5 Alternatives to Christianity to Consider

Science will never kill religion. Check any history book and you'll see that most religions were founded far after man had the technology to know that an invisible man living in space was fundamentally ridiculous. Some theorize that religion was invented to help humans cope with their inevitable death. Others claim that religion came about

because it's real-- God said so. And rain? Why, that's just the angels crying. So even if you did invent a machine that disproved God, how would it explain the image of Jesus in my grilled cheese sandwich? Or how a sick orphan's dreams can make her soul as free as a butterfly? Checkmate, science. We're stuck with religion, so we may as well have fun with it.

Jokes about religion have become such a part of everyday life that priests and rabbis can no longer share the same rowboat. If you've ever done a single impression, you've done a TV evangelist. What you may not know, though, is that every time someone does that, God sets off a volcano and Jesus takes one of your socks. The point is, we need to start finding some fresh targets for our religious jokes. Not only to keep things interesting, but to cover all your bets so in case one of these religions is right, you'll have blasphemed the one true God. For each theology, we'll list some silly facts to get you started and even give you a sample joke featuring members of that religion in a rowboat. These should only be considered placeholders until the mysterious cabal of Priest & A Rabbi joke writers return to us. Now let's get out there and find some new religions to laugh about!

Islam jokes have always been a little touchy. Not only because Muslims seem to have no sense of humor, but because if your joke has the word "Muslim" in it, a good section of your audience will dive for cover. Plus, you run the risk of your joke being interrupted by NSA agents who picked up on your suspicious chatter. But don't give up on Islam as a source of comedy because of a few tragedies-after all, Christians burn down abortion clinics and blame hurricanes on gay people, and we still find it in our hearts to bust their balls.

There are actually laws against Islam jokes in certain places. Many airports have signs telling us to avoid humorous remarks, even when a Muslim joke would kill. For instance, never tell a ticket agent, "As a matter of fact, I DID accept items from persons unknown to me! A nice man in a chadar gave me this awesome luggage freshener with a clock attached." Federal regulations require them to have no idea you're joking as they riddle your body with bullets.

SILLY FACT

When good Muslims die, they're sent to a Heaven to be pleasured by 72 virgins. Well, at least at first. After the 72 hour mark they'd just be regular dead chicks. It is paradise, though, so maybe they have some kind of virgin trade-in policy. Either way, it must be tough getting virgins to join up during Muslim recruitment drives. Imagine it from their point of view: you're all excited to make it into Heaven, you're gazing upon Allah's realm in wonderment... then Heaven's orientation director hands you a name tag that says "Hello! My name is Virgin #53. Ask me about my genitals!" If I was a Muslim woman who'd just died, and on the way to Heaven I look around and count 71 other girls? I'm jumping off the bus.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

In America, the black Muslim community has done the impossible: made the bowtie look scary. Louis Farrakhan could have given his speeches in front of Predator aliens and little girl ghosts whispering your name and it would have been less frightening than those Nation of Islam guys. However, as scary as it is to have a wall of black men in bowties glaring at you, it may one day lead to the promised land of hilarity. There's a chance, a tiny chance, that one day a Nation of Islam enforcer will be in line and suddenly, without affecting the snarl on his face in any way, his bowtie will start spinning and whistling. And that will be the funniest thing you've ever seen.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How many Muslims does it take to row a boat across a lake?

A: Wait, I get my toenail clippers taken away from me, and those guys somehow got a whole rowboat past security?

One thing of note about the Mormon people is their women are disproportionally hot. Mormon women all look like they came from a photo shoot as opposed to Mormon men who look like they came from a Dungeons and Dragons guild meeting. Check amongst your Mormon aquaintances. Most other religions treat women as an afterthought--they're either a chunk of rib made into a helpmate or completely covered in robes.

Mormon God has his priorities straight. Unfortunately, He's just as cruel as everyone else's gods because for every hot, hot Mormon girl, there's a strict rule against premarital sex. Which is probably why they get married at 16 and breed in incredible numbers.

SILLY FACT

Mormons believe women should be eternally pregnant. If an enemy air force ever attacked a Mormon compound, their women could point their pelvises towards the sky and shoot the planes down with unlimited baby ammunition. Along the same lines, Mormons wear secret God-powered underwear that makes them impervious to harm. After the nuclear holocaust, the only thing left standing will be radioactive mutants and half-dressed Mormons.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

There are three things that help a religion spread: recruiting, fund-raising, and breeding. Mormons are very, very good at all of these things. So get your Mormon jokes ready now because before we die, we'll be living in a world where unkillable underwear stores outnumber Starbuck's.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How do you keep a Mormon out of your rowboat?

A: Tie his necktie to his bike chain.

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