The 10 Worst Celebrity Bands
What is it that makes celebrity bands so incomprehensibly bad? One popular theory states that there's only so much room for artistic talent in a person, and that these celebs' highly developed primary talents simply leave no room for musical talent. On the other hand, the CRACKED Theory of Celebrity Bands holds that these conceited assclowns started performing only to satisfy their crippling need for attention. Whatever theory you subscribe to, there's one thing we can all agree on: The following 10 performers should throw all of their musical equipment into a wood chipper.
#10.
Juliette and the Licks
Celebrity Member: Juliette Lewis
This band almost doesn't suck, and this little diddy below is a perfect example. It kicks off with a swell-looking dame in tit-hugging spandex screaming about how she street-fights people-file that under "pretty motherfucking sweet." But then comes the chorus, and like Juliette Lewis' career around 2001, everything falls apart. Not only does she rhyme the central phrase "it's a mad, mad world" with the equally stupid "it's a mad, mad girl," but the tune sounds roughly like this time a kid we knew in fourth grade broke his leg playing kickball. So while this song's chorus is enough to condemn them, Juliette and the Licks get some credit for laying down 25 seconds of acceptable song before the contrived ego-boosting bullshit kicks in.
#9.
The Bacon Brothers
Celebrity Member: Kevin Bacon
Here is why The Bacon Brothers eat shit (musical shit, that is): Kevin Bacon's brother is in the band. (He's very, very bad.) Ironically, if this band consisted of just KB and a backing band (possible name: Kevin Bacon and the Eggz), it'd be more than palatable. Who knew that the star of classic action-thriller Footloose could sing? Well, besides his less attractive, less talented brother?
#8.
Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Member: Billy Bob Thornton
Wrapping up the "Celebrity Bands That Don't Completely Blow" portion of our list is William Robert Thornton, who's released four albums in the last decade. BBT has some kind-of-okay chops, but there's one significant problem: the man consistently sounds like he's taking a difficult mid-song dump. And judging from some of his past behavior (and the way he just generally seems like a lowlife sexual deviant), he very well may be. Which, of course, is a major problem for a musician (and his audience).
WhatchuTalkinBout Willis? 30 Seconds is the Shit!
ReplyHahaha,
Reply"Man, f**k you, Russell Crowe."
That's all that needed to be said.....awesome
I would have suggested tenacious D but then I remembered.They don't suck
ReplyI'm never sure if less than talented celebrities are deluded by their yes men, or if they decide to screw public opinion and have fun. I suspect it is a little of both. If people buy it, more power to them I guess.
ReplyWell, regardless of my opinion of 30 seconds to mars (it's not a very lofty opinion, I'll say that), I didn't even realize jared leto officially counted as anything else but a singer. Maybe I've just never happened to see anything he's ever been in (which sounds like it might mean I'm lucky).
ReplyI love it when people defend a band and say they're great and their proof is that the band has a lot of fans. So does Taylor Swift, Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, etc... I'd say a lot of times the fact that a band has tons of a fans can be a bad sign, especially since most people tend to have crappy taste in music. 30 Seconds to Mars is horribly generic and weepy, definitely an emo band. They deserve to be on this list.
ReplyI like Bruce Willis's voice... Please, don't tell me I'm alone on this.
ReplyI didn't know Jared Leto was an actor as well until recently...30 seconds to mars aren't bad though. They aren't the best, but they are far from the worst :)
ReplyMan, you really fucked up when you included 30STMs in this group.
Replyor not, because they're terrible
30 seconds to mars is a really good band, Cracked!! He may make some, uh, sub-standard movies, but the guy has chops
ReplyI totally agree, the writer of this article mustn't know s**t about music if he thinks 30STMs is a s****y celebrity band. Have you listented to them lately, they (Jared, his brother Shannon and Tomo) are excellent musicians, Jared is a great singer and they have awesome videos. Hey, shitwad, have you ever seen one of his concerts, the band has millions of fans around the WORLD. Your're just jealous because not only can Jared act, he can also sing, play the guitar and is probably way way better looking than you. As for his acting, have you ever seen any of his movies, Lord of War, Panic Room, Requiem for a Dream etc etc. Obviously if he was such a bad actor, he wouldn't be cast as the lead or supporting lead in movies. Your're just jealous. Get over it.
I normally have great respect for the writers at cracked but you include 30 stm on this list? I hope you enjoy crying yourself to sleep about how your boyfriend dumped you while you listen to some crappy Taylor Swift song...
ReplyFYI, Jared Leto is actually famous BECAUSE of 30 stm
That's not true, he was in movies YEARS before 30STM started, or at least before they became popular.
Jada Pinkette was the absolute worst, hands down. Death metal has a strong tendency towards shittiness in general, but oh my god, that was just terrible.
Replyhaters gonna hate. Death metal is more of an acquired taste as far as music goes. It's also extremely love or hate
Jada Pinkette should not be doing Heavy Metal. It sucked. However, I disagree with you respectively about 30 seconds to mars.
ReplyHow is Steven Seagal NOT on this list??? Not to mention Hulk Hogan or Randy "Macho Man" Savage....all terrible....all waaaay worse than Kevin Bacon.
ReplyHaha, yeah Steven Seagal should have found his way on here for sure.
no mention of Bud Bundy's ill fated hip-hop career?
ReplySo that's what happened to Bud!?
Hell yeah!One of the Worst Celebrity Bands get now to Guiness Book.Guess wo? 30SECONDS TO MARS!!
ReplyOh yeah! 300 concerts with 1 album. So shut up haters!
WOW, Kevin Bacon can sing! I'd actually buy an album if he made one.
ReplyI like the majority of the bands on this list. I would really like to know what kind of music the author of this article listens to. Not being a b***h here - I'm genuinely curious., Everyone has different tastes, of course. I get torn apart on the site I write for because of articles similar to this one. With that said, it really appears that bands were included on this list simply for featuring a celebrity regardless of whether the band is good or not. 30STM is a great example but there are more on there. Billy Bob's albums aren't for everyone but I have heard a few songs that are no worse than much of what's played on the radio today. I guess to me the article just comes off as whiny, petty and vindictive.
ReplyI read another article he wrote, "The 10 Weakest songs by Badass Bands" and he's exactly the same. I don't know if he's just trying to make people angry or if he's genuinely this intolerant and whiny, but he's the first Cracked writer I've found whose articles I will consciously avoid.
terrible bands with celebrities should count authors, anyone heard of the rock bottom remainders? they have Steven King and they still suck out loud
Replykupek by brian lee o'malley sucks harder
Okay, I have decided to re-read this article and see how many half-decent celebrity bands I can find that I don't mind listening to. Thanks! :D
ReplyFollow-up: I'll get back to this when I get the image of Bruce Willis singing with his hands out of my head. Have a nice life, everyone.