DEAL OR NO DEAL
Please do not touch Howie Mandel. Just trust us on this one.
Please do not refer to the shady banker who makes you offers while sitting upstairs in a dimly lit office as just "The Banker." He has a name, and he would prefer you use it. It's Shylock Moneygrubbs.
The producers have brought your family on the show for one very good reason: to manipulate you into making bad decisions. Please try to honor their wishes.
It is perfectly acceptable to leer at the models who open the briefcases, and even to make flirty comments to them, but be warned that any attempt to fraternize with them after the show will result in your abdominal cavity being opened like a briefcase, as that is all these young women know how to do.
You may instinctively ask if you can see what's inside a box covered with question marks, but we remind you that this is not the far more entertaining "Let's Make a Deal," and that your chicken costume is well outside our dress recommendations.
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER?
While you are encouraged to attempt to prove your intellectual superiority to 11-year- olds, the producers take no position on whether it is ethical to beat them up and take their lunch money.
We do, however, support beating up Jeff Foxworthy and taking his lunch money, as it is considered legitimate sport in most states.
If you manage to humiliate yourself as the producers expect, please do not cause further embarrassment by announcing that the premise of the show is "stupid." Everyone already knows that, including the 5th graders.
For just such a reason, if you feel that this show is too difficult for you, you may be asked to audition for the spinoff show that begins next fall, "Are You Smarter Than a FOX Network Executive?"
Note that the name of the show is not, in fact, "Do You Have a Bigger Schlong than a 5th Grader?" and as such, you should not make any attempts to prove such an accomplishment.