DEAL OR NO DEAL
do not touch Howie Mandel. Just trust us on this one.
Please do not refer to the shady banker who makes you offers while sitting
upstairs in a dimly lit office as just "The Banker." He has
a name, and he would prefer you use it. It's Shylock Moneygrubbs.
The producers have brought your family on the show for one very good reason:
to manipulate you into making bad decisions. Please try to honor their
It is perfectly acceptable to leer at the models who open the briefcases,
and even to make flirty comments to them, but be warned that any attempt
to fraternize with them after the show will result in your abdominal cavity
being opened like a briefcase, as that is all these young women know how
You may instinctively ask if you can see what's inside a box covered
with question marks, but we remind you that this is not the far more entertaining
"Let's Make a Deal," and that your chicken costume is well outside
our dress recommendations.
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER?
you are encouraged to attempt to prove your intellectual superiority to
11-year- olds, the producers take no position on whether it is ethical
to beat them up and take their lunch money.
We do, however, support beating up Jeff Foxworthy and taking his lunch
money, as it is considered legitimate sport in most states.
If you manage to humiliate yourself as the producers expect, please do
not cause further embarrassment by announcing that the premise of the
show is "stupid." Everyone already knows that, including the
For just such a reason, if you feel that this show is too difficult for
you, you may be asked to audition for the spinoff show that begins next
fall, "Are You Smarter Than a FOX Network Executive?"
Note that the name of the show is not, in fact, "Do You Have a Bigger
Schlong than a 5th Grader?" and as such, you should not make any
attempts to prove such an accomplishment.
1 VS. 100
show has nothing to do with attacks by gigantic hordes of ninjas, so please
be aware of that when entering the studio, especially if you tend to travel
with huge hordes of ninjas.
If things aren't going well, try falling down or hitting yourself in the
crotch with a Wiffle Ball bat. By lifelong contractual obligation, Bob
Saget is required to narrate it in an annoying, whiny voice.
If at any point you feel as though you do not understand the premise or
purpose of this show, do not panic. Neither do the producers.
sure that the first thing you do when you see Penn Jillette is ask him
where Teller is. He loves that.