What Your Girlfriend's Hollywood Crush Says About You
So, you're in a happily committed relationship, right? And you're certain that your girlfriend is really into you, right?
Or maybe-just maybe-you're not that certain. Luckily, you can tell a lot about a girl by her movie star crushes. "My girlfriend doesn't have one of those," you might be saying. Uh huh. Just for fun, go take a look through her DVD collection. Do you notice how there are eight films starring James Spader? Connect the dots, dude.
Below, we've provided a handy list of Hollywood studs; why your lady fantasizing about them is a blessing in disguise; and why it might not be, either.
Jude Law
Why
It Bodes Well
Apparently hairlines are no longer a prerequisite for your girlfriend'
affection. This is definitely a good sign for any man who' woken
up next to a clump of his own hair. Also, he' notorious for having
cheated on his wife.
Why You're Screwed
Okay, so you've got balding covered. Now you just have to get hot,
rich, famous and British-and how hard can that be?
Oh. That hard? Shit. Plus, the fact that he' a cheater probably makes your girlfriend realize that she'd have a shot at a one-night stand with him. Double shit.
Colin Farrell
Why
It Bodes Well
If she admits that she likes Colin Farrell, she' pretty much admitting
that it' okay to get really drunk and throw a phone at her.
Why You're Screwed
We've actually looked into this and no-no, she really isn't
admitting that at all.
Orlando Bloom
Why
It Bodes Well
He' noted for playing roles as swashbuckling heroes in film franchises
like The Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean,
which we're pretty sure serves as tacit approval of you skipping
out on your anniversary dinner to play World of Warcraft. Plus, what'
hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage in Dungeons & Dragons?
Why You're Screwed
Um, just about everything' hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage
in Dungeons & Dragons. Also, even you have to admit that you'll
never be quite as attractive as Orlando. It' best if, every time
he pops on screen, you just point out that he' prettier than your
girlfriend and let jealousy do its thing.
Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Heath Ledger
Why
It Bodes Well
They starred in Brokeback Mountain, which pretty much makes them
gay, doesn't it?
Why You're Screwed
Whoops. Nope, it doesn't make them gay at all. It just makes you
insensitive and homophobic for thinking it. And now you're probably
going to have to make out with some dude just to prove that you're
not. On a happier note, this can now be your excuse if your girlfriend
catches you making out with some dude.
George Clooney
Why
It Bodes Well
He' getting up there in years, and as Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson
have proven in recent years, a few too many years as a Hollywood heartthrob
makes a man snap like a slice of dry toast.
Why You're Screwed
He actually seems to have his shit together, so it seems unlikely that
he'll be jumping on couches or ranting about how much he hates Jews.
But still, fingers crossed!
Adrien Brody
Why
It Bodes Well
Seriously, Adrien Brody? He looks like Paul Reubens if you broke his nose
a couple of dozen times. Honestly now, can you really say you're
not hotter than Adrien Brody? If not, are you honestly certain you have
a girlfriend?
Why You're Screwed
He' rich, famous and talented, and your girlfriend will insist
that he' "interesting-looking." And this is all true.
But still, Adrien fucking Brody?
Where is Johnny Depp?
ReplyMy Hollywood crushes are Bob Hoskins and Dan Lauria.
ReplyAdrien Brody is sexy.
ReplyBig noses make women wonder.
i like about 1/2. but only because they're extreeeemely attractive, lol.
ReplyMy girlfriend has a crush on Angelina Jolie. What does that say about me?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat you're a lucky man.
She likes pussies.
One of these options:
a)Her "bonding time" with her female best friend does not include panties.
b) The reason she doesn't tell you off if you're staring at other girl's bottoms is because she's too distracted by them
c)... you mean you haven't proposed a threesome yet?
"Where's Johnny Depp?"
ReplyYeah, Depp isn't on here, because it'd be like using whoever played the two pedophiles in Twilight (the sparkly fairy and the large dog)...
