ACTOR: Denzel Washington
FILM: Training Day
"I see how it is, I play a dignified black man my entire career: a noble boxer fighting for justice, an accomplished general in the Persian Gulf, a well spoken prosecutor in Philadelphia, and for all of that I get shit. Everyone' like, "You know, I just didn't find his performance believable." But in Training Day I act all niggerish and say "mawfuckah" and shoot people, and all of a sudden you're all standing up yelling, "Bravo! Now that' how you portray a negro. It' just so much more believable when he mispronounces his words!"
Go ahead and boo me. Probably expected me to get up here, put my Oscar on a gold chain around my neck and recite the first verse of "Momma Said Knock You Out," but you know what? I'm not compromising my integrity for a little golden eunuch. Fuck all of you. Especially Cuba Gooding Jr., you walking minstrel show. I swear to God, I'm even considering doing another one of those preachy Spike Lee movies that no one can ever sit through."
ACTOR: Tom Hanks
"You know, ignorance occurs when people are too afraid to talk about a subject. Well, if this little golden statue has earned me anything, I'd like to think it earned me the courage to talk about something that most people in Hollywood are too afraid to discuss- something that I never would have thought to talk about before this film.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am NOT fucking gay. I think gay sex is disgusting. Once when I was 17, I tried to think about it while I was jerking off and went limp-like immediately.
I fuck my wife every night. Hard. Honey, on a scale of one to 10, how hard do I fuck you? No, they can't hear you, honey; show of fingers.
That's a seven, people, and if you read lips you know she said a "solid seven."
Speaking of manly-ass hetero shit, you should have seen how me and Denzel got down on the ladies in Philly. Let's just say we planted some vanilla chocolate swirl...(singing) on the streets of Philadelphia...nah nah nah nah nah.
That's right, I'm talking about my seed...big up, 'Zel!
Look, the fact is I jumped around on a giant piano a couple years ago and practically won one of these. I don't need this. I could just play a retard like Day Lewis in '88 or do a ridiculous Southern accent like Pacino last year. Better yet, I'll play a Southern retard! I think I even have a script like that, Forrest something or other. Guess I'll be seeing you next year. Hanks Audie 5000, bitches!"
ACTOR: Al Pacino
FILM: Scent of a Woman
"I played a gay bank robber with understated desperation in Dog Day Afternoon and the quietly intense Michael Corleone in The Godfather. And for those, you pass me over. Then, I do a meth-fueled Yosemite Sam impression for a couple of weeks instead of acting. I scream "sassafrass" and "hooo-waaaah" and you give me an Oscar?
For Christ's sake, at one point during filming I was so fucked up on gin and Ritalin that I screamed "servin' jalapeno dip to the apple seeds," and they actually put it in the movie. Go back and watch it, I swear it' in there. Why is that believable? The character' not deaf, he' fucking blind. Being blind doesn't make you scream like a lunatic.
So, in order to punish you, I'm going to play this exact same character for the rest of my life. That' right, don't matter if I'm playing a New York attorney or Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Part 3, I'm gonna run around screamin' in an absuuud Cajun accent. See, I'm already doin' it. It' GREAT ain't it?
I've got a GREAT accent, and you've got your head ALL THE WAY UP IT, SWIRLIN' AROUND LIKE YOU GOT A HAYRIDE ON YO' POOPIE PANTS! I'M GONNA PUT MY SEED ALL OVER THE JUKEBOX FO' THE CHURCHFOLK! HOOO-WAAAH! HALLELUJAH! THE DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE ACADEMY CAN SUCK M-"
(Speech cut short when Pacino' agent Tasers him)