The 5 Least Manly Sports Movies
Hollywood loves to take the cojones out of everything. How else can you explain the movie industry hoi polloi taking a dick-swinging genre like the classic "sports movie" and slowly turning the whole thing into one big pussified monstrosity?
Here are the five sports films that make us want to go Fat Elvis on our 50-inch plasmas.
#5.
The Next Karate Kid
Let's get the facts out in the open right now--the first Karate Kid movie was fucking genius. It had it all: The good guys (Ralph Macchio and the late, great Pat Morita), the bad guys (Billy Zabka and his Cobra Kai Sensei, Martin Kove), a cute Elisabeth Shue. It was like someone crossed Rocky with a Chuck Norris movie and decided to set the whole thing in the surreal, cheesy universe of Saved by the Bell.
Unfortunately by the fourth installment, the movie had been watered down from a fun cheesy high school take on the sacred kick-ass martial arts genre into a harmless Lifetime Original Movie about strong women that vaguely touches on karate. Gone is Daniel-san, in his place is Hillary Swank as Julie--a busty teen who pisses all over her grandmother due to unresolved daddy issues. Luckily, Mr. Miyagi is there to teach her something called the Praying Mantis karate chop, which comes in handy after the bad guy in the film nearly rapes her at her high school. Because after all, when every other element of your movie seems to be aimed squarely at 12-year-old girls, what's more appropriate than an attempted rape?
Defining douche-chill moment:
A deadlock between Mr. Miyagi shopping for a fucking prom dress--a prom dress!--and the dancing monks in the monastery. We don't know what research the filmmakers did that would suggest that "dress-shopping and extended-dance sequences" were the two things the original Karate Kid movies desperately needed. All of the polls we took point to "more karate" and "boobs" as the best answers.
Vomit-in-the-mouth quote:Julie: "I wish I had courage like you."
Mr. Miyagi: "I wish I had chocolate bar with almonds."
Roll the tape:Mr. Miyagi teaches his pupil an important lesson about self defense by getting a bunch of kids to throw NERF toys at her. While it's unclear how this is supposed to teach her to fight off any but the most idiosyncratic rapist, it does provide one of the longest uninterrupted toy commercials ever inserted into a major motion picture.
If you really need to get the taste of shitty kung fu out of your mouth, (and after that clip, you'll pretty much have to), rent The Octagon with Chuck Norris from 1980. When Norris spits out the line, "That's an insult to both of us-it makes me stupid and you a whore," you'll be far too busy fist-pumping to wonder whether or not that statement actually means anything.
If you're going to include Jerry Maguire, you may as well include Top Gun for the volleyball scene. Though maybe it qualifies as most manly, depending on how much oily homoeroticism you look for in your manliness.
ReplyTo be fair about "The Next Karate Kid", it does star a girl, so you can't reallt expect it to be "manly" in any way.
ReplyAlso,"Karate Kid" 2 and 3 were pretty cool, though obviosuly not as good as the first.
Wow! Lots of people are getting teary over the inclusion of Field Of Dreams. That was a terrible film, and couldn't even be improved upon by watching it on hallucinogens. Hell, I've tried.
ReplyField of Dreams definitely shouldn't be on the list. It's a pretty damn good movie that has baseball as the tie that binds, so to speak. Ray was never at peace with his father and ultimately gets the chance to reconcile with him because he believes in Joe Jackson. There is so much more to it than just being a sports movie.
ReplyField of Dreams is a great movie... and Shoeless Joe isn't his dad, idiot. They're two completely different people... At least get your facts straight before you write a s****y review. Thank you.
ReplyThank you. The top of my head almost came off.
Field of Dreams made my childhood. You, good past sir, are a douche.
ReplyJerry Maquire is a sports movie? I thought it was a chick flick that happened to involve a sports agent, or whatever he was. It's not like the sports actually played a role in the movie, or not that I noticed. Pretty sure you could have given Jerry any kind of professional job and it still would have worked. Maybe I'm misremembering the movie.
