It is often assumed that the Oscar acceptance speeches we see on TV are delivered spur of the moment, based on the winner' surprise and excitement. However, the truth is acceptance speeches are vetted by agents, publicists and studios until they are the well-rehearsed benchmarks of feigned shock and gratitude we'll see on Sunday night. CRACKED got our hands on the original transcripts of the acceptance speeches some very famous actors wanted to give before their agents convinced them to tone it down a bit.ACTOR:
Denzel WashingtonFILM: Training DayYEAR:
"I see how it is, I play a dignified black man my entire career: a noble boxer fighting for justice, an accomplished general in the Persian Gulf, a well spoken prosecutor in
, and for all of that I get shit. Everyone' like, "You know, I just didn't find his performance believable." But in Training Day
I act all niggerish and say "mawfuckah" and shoot people, and all of a sudden you're all standing up yelling, "Bravo! Now that' how you portray a negro. It' just so much more believable when he mispronounces his words!"
Go ahead and boo me. Probably expected me to get up here, put my Oscar on a gold chain around my neck and recite the first verse of "Momma Said Knock You Out," but you know what? I'm not compromising my integrity for a little golden eunuch. Fuck all of you. Especially Cuba Gooding Jr., you walking minstrel show. I swear to God, I'm even considering doing another one of those preachy Spike Lee movies that no one can ever sit through."
Tom HanksFILM: PhiladelphiaYEAR:
"You know, ignorance occurs when people are too afraid to talk about a subject. Well, if this little golden statue has earned me anything, I'd like to think it earned me the courage to talk about something that most people in Hollywood are too afraid to discuss- something that I never would have thought to talk about before this film.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am NOT fucking gay. I think gay sex is disgusting. Once when I was 17, I tried to think about it while I was jerking off and went limp-like immediately.
I fuck my wife every night. Hard. Honey, on a scale of one to 10, how hard do I fuck you? No, they can't hear you, honey; show of fingers.
That's a seven, people, and if you read lips you know she said a "solid seven."
Speaking of manly-ass hetero shit, you should have seen how me and Denzel got down on the ladies in Philly. Let's just say we planted some vanilla chocolate swirl...(singing) on the streets of Philadelphia...nah nah nah nah nah.
That's right, I'm talking about my seed...big up, 'Zel!
Look, the fact is I jumped around on a giant piano a couple years ago and practically won one of these. I don't need this. I could just play a retard like Day Lewis in '88 or do a ridiculous Southern accent like Pacino last year. Better yet, I'll play a Southern retard! I think I even have a script like that, Forrest