What Your Girlfriend's Hollywood Crush Says About You

So, you're in a happily committed relationship, right? And you're certain that your girlfriend is really into you, right?

Or maybe-just maybe-you're not that certain. Luckily, you can tell a lot about a girl by her movie star crushes. "My girlfriend doesn't have one of those," you might be saying. Uh huh. Just for fun, go take a look through her DVD collection. Do you notice how there are eight films starring James Spader? Connect the dots, dude.

Below, we've provided a handy list of Hollywood studs; why your lady fantasizing about them is a blessing in disguise; and why it might not be, either.

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Jude Law

Why It Bodes Well
Apparently hairlines are no longer a prerequisite for your girlfriend' affection. This is definitely a good sign for any man who' woken up next to a clump of his own hair. Also, he' notorious for having cheated on his wife.

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Why You're Screwed
Okay, so you've got balding covered. Now you just have to get hot, rich, famous and British-and how hard can that be?

Oh. That hard? Shit. Plus, the fact that he' a cheater probably makes your girlfriend realize that she'd have a shot at a one-night stand with him. Double shit.

Colin Farrell

Why It Bodes Well
If she admits that she likes Colin Farrell, she' pretty much admitting that it' okay to get really drunk and throw a phone at her.

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Why You're Screwed
We've actually looked into this and no-no, she really isn't admitting that at all.

Orlando Bloom

Why It Bodes Well
He' noted for playing roles as swashbuckling heroes in film franchises like The Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean, which we're pretty sure serves as tacit approval of you skipping out on your anniversary dinner to play World of Warcraft. Plus, what' hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage in Dungeons & Dragons?

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Why You're Screwed
Um, just about everything' hotter than your 11th level Druid Mage in Dungeons & Dragons. Also, even you have to admit that you'll never be quite as attractive as Orlando. It' best if, every time he pops on screen, you just point out that he' prettier than your girlfriend and let jealousy do its thing.

Jake Gyllenhaal and/or Heath Ledger

Why It Bodes Well
They starred in Brokeback Mountain, which pretty much makes them gay, doesn't it?

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Why You're Screwed
Whoops. Nope, it doesn't make them gay at all. It just makes you insensitive and homophobic for thinking it. And now you're probably going to have to make out with some dude just to prove that you're not. On a happier note, this can now be your excuse if your girlfriend catches you making out with some dude.

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George Clooney

Why It Bodes Well
He' getting up there in years, and as Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson have proven in recent years, a few too many years as a Hollywood heartthrob makes a man snap like a slice of dry toast.

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Why You're Screwed
He actually seems to have his shit together, so it seems unlikely that he'll be jumping on couches or ranting about how much he hates Jews. But still, fingers crossed!

Adrien Brody

Why It Bodes Well
Seriously, Adrien Brody? He looks like Paul Reubens if you broke his nose a couple of dozen times. Honestly now, can you really say you're not hotter than Adrien Brody? If not, are you honestly certain you have a girlfriend?

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Why You're Screwed
He' rich, famous and talented, and your girlfriend will insist that he' "interesting-looking." And this is all true. But still, Adrien fucking Brody?

Matthew McConaughey

Why It Bodes Well
Having a crush on a man composed entirely of bong resin probably means getting stoned every day is A-OK in your girlfriend' book. Plus, doesn't he sound just a little bit stupid and redneckish? You could take him if it came to it. At bar trivia.

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Why You're Screwed
In spite of his hemp poncho-and-bongos appearance, he actually seems pretty intelligent, which makes you and your dropped-out-of-community-college-to-smoke-pot life seem almost inadequate somehow.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Why It Bodes Well
He' apparently fallen into the habit-popularized by Benicio Del Toro-of looking a little bit more like a toad every day. By the time he' 35, he'll have his own wild ride at Disneyland.

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Why You're Screwed
If you squint really hard, he still looks like the guy from Titanic, which-as anyone knows-is a powerful industrial-strength lubricant specifically designed to open squeaky, rusty, clamped-shut thighs.

James Dean

Why It Bodes Well
From one end of the spectrum to the other, James Dean is dead. And not even still-warm dead. We're talking lonnnnng dead.

Why You're Screwed
Because he died young, he'll never follow the same downward spiral faced by such former heartthrobs as Marlon Brando and Harrison Ford. Oh, and you. You're getting a little soft around the edges there, fatty.

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Tobey Maguire

Why It Bodes Well
There' no nice way to put this: the guy' kind of a nerd. And if your girlfriend' into nerds"¦ well, there' no nice way to put this: you're also kind of a nerd.

Why You're Screwed
He' exactly the kind of Nerdy Nice Guy your girlfriend always said she wanted to date before she went through her Bad Boy phase. You know, that phase she had right up until she met you, where she slept with a couple of dozen junkies before "settling down with a nice guy" (read: stopped having awesomely freaky dirty sex).

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Brad Pitt

Why It Bodes Well
He' sleeping with Angelina Jolie, which according to the Hepatitis-O-Meter, makes him a prime candidate for all kinds of STDs.

Why You're Screwed
Most STDs are curable these days, and the ones that aren't can be dealt with by ignoring them. At least, according to your slutty girlfriend they can. Really, what do you see in her?

Taye Diggs

Why It Bodes Well
Sure, he' attractive, well built and has no real known character flaws. And yeah, maybe he' rich and famous. I suppose all of that' alright if you're into that sort of thing.

Why You're Screwed
Face it, you're pretty much screwed.

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