Clive Bannister
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On Super Sunday, football fans' favorite take-no-prisoners artist will perform at halftime, musically expressing the patriotic sentiment captured by the NFL's biggest game. Get ready to rock the fuck out with"¦ Prince? What the shit? Not that there's anything wrong with Prince, per se, and there's certainly nothing wrong with homosexuals. But there IS something wrong with so badly misunderstanding your target demographic. After all, would poodle enthusiasts want Slayer to open up the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show? The sensual boy-man is just the latest in a string of terrible bookings by the powers that be in the NFL. Join us on a journey through the most horribly miscast performers of Super Bowls past.
"Sting is the perfect choice for this testosterone charged media event. I mean, 'sting' is what happens to you if you touch a bee, which hurts. Umm, and 'The Police' is a pretty intimidating name too. Black people are scared of the police."
The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."
"Hey, he's the guy with the song about the 'air tonight,' right? Isn't that about letting someone die or something? That sounds kind of cool. People like cool."
Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?
"Say, Goodman really looks like your average football fan: he's fat, whiskery and eats food like Tony Montana does coke. Those slobs will love him."
Goodman performed as part of the new Blues Brothers, which specializes in pissing on the grave of the late, beloved John Belushi. If there's one thing those slobs don't like, it's Dan from Rosanne dishonoring Bluto from Animal House.
"Let's really go after that Latino demographic this year. Those bastards will run the country pretty soon, and they're money's as green as ours is."
Latinos find Enrique Iglesias as effeminately annoying as all other races do. Hell, maybe even more so. But, in a way, that unified hate brought people together. And isn't that what football's all about?
"The Pointer Sisters are all either in rehab or having hip surgery, but we still want to target the apathetically disinterested demographic this year."
If there's one thing that people from Dallas and Pittsburgh have in common, it's that they'd rather get shot in the kneecap with a crossbow than listen to "Endless Love" between halves.
"Say, pre-teen girls seem to dig this group of hip lesbians. Let's hook 'em while they're young. What? Yes, both pre-teen girls and lesbians."
The music of NKOTB has a Pavlovian effect on football fans, setting them off into an involuntary, furious rage. Luckily, police were able to offset the effects by blaring AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" throughout the stadium during the subsequent commercial break.
"Okay, so the NKOTB performance went poorly, but that was a decade ago. Football has come a long way since then. Plus, New York fans and Baltimore fans will like this sassy, highly choreographed boy band more than that last one."
If there's one thing a guy from New York or Baltimore can't stand, it's a teenager with frosty tips and a denim vest getting more pussy and more money in one day than he'll see in his whole life.
"Hey, her band's name is "The Miami Sound Machine," and that sounds like it could be the name of a legendary D-Line or something. Also, the game's being played in Minnesota, and as everyone knows, nothing evokes a Northern Hinterland in the dead of winter like Gloria Estefan."
Gloria Estefan is what you would get if the Taco Bell chihuahua impregnated Celine Dion. In fact, this half time show was so bad that it was nearly beat in the ratings by a live episode of In Living Color. The next year the NFL spent millions of dollars to get Michael Jackson to perform, vowing to never again stake their claim on a washed-up soft-rock has-been like Estefan.
"Not Gloria Estefan, she is the one who nearly got us beat by the Wayans brothers back in '92. And that was when she was popular"¦Oh, hello Michael Irvin. Yes we would love to have some of your crack-cocaine"¦ COUGH, COUGH"¦ Estefan, eh? Hmm, she does have a pretty good voice"¦ Football fans might just love her emotional take on romantic adult Latin pop this time around! Oh, Michael, you're incorrigible! We should get together again in 6 years and talk about changing the refs' uniforms."
On account of the crack. That's really the only explanation we can come up with.
"Hey, why don't we slam each other in the temple with a crowbar and then throw a dart at this wall of pictures of people that wouldn't be safe in any NFL stadium parking lot?"
Please see above photograph.
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