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The 10 Worst Celebrity Bands
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What is it that makes celebrity bands so incomprehensibly bad? One popular theory states that there's only so much room for artistic talent in a person, and that these celebs' highly developed primary talents simply leave no room for musical talent. On the other hand, the CRACKED Theory of Celebrity Bands holds that these conceited assclowns started performing only to satisfy their crippling need for attention. Whatever theory you subscribe to, there's one thing we can all agree on: The following 10 performers should throw all of their musical equipment into a wood chipper. #10.
Juliette and the Licks
Celebrity Member: Juliette Lewis This band almost doesn't suck, and this little diddy below is a perfect example. It kicks off with a swell-looking dame in tit-hugging spandex screaming about how she street-fights people-file that under "pretty motherfucking sweet." But then comes the chorus, and like Juliette Lewis' career around 2001, everything falls apart. Not only does she rhyme the central phrase "it's a mad, mad world" with the equally stupid "it's a mad, mad girl," but the tune sounds roughly like this time a kid we knew in fourth grade broke his leg playing kickball. So while this song's chorus is enough to condemn them, Juliette and the Licks get some credit for laying down 25 seconds of acceptable song before the contrived ego-boosting bullshit kicks in.
#9.
The Bacon Brothers
Celebrity Member: Kevin Bacon Here is why The Bacon Brothers eat shit (musical shit, that is): Kevin Bacon's brother is in the band. (He's very, very bad.) Ironically, if this band consisted of just KB and a backing band (possible name: Kevin Bacon and the Eggz), it'd be more than palatable. Who knew that the star of classic action-thriller Footloose could sing? Well, besides his less attractive, less talented brother? #8.
Billy Bob Thornton
Celebrity Member: Billy Bob Thornton Wrapping up the "Celebrity Bands That Don't Completely Blow" portion of our list is William Robert Thornton, who's released four albums in the last decade. BBT has some kind-of-okay chops, but there's one significant problem: the man consistently sounds like he's taking a difficult mid-song dump. And judging from some of his past behavior (and the way he just generally seems like a lowlife sexual deviant), he very well may be. Which, of course, is a major problem for a musician (and his audience). |
27 Comments
Yes, 30 Seconds to Mars IS THAT BAD. Not only are they crappy... but they are even crappy for EMO. Which takes a whole new level of suck it's almost inconceivable.
Good lord, Bob Schieffer. Usually when people impersonate Johnny Cash they can at least KINDA sing.
30 Seconds to Mars is actually not bad.
7amtony
I like Paris Hilton as a model better than as a singer. She's not that that bad. But wait, what the heck is this Raspberry & Lavender: Diaries of a lavender girl stuff? am I missing something exciting?
harlem
I saw Juliet Lewis live singing. Not that bad. What's with this Raspberry & Lavender: Diaries of a Lavender Girl..hmm. Is it a movie or a tv show?? ??
Lindsay Lohan's fans
Why can't Lindsay Lohan star in Raspberry & Lavender: Diaries of a Lavender. She should get the lead role of Mandii Carson.
Paris Hilton should be in there too. Sorry, no Britney Spears.
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Stranger Randy
The Greatest celebrity band of all time is: Corey Feldman's Truth Movement and their classic, celebrated album "Searching For My Soul" has made a crater in the indie music scene that could be seen from space.
sar
yes, this sucks, but minnies album does have some songs that dont suck. but making fun of the forever line? well now that's just lazy. never hear any other hyperbole about love?
victorygal
yep, big veiny ones
evangelina
haha, i adore 3o seconds to mars but i have to agree that jared leto, although a fangirls dream come true, is an absolute pompous douchebag. one of my friends got the chance to meet him in person, and upon doing so he insulted her and left her crying.
victorygal
disregard that, i suck cocks.
victorygal
How could Paris Hilton not be on this list.
Loves the D
Are you fucking crazy, you weird hater down a few comments? Tenacious D is clearly supreme...they are so awesome that they wrote the greatest song in the world AND its tribute. Chew on that, dick.
immajew
Jack Black and Kyle Gass were in Tenacious D long before they were celebrities.
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