A CRACKED Guide toMovie Quotes

Over the past few years, conversations have become increasingly supplemented by well-known quotes from television and cinema. This phenomenon has resulted in the uncomfortable and all-too-common social situation where one person delivers a quote masterfully and the embarrassed listener, having never seen the movie, has to halt conversation to ask why they are being slapped in the face repeatedly and instructed to "act like a man!"

As a public service, CRACKED has compiled commonly utilized movie quotes, along with a description of how they are typically used in conversation. Now when you hear these lines, you can laugh knowingly while mourning the death of intelligent conversation.


"Vegas, Baby, Vegas!"
"Vegas Baby Vegas" was brought to you by Swingers, the film that launched the careers of John Favreau, Vince Vaughn and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, who have all enjoyed endless success as long as they weren't members of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. Should you ever hear "Vegas Baby Vegas," it will in all likelihood be a white guy saying it. In fact, if you are ever in a car with two or more white males on the way to Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno or anywhere with a slot machine, there' a 110% chance that you will hear "Vegas Baby Vegas" at least once, and more likely five or six times. The idea of VBV is to convey a sense of the camaraderie and excitement of a "guy' night out."

The conversational partner is usually expected to respond with another Swingers line like: "You're so fucking money." Other acceptable responses include, "you're such a fucking tool" and "Jesus, Randy, we get it. Enough."

"Look at the beeg boy, cahming to get hees money."
Continuing with the White Guy/Gambling theme is a quote from Teddy KGB, played by John Malkovich in the poker movie Rounders. While declining in popularity, Teddy KGB quotes are still welcome in living room poker games nationwide, and Beeg Boy is applicable anytime a new player arrives or a player makes a comeback. Teddy KGB lines also go over well at casino poker tables, where the dealers have never heard that one before. Really. (Note: Teddy KGB quotes should be delivered in the worst Russian accent possible, with the knowledge that it will never be as bad as Malcovich'.)

"I fart in your general direction!"
This classic gem from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is the verbal equivalent of chucking someone' chin: it' harmless faux-aggression, and very few people will know what you're doing. People who use this quote are likely to be pasty, thin, and brittle-boned. One appropriate reply is to fire back: "We are the knights who say 'Knee!'" Another is to give the quoter an atomic wedgie. If you really want to hurt his feelings, as the waist of his underpants comes up over his head shout, "I'm a chaotic-evil elf-warrior with a constitution of 18, bitch!" Don't worry if you don't know what that means; the nerd will.

"The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club."
Whether in life or the workplace, rules are boring, so on the surface, Brad Pitt' iconic line from the cult hit Fight Club is useful to lighten up otherwise dull regulations. For instance, "The first rule of Pictionary is: you do not talk about Pictionary" will be a hit at any party, so long as you're playing Pictionary.

On a deeper level, the speaker is really hoping beyond hope that by quoting Fight Club he will in some way resemble Brad Pitt.

"Yeah, baby!" (To be delivered in hacky, god-awful British accent, accompanied by two thumbs up.)
In Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Mike Myers' portrayal of a hyper-sexualized British secret agent catapulted him into superstardom among teen-aged males. These now grown up men will often use Myers' catchphrase, "Yeah baby!" to express enthusiasm and imply that they too can put the "grrrr in swinger." In related news, Hell has recently announced the addition of an eighth circle, intended for anyone who has ever quoted Austin Powers in conversation, regardless of whether they were being ironic.

"I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal."
In Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell offers this line to Christina Applegate in an attempt to impress and pick up on her. This reference may similarly be used to initiate conversation with a strange woman. Used correctly, it efficiently communicates a sentiment of, "Hi. I'd like to talk to you, but we don't know each other, so finding a mutually interesting conversation topic is difficult. Being self-aware, I'm acknowledging this awkwardness and would like to make light of it using an intentionally unsuccessful pickup line we're both familiar with. Hopefully you will understand my intention and mere hours from now I'll be balls-deep in your lady flower." However, if you use the line incorrectly or on a woman who hasn't seen the movie, you end up looking like an asshole. But if you're using this line at all, you probably are an asshole, and it' better she find out now.

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
Anyone with two functional X chromosomes hopes that John Cusack will one day stand outside their house on the roof of his car, holding aloft a boom box playing Peter Gabriel' "In Your Eyes" like he did at the end of Say Anything. It' a scientific fact as unshakable as their love of ponies.

If you're out at a bar and a girl asks you what you want to do for a career, replying with this quote lets her know that not only have you seen Say Anything (read: sensitive), but that you paid close enough attention to memorize one of its most complicated lines (read: smart). It also implies that you have no idea what you want to do with you life and that she should probably go back to talking to the guy in the suit who works for Merrill Lynch.

"I can't quit you." (To be grunted in a Southern Accent through clenched jaw)
From this year' Brokeback Mountain, "I can't quit you" (ICQU in IM speak) is the latest movie quote to enter the funny guy from the idiotic frat lexicon. For maximum comic effect, this quote should be utilized during situations that could be construed as homoerotic were they not so goddamned manly. A hug after a football touchdown for instance, or while your buddy' crotch is in your face during a keg stand. The quote should be avoided during authentically gay activities like that OC viewing party you guys don't tell anyone about, or while laying around on cold mornings talking about how your parents could never understand how safe you feel in each other's arms.

Also, no matter how manly the situation, make sure to always say it loud enough for your other friends to hear. Even if you just juked four defenders to score a game winning touchdown, whispering anything into your buddy' ear has an off-putting, "our little secret" vibe to it.

Read more of Zach's stuff over at his blog UnderpantsOnTheOutside.com.

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