Jessica-Off! Who's the Hottest Jessica?

 

Some names are sexy; some aren't. "Marv," for example, calls to mind the image of an old man in torn underwear chewing on a cold hot dog in front of Matlock reruns.

On the other hand, a name like "Jessica" indelibly calls to mind the image of a woman, probably large-breased, in her underwear, who's 70,000 times hotter than poor Marv. So many nubile, perfectly formed celebrity Jessicas have roamed the Earth-who's truly the hottest? Fear not-we use scientific-ish research to answer the question once and for all. (Apologies in advance to all you Jessica Fletcher-loving Murder, She Wrote fans out there.)

THE NOT-SO-INNOCENT-ANYMORE JESSICA: JESSICA BIEL

After rising to fame as the wholesome Mary Camden on 7th Heaven, Jessica Biel shocked the show's fans (all virgins, incidentally) by posing topless for Gear Magazine at the tender age of 17. Since then, the adult, shirt-shirking Biel has riveted audiences with performances in, um -- well, if you combine Stealth, Elizabethtown and Summer Catch, that's equal to like one real movie, right?

To be fair, Biel has starred in a few critically adored flicks too, often with her shirt on. She always brings levity, wit, and a fantastic chest/ass combo to her roles. For example, critics overwhelmingly agreed that in last year's The Illusionist, her breasts looked significantly perkier than Paul Giamatti's, which sparked considerable controversy at the time.

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 4 Baby Jessicas

 

THE CARTOONISHLY LARGE-BREASTED JESSICA: JESSICA RABBIT

When the folks at Amblin Entertainment designed this freakishly endowed redhead, they likely thought that they were creating a woman of such caricatured proportions that men would find her more comical than attractive-proving definitively that Amblin Entertainment employees work remotely from a distant solar system and don't understand what "men" are.

Despite their intentions, what they did create was a woman who proudly ushered in the phenomenon of men masturbating to cartoon characters. Congratulations, Amblin-you've made perverts of us all. (And while we're at it, why'd you have to go and make E.T. so sexy, too?)

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas

 

THE BLONDE MONGOLOID JESSICA: JESSICA SIMPSON

If nothing else, Jessica Simpson should be applauded for restoring men's faith in the stereotype that the most attractive women are blonde with huge tits and the mental capacity of a raccoon. Another reason to applaud is that her simple, underdeveloped central nervous system is, much like a raccoon, confused easily by loud noises: Loud clapping will disorient and frighten her, making it easier to trick her into thinking you're a talented musician-the only possible explanation for the fact that she voluntarily had had sex with Nick Lachey.

SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 2.5 Baby Jessicas

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