much better.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYou can thank reps from the pharmaceutical companies for that. They are always trying to get doctors to prescribe their drugs for a wider range of problems. Dicks.
My psychiatrist prescribed me with a sleeping pill for my psychosis. Kind of similar
A friend of mine was prescribed that for migraines: she told me after trying it for several weeks that it should have been called "Dopamax".
I was given an epilepsy pill for mood disorder - all I got out of it? heightened photosensitivity to the point of a sunlight allergy.
That's crazy. I took Topamax for migraines and fibromyalga. But those were both caused by nervous system problems which makes sense, and it did make pop taste flat for the first few months. But that's f*****g nuts that they'd give it to someone without a nervous system condition.
So while you may think you've just become Crypt Lord Lesbos, you take a step towards the closet to put on your black velvet underwear and snap, there goes your Achilles tendon, exploding along with any hopes of ever getting laid.
Replyi cant even look at this....its too much. I don't think I have ever read anything funnier
One that should be mentioned, even in the comments alone, is Lithium. My Dr. and I tried many different meds to get my schizophrenia under control, one of which was Lithium. After a few days of taking it I developed what my husband called 'broken robot syndrome". I basically couldn't make a decision without outside input. I would stand in the middle of the living room unable to decide if I wanted to go left or right. After watching me act this way for an entire week he called the Doc. I got off that stuff immediately. It's no fun being unable to make the tiniest choice on your own.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI have severe depression and my doctor wanted me to try that stuff. I said no. I think I'd rather be depressed than unable to make a decision
The exact same thing happened to me with Lithium!
I've been on Lithium for years now, thankfully without a problem. Turned out to be the only med that worked for my Type 2 bipolar. I did have that inability to make a decision crap when I was on one of the other meds, though.
Don't do whatever the doc says, he might be van hesling!
ReplyOoooh, is that Van Helsing's cousin?
I have a less extreme version on #1 from a medication I take (and cannot stop taking even due to side effects. I have to wear a special kind of sunscreen and I have to always carry a jacket with me. When I first started having the reaction, I didn't understand exactly how bad it was. I went outside with sunscreen on and long sleeves, but I forgot to put sunscreen on my hands. Within five minutes, I had a rash that was so bad that my skin cracked open and bled. It can be quite unpleasant at times, to say the least!
ReplyI spent a good two minutes trying to find the other end to your parenthesis, but couldn't.
So I got you one: )
You forgot to mention another horrifying side effect of acutane: sever fetal deformity. When I was taking the medication at 16, I had to take a pregnancy test EVERY month when I went to the dermatologist. They showed me pictures of all the horrible aliens I might give birth to if I became pregnant while taking the medication. I also had to sign a waiver saying I would either remain abstinent or use two forms of birth control!
ReplyI've been on Anti-depressants for 4 months now and I have experienced almost all of the listed 'minor' side effects (the side effects of the medication I'm on are in three catagories). Including; loss of apetite, headaches, teeth griding, insomnia, acne and lots of others.
ReplyI'm 'not allowed' to go off the medication because I could become suicidal and/or self harm (the exact reasons I was put on anti-depressants) even though 'suicidal tendinces' are a listed side effect.
'suicidal tendencies' has always been my favorite side effect. When I first started anti-depressants it took a long time to find the drug and dose that worked for me. Every drug brought a new nightmare. I started cutting myself, I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I started having "day dreams" which more closely resembled hallucinations, I started smoking, I went from an A- average to barely garduating...in the course of ONE YEAR. That said...I did get doses figured out and learned how to be in charge of my life.
For a long time I wonder if I could have chosen a better time to get on anti depressants...or if I even need them. Time and time again, I decide I have made the right choice. I feel in control of my life. It was a lot of work, for a very long time, but these days I can trust myself to act in my own best interest. It has even become natural to feel good.
Hang in there.