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Bloomberg's Transit Strike Contingency Plan

By Jay Pinkerton
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The New York transit strike is ON, threatening to bring Manhattan to a grinding halt. Fear not New Yorkers! Simply refer to this work of infrastructural genius, straight from the desk of the everyman billionaire.

* NYC's "Four to a car if you want to cross a bridge" restriction means that
motorists will be REQUIRED to pick you up to meet this quota. After these
same motorists drop you off immediately after crossing the bridge, a simple
45-block walk should get you to WORK ON TIME.

* Bicyclists are encouraged to allow fellow commuters to ride handle bars or ride their pegs. All bikes entering the city via bridge must also comply with a FOUR PERSON MINIMUM.

* In the event of SERIOUS ILLNESS, please make a "good faith" gesture to
stay at home and self-medicate for the duration of the strike. Remember that
most household items can be combined to make acceptable painkillers. A large
tumbler of Extra Strength Tylenol, Beefeater's Gin and Lemon Pledge, for
instance, can immediately and helpfully remove ALL FEELING BELOW THE NECK.

* Please note that New York City crime will REMAIN UNAFFECTED by the transit
strike. Also, terror cells are asked to refrain from attacking until the city is back up and running.

* Remind any friends with cars that their transportation is now the PROPERTY
OF MAYOR BLOOMBERG, and that he will most likely drop by sometime this
Friday to PICK UP THE KEYS.

* Commuters encountering MTA workers are asked to throw ROCKS, STONES and PEBBLES.

* Mayor Bloomberg requests that every commuter please make a "good faith"
gesture to learn how to operate a subway train within the next 24 hours and
REPORT IMMEDIATELY to Mayor Bloomberg. Operating instructions can be found
at the mayor's Geocities webpage.

* Taxis will be allowed to pick up MORE THAN ONE PASSENGER for the duration
of the strike, to allow more people to be gouged $40 a day in transportation
costs at one time.

* If at all possible, please make an attempt to GAIN EMPLOYMENT IN NEW
JERSEY within the next 24 hours to help alleviate gridlock in Manhattan.

* Please note that the Staten Island Railway will be running THROUGHOUT THE
STRIKE, in the unlikely event that you wanted to go to Staten Island.

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