Grossly Inaccurate Review: Underworld
Dr. Vlad Akula
by David Wong
Ever since Mr. Potatohead stopped Toy Story 2 to give his 18-minute rant against interracial couples, I've decided I prefer films without bigotry. That's why Underworld is such a disappointment.
Much like Mel Gibson's anti-British Braveheart, this historical drama about the 1974-1982 Vampire vs. Werewolf riots in London spends precious little time trying to entertain and far too much time taking sides. Vampires are portrayed as well-dressed aristocrats and keepers of the public good (the opening "what if" scene depicting a young Hitler narrowly avoiding vampire attack is heavy-handed and ridiculous). Their werewolf enemies are greasy-haired street thugs, (filmed complete with wavy CGI effect stink-lines) who stoop down on sidewalks to eat cat poo.
Does this film point out that werewolves are actual wolves only a few times a year (to coincide with lunar cycles), whereas vampires are blood-gorged nightstalkers full time? We get dialogue about street crime rates among werewolves and we get lurid slow motion shots of distasteful werehabits (such as anus sniffing and public body hair shaving and violent rape), but no mention of the legal robbery carried out by our vampiric and immortal captains of industry who rise through the financial ranks through vast lifespans (George W. Bush and 1923 President Calvin Coolidge are the same person, by the way.)