The basic synopsis is: Good - Your girlfriend is one of the other one hundred billion women out there that like these "men", so if she leaves you, there's plenty of replacements.
Bad - She probably owns, and enjoys watching Twilight...
Get yourself off whatever it is that you're smoking sir/ma'am. You're basically implying that anyone who likes Johnny Depp has to be a Twishit fan too?
Well, I am a Johnny Depp fan, and as you might have noticed, I absolutely HATE 'Twilight'.
And I know lots of other women like me.
So before making stupid-ass comments, listen to the advice in the first sentence, and get off your pot, dumb-ass. -__-
Finding Neverland, Fear and Loathing, Nightmare on Elm Street, Sleepy Hollow, Benny and Joon, and more than 40 other movies are hardly in any way comparable with s****y amateur fan-fiction dear-diary metrosexual vampires Twinklight, dipshit.
Joseph Gordon Levitt probably should have been on this list. Just saying.
ReplyHey! Hey now! What about Johnny Depp?!
ReplyI have no idea who Taye Diggs is but he is beautiful
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHe's been in a few movies, but mostly Broadway. He married Idina Menzel
He was in Ally McBeal too, only reason I know him.
Benny in Rent and...whatever his name was in Chicago. Beauuuuuutiful voice.
he is a beautiful man, EXCEPT, when somebody points out he looks like Kermit the frog...now that's all I see
Where's Johnny Depp?
ReplyBest line: "He's apparently fallen into the habit-popularized by Benicio Del Toro-of looking a little bit more like a toad every day" XD
ReplySurprised Johnny Depp isn't on this list. I know a lot of women who love him, and basically no one who loves the guys on this list. That includes me, though, Taye Diggs is _hot_.
More pressing than who's not on this list is what's not on this list: the letter "s" following apostrophies. Seriously, is your auto-correct laughing at you?
ReplyThat's apparently a glitch with old articles: a lot of missing apostrophes.
I've met McConaughey a few times, he's actually not that intelligent. And my Economics teacher was a pledge at UT Austin with him, they had to make out, it's a fun story he tells every class
ReplyMy thought process: "That lucky bi...oh it's a dude". xD
Taye Diggs is pretty awesome.
ReplyI do second the comment about Johnny Depp. I mean, *everyone* has a crush on Johnny Depp. The manliest straight dudes going have crushes on Johnny Depp. He's just too cool to exist.
Um, hello, where is Christian Bale?
ReplyAs for Taye Diggs, does overacting count as a flaw? Because he was probably picking splinters out of his teeth for months after filming 'Equilibrium'.
Christian Bale is one of the most awful people to live. He's not on this list b/c he's a s**tty actor who looks like he's sniffing a rank fart at all times and any woman who has a crush on him should be beaten senseless by her boyfriend for being such a dumb b***h with no personality
MagnusBane's girlfriend fucked Christian Bale while they were together. And he is not over it yet.
how could you forget to include johnny depp?
ReplyThat is a good point, he really should be up there, but the implications might be too... uh... no. He played Edward Scissorhands and a necrophiliac in Corpse Bride. I'm not sure I want to know what the implications are there...
On a different note, what does that say if my girlfriend is obsessed with Kevin Smith?
you could just take what they wrote about Taye Diggs and switch the name and the pic to Johnny Depp. My hubby has learned to accept my Johnny Depp and James Dean crushes.
I don't care, Adrien Brody is hot.
ReplyHe converted me from Crispin Glover, and that's saying a lot.
Christian Bale before we knew he was a douche, oh hell yeah!
Reply(Side note: they were filming that Dillinger movie a couple towns over, the one with Bale and Johnny Depp, and everyone was swooning over Depp while I was like, Yeeesssss, you mob him and meanwhile I'll sneak around and ambush Bale. (I was horrifically tempted to make an awful Bale/bail joke, but I resisted. You're welcome.) )
Ahem...Christian Bale, anyone?
ReplyBATMAN!
Johnny Depp!!!!
Reply