Replyf**k "Slam Dunk Ernest"? Better idea: f**k YOU!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSeriously, you should already know what you are getting into with any movie starring Jim Varney. That movie is the only one on this list that was not released in theaters, so that alone should indicate what kind of film you are about to watch.
Meanwhile, you let s**t films like "Air Bud", "Angels in the Outfield" and "Swimfan" escape ridicule?
I hope your mother gets cancer.
P.S. - Ernest was a far bigger childhood hero to me than Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
It's a m***********g movie, chill out.
Jesus Christ, calm the f**k down.
Hopefully you get cancer, then at least we wont have to read this s**t you're spewing.
shut the f**k up you twat!
This list isn't really fair. I think a lot of people wouldn't even classify Field of Dreams or Jerry MaGuire as sports movies, but rather Fantasy and Romance/Drama movies with sports elements in them. It would be like including Gattaca on a list of the "Most Boring Sci-Fi/Action Flicks."
ReplyI will forever thank Alarcon for NOT ruining my love of Basketball by showing clips from the Earnest movie. I enjoyed the replacement clip immensely :D
ReplyI disagree with Field of Dreams being on the list. The ending scene where Ray asks his dad to play catch is forever etched in my memory as one of the most emotional moments in a sports movie.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou p***y
Seriously, did you even read the title of the list?
I always get emotional too whenever I find out my dad is a cheating scumbag who took a dive and destroyed the credibility of the national pastime.
The article would have been more fun if Alarcon hadn't been filled with so much hate-filled aggression while writing it. Seriously, a lighter touch (but with the same sarcastic points) would have made it more enjoyable.
ReplyI love how the first clip is called "Hilary Swank wearing overalls!". Is this like a fetish for someone or what?
ReplyPosted by Overallsfreak. I guess it is. Damn, that's a fetish that isn't even trying.
YES! That's the first thing I noticed about it too! And that's definitely an odd fetish.
agree with the sprinsteen video. just horrible.
ReplyCruise is a douche. like f*cking king of them all.
that clip with springsteen playing is literally unwatchable i lasted less than 10 seconds
ReplyIt just occured to me that I've never seen any of these movies in completion. Only in bits and pieces.
ReplyThankfully, this article convinced me that its all for the good that I didn't see them in thei entire nature.
Don't let the article convince you of anything. You'd be depriving yourself of some pretty good movies there. (Although I can't speak for the quality of the Ernest basketball movie. But really, why is that even on there? Fish in a barrel. That's like slamming the Air Bud movies.)
ok, I got about 10 seconds into that jerry mcguire video before I felt the need to puke my guts out. Why Springsteen?! For the love of all that is holy, WHY?!?!
ReplyIn real life, Cruise is a huge fan of Springsteen's. He reportedly spends hours in his study every day listening to the man's music.
Clearly the gheyest failure of a sports movie was excluded, and that would be Rudy. What in the f**k was that film about? Absolutely nothing but revolved around a football team. I was subjected to this failure of a film in high school when my Civics teacher couldn't be arsed to teach, and I wish I could have shot my eyes out and forgotten the whole ordeal. The kid didn't even accomplish anything other than pissing off a college football team for a whole season. Epic fail.
Replyf**k you Danny Alarcon. Seriously, go f**k yourself. Field of Dreams was beautiful, you can go shove your head up your ass.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesA little extreme in your response to HIS opinion of the film. The only thing I would like to correct (that is not opinion-based) was that Ray Kinsella didn't ask Shoeless Joe Jackson for a catch. Joe was Ray Liotta's character, not the man who turned out to be his father.
I wouldn't and never have considered "Field of Dreams" to be anything remotely close to a sports movie. I even felt that "The Rookie" was pushing the "sports movie" definition, but that film is closer to a 'sports movie' than "Field of Dreams" is.
Are you really defending a sports movie not being vaginafied by calling it "Beautiful"? really?
@bojimuncher
I did not such thing, I simply object to a great movie like Field of Dreams being described as a "half-assed fairy tale about a schizophrenic farmer," among other things.
i still can not believe there are as many earnest movies as there are. the best by far(for all the wrong reasons) was earnest goes to africa. check it out but do it stoned and or drunk
Reply