Giants vs. Bills
"Say, pre-teen girls seem to dig this group of hip lesbians. Let's hook 'em while they're young. What? Yes, both pre-teen girls and lesbians."
The music of NKOTB has a Pavlovian effect on football fans, setting them off into an involuntary, furious rage. Luckily, police were able to offset the effects by blaring AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" throughout the stadium during the subsequent commercial break.
Giants vs. Ravens
"Okay, so the NKOTB performance went poorly, but that was a decade ago. Football has come a long way since then. Plus, New York fans and Baltimore fans will like this sassy, highly choreographed boy band more than that last one."
If there's one thing a guy from New York or Baltimore can't stand, it's a teenager with frosty tips and a denim vest getting more pussy and more money in one day than he'll see in his whole life.
Redskins vs. Bills
"Hey, her band's name is "The Miami Sound Machine," and that sounds like it could be the name of a legendary D-Line or something. Also, the game's being played in Minnesota, and as everyone knows, nothing evokes a Northern Hinterland in the dead of winter like Gloria Estefan."
Gloria Estefan is what you would get if the Taco Bell chihuahua impregnated Celine Dion. In fact, this half time show was so bad that it was nearly beat in the ratings by a live episode of In Living Color. The next year the NFL spent millions of dollars to get Michael Jackson to perform, vowing to never again stake their claim on a washed-up soft-rock has-been like Estefan.
Broncos vs. Falcons
"Not Gloria Estefan, she is the one who nearly got us beat by the Wayans brothers back in '92. And that was when she was popular"Oh, hello Michael Irvin. Yes we would love to have some of your crack-cocaine" COUGH, COUGH" Estefan, eh? Hmm, she does have a pretty good voice" Football fans might just love her emotional take on romantic adult Latin pop this time around! Oh, Michael, you're incorrigible! We should get together again in 6 years and talk about changing the refs' uniforms."
On account of the crack. That's really the only explanation we can come up with.
Redskins vs. Bills
"Hey, why don't we slam each other in the temple with a crowbar and then throw a dart at this wall of pictures of people that wouldn't be safe in any NFL stadium parking lot?"
Please see above photograph.