Grossly Inaccurate Review: Underworld
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Screen Gems Kate Beckinsale Dr. Vlad Akula by David Wong Ever since Mr. Potatohead stopped Toy Story 2 to give his 18-minute rant against interracial couples, I've decided I prefer films without bigotry. That's why Underworld is such a disappointment. Much like Mel Gibson's anti-British Braveheart, this historical drama about the 1974-1982 Vampire vs. Werewolf riots in London spends precious little time trying to entertain and far too much time taking sides. Vampires are portrayed as well-dressed aristocrats and keepers of the public good (the opening "what if" scene depicting a young Hitler narrowly avoiding vampire attack is heavy-handed and ridiculous). Their werewolf enemies are greasy-haired street thugs, (filmed complete with wavy CGI effect stink-lines) who stoop down on sidewalks to eat cat poo. Does this film point out that werewolves are actual wolves only a few times a year (to coincide with lunar cycles), whereas vampires are blood-gorged nightstalkers full time? We get dialogue about street crime rates among werewolves and we get lurid slow motion shots of distasteful werehabits (such as anus sniffing and public body hair shaving and violent rape), but no mention of the legal robbery carried out by our vampiric and immortal captains of industry who rise through the financial ranks through vast lifespans (George W. Bush and 1923 President Calvin Coolidge are the same person, by the way.) 
Sexy vampiress hero Kate Beckinsdale guns down werewolves in graceful moves and silky erotic lighting, uttering little sexy moans with each spray of fur-clotted blood. At one point she says to a male costar, "if you wish to have sex with me, you must slay a werewolf." She then turns toward the camera, rubs her nipples and whispers through pouty lips, "same goes for you out there. I will personally service any man who can mail me the unfeeling, bestial heart of a dead werebeast." I'm not taking sides myself; I only want to see the kind of unbiased depiction that this director (302 year-old Len Wiseman) has eschewed in favor of this 90-minute anti-wolf propaganda piece. Why don't you spend some time with werewolves, Mr. Wiseman? Why don't you hold a little hairy werebaby in your arms, or take a werewolf to the park and toss around the frisbee, before damning them in a childlike good guys vs. bad guys morality tale? I'm not going off on a rant about pro-vampiric bias in Hollywood, either; that's not what this review is about. It's true that I missed the last Blade film (coincidence that press screenings were held during the full moon?) but I've noticed that the series has gone from "hero vs. vampires" to "vampires are heroes," and that the third film, called Blade: Trinity portrays a holy trio of vampires ascending into Heaven to reign over all. If you want mindless action-horror, look elsewhere. If you want heavy-handed sermonizing, and ridiculous scenes of humans dying painfully from burst arteries due to "excess blood" from lack of vampire attack, Underworld is for you. Just stay away from me. Two stars. **  Posted by jtitus 9.20.03 - 1:35 PM Subject: future Message: i'm from the future ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by mohair 9.20.03 - 3:55 PM Subject: Message: cool. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
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I don't see what you guys are all bitching about, this site is mostly about getting your opinion out to other people anyways.
You're bitching about these reviews he does but seriously, it's your choice that you click on the goddamn article to read it in the first place.
I think most of you people can be put down as the type which often purposely choose articles just because you're hoping to have a go at the writer in the comments section.
But hey, whatever my opinion is biased right? Since i enjoyed the article. It's not gonna make a difference to you guys anyway even if this was written by God himself, i just really needed to vent.
I feel as though I may have spoken on this topic already. And yet. . . perhaps it bears repetition. Kate Beckinsale is a fox. Yes--yes, it's true. I can say no more.
Who the hell cares about race? The fact that these reviews are s**t and need to stop is what matters.
...Is that a vampire or werewolf dissolving in the water?
LuigifanALL NOTAMERICAN FOREGIN BASTARDS ARE COMMIE MOZLEMIST FAGGOTS WE KILL KILL THEm AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!
AMERICAWILLRULETHEWORLDTEDW, your mother.
Why?
Just because. Much like your mother.
Soupwatch full movies at http://www.tvokay.com it is free for you streaming and download....cheeck it out
These "innaccurate review" things have just got to stop. they are horrible.
That's enough, David WongNo that dollar sign was clearly a typo because he has stupidly fat british fingers that can't work american keys because he is stupid and british and he can't handle the fact that president bush could beat the queen in a fist fight any day because she is a stupid brit who is also a german. f*****g foreigners. VIVA LA AMERICANO!
gargantuayea pretty sure he put a dollar sign there on purpose...
unknownI am not a "Yank" as you call me, but I will insult you for being a douchebag British person. Did it ever occur to you that Mr. Wong knows that all douches are British, and all British are douches, and that the anti-British propaganda of Braveheart was both against the douchy English and their douchiness as well as the poor, stupid, kilt-wearing scottish who couldn't even understand how to unite against the douchy British without first sacrificing the man-king that is Mel Gibs--sorry---William Wallace? Did that never occur to you? Of course it didn't you're a douchebag British person. Oh, and nice job spelling Bush. I'm fairly certain $ is not a letter.
Braveheart was not anti-British. it was anti-english. As inhabitants of one of the countries that makes up Great Britain , Scots are themselves "British". Of course I will now be attacked by rednecked yanks who think "The World" is somethingthat belongs soley to Emperor Bu$h.
Scotsmancool
i'm from the future
what can i say but rofl.
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Hey, a John Titus reference! "I'm from the future."