The 10 Worst Celebrity Bands
What is it that makes celebrity bands so incomprehensibly bad? One popular theory states that there's only so much room for artistic talent in a person, and that these celebs' highly developed primary talents simply leave no room for musical talent. On the other hand, the CRACKED Theory of Celebrity Bands holds that these conceited assclowns started performing only to satisfy their crippling need for attention. Whatever theory you subscribe to, there's one thing we can all agree on: The following 10 performers should throw all of their musical equipment into a wood chipper.
Juliette and the Licks
Celebrity Member: Juliette Lewis
This band almost doesn't suck, and this little diddy below is a perfect example. It kicks off with a swell-looking dame in tit-hugging spandex screaming about how she street-fights people-file that under "pretty motherfucking sweet." But then comes the chorus, and like Juliette Lewis' career around 2001, everything falls apart. Not only does she rhyme the central phrase "it's a mad, mad world" with the equally stupid "it's a mad, mad girl," but the tune sounds roughly like this time a kid we knew in fourth grade broke his leg playing kickball. So while this song's chorus is enough to condemn them, Juliette and the Licks get some credit for laying down 25 seconds of acceptable song before the contrived ego-boosting bullshit kicks in.
The Bacon Brothers
Celebrity Member: Kevin Bacon
Here is why The Bacon Brothers eat shit (musical shit, that is): Kevin Bacon's brother is in the band. (He's very, very bad.) Ironically, if this band consisted of just KB and a backing band (possible name: Kevin Bacon and the Eggz), it'd be more than palatable. Who knew that the star of classic action-thriller Footloose could sing? Well, besides his less attractive, less talented brother?
Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Member: Billy Bob Thornton
Wrapping up the "Celebrity Bands That Don't Completely Blow" portion of our list is William Robert Thornton, who's released four albums in the last decade. BBT has some kind-of-okay chops, but there's one significant problem: the man consistently sounds like he's taking a difficult mid-song dump. And judging from some of his past behavior (and the way he just generally seems like a lowlife sexual deviant), he very well may be. Which, of course, is a major problem for a musician (and his audience).
Celebrity Member: Jada Pinkett-Smith
Since 2003, the wife of movie star Will Smith has been leading a double life. Most days, she's either acting sassy in a mediocre mid-budget movie or parading her disproportionately large biceps down a red carpet. But on very rare occasions, she runs around screaming in agony like someone just shoved red-hot poker up her eye socket as a hilarious practical joke. Surprisingly, she found four other non-musicians to follow her around and violently molest instruments as she red-hot-poker-yells into a microphone. Nobody knows what made the seemingly sweet Jada turn to death metal, but we're guessing that starring alongside Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor had something to do with it. That dude's a dick.
Celebrity Member: Dennis Quaid
The Sharks (or as they're known in the biz, "The Band That Was Named by an 8-Year-Old Boy") are fronted by Dennis Quaid, brother of comedy super-legend Randy Quaid. Fun fact: Dennis Quaid is a grown man who finds it acceptable to wear a Texas Longhorns baseball jersey on stage. There's not much to say about The Sharks other than the fact that, well, they aren't very good. Oh, and that Dennis Quaid might be an 8-year-old boy caught in a man's body.
30 Seconds to Mars
Celebrity Member: Jared Leto
Remember when Jared Leto starred in whiny me-fest My So-Called Life and you wanted to magically jump into the screen and elbow his nose through the back of his skull like that scene in A History of Violence? That's exactly what happens when you watch one of this pompous, make-up-wearing slapdick's "music" "videos." To showcase this band's non-abilities, we decided to go with their Shining-esque video for "The Kill," a song that chronicles the band's trip to an abandoned hotel, in which they make love to each other for days on end, presumably.
30 Odd Foot of Grunts
Celebrity Member: Russell Crowe
Man, fuck you, Russell Crowe.
Celebrity Member: Keanu Reeves
The butt of countless jokes, Keanu Reeves' now-defunct side project was a band that, well, deserved to be the butt of countless jokes. The most bewildering aspect of Dogstar's suckitude is the fact that Keanu is only the bassist-a supporting role at best. On one hand, it could mean that Keanu was smart enough to know that he should keep himself out of the limelight. But more likely, it means that he was dumbtarded enough to believe that this jagoff lead singer actually had a good voice. Imagine that: Keanu Reeves is unintelligent and confused about his surroundings. You learn something new every day.
(tie) The Bruce Willis Blues Band
Celebrity Member: Bruce Willis
Try as he might, Bruce Willis is not an old black man. So why he believes he can belt out blues tunes in a caricaturish old black man's voice-the equivalent of musical blackface-is a mystery. Are we supposed to believe that he looks like a white guy, talks like a white guy and goes through expensive, humiliating divorces like a white guy, but then magically starts singing like a black cartoon character as soon as his embarrassed guitarist starts butchering a John Lee Hooker riff? (It should also be noted that the hypothetical old black man we're talking about has a terrible singing voice.)
Celebrity Member: Minnie Driver
It's not unreasonable to claim that Minnie Driver is a talented actress. But it's also not unreasonable to claim that the video below is one of the dumbest pieces of bullshit ever created by anyone ever. And God bless the production team on her last album, Everything I've Got in My Pocket, because they did everything they could to make this audio vomit listenable. And while Minnie's voice may not be the worst on this list, her bland, simple lyrics like "I wanna lay down with you forever" (Forever? You mean I can't stand up to piss?) and melodies that employ about three notes really steal the show. You may be thinking, "But what if this song isn't representative of the other songs on her album?" Well, you're very wrong.
Honky Tonk Confidential
Celebrity Member: Bob Schieffer
Oh, Bob Schieffer, you're so adorable with your Southern drawl, your tailored suits and the way you sing like a homophobic asshole. Maybe the most dumbfounding aspect of Schieffer's signature song, "TV Anchorman," is that he's rapping over a country western tune about how he thinks some guy wants to fuck him ("I'm not some Brokeback Mountain dude"). It's not that the notion of another man wanting to fuck Bob Schieffer is that outrageous-let's face it, he's got a shape to him-it's just that most people who perform in public would try to avoid lyrics that are so clearly autobiographical and that basically amount to the singer telling someone, "Hey, I ain't no fag, you fag!" If you're wondering whether Schieffer has enough musical talent or stage presence to redeem a misguided lyric like this one, just watch the video below, and try as hard as you can not to throw your computer through a window.