Jessica-Off! Who's the Hottest Jessica?
Some names are sexy; some aren't. "Marv," for example, calls to mind the image of an old man in torn underwear chewing on a cold hot dog in front of Matlock reruns.
On the other hand, a name like "Jessica" indelibly calls to mind the image of a woman, probably large-breased, in her underwear, who's 70,000 times hotter than poor Marv. So many nubile, perfectly formed celebrity Jessicas have roamed the Earth-who's truly the hottest? Fear not-we use scientific-ish research to answer the question once and for all. (Apologies in advance to all you Jessica Fletcher-loving Murder, She Wrote fans out there.)
THE NOT-SO-INNOCENT-ANYMORE JESSICA: JESSICA BIEL
After rising to fame as the wholesome Mary Camden on 7th Heaven, Jessica Biel shocked the show's fans (all virgins, incidentally) by posing topless for Gear Magazine at the tender age of 17. Since then, the adult, shirt-shirking Biel has riveted audiences with performances in, um -- well, if you combine Stealth, Elizabethtown and Summer Catch, that's equal to like one real movie, right?
To be fair, Biel has starred in a few critically adored flicks too, often with her shirt on. She always brings levity, wit, and a fantastic chest/ass combo to her roles. For example, critics overwhelmingly agreed that in last year's The Illusionist, her breasts looked significantly perkier than Paul Giamatti's, which sparked considerable controversy at the time.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 4 Baby Jessicas
THE CARTOONISHLY LARGE-BREASTED JESSICA: JESSICA RABBIT
When the folks at Amblin Entertainment designed this freakishly endowed redhead, they likely thought that they were creating a woman of such caricatured proportions that men would find her more comical than attractive-proving definitively that Amblin Entertainment employees work remotely from a distant solar system and don't understand what "men" are.
Despite their intentions, what they did create was a woman who proudly ushered in the phenomenon of men masturbating to cartoon characters. Congratulations, Amblin-you've made perverts of us all. (And while we're at it, why'd you have to go and make E.T. so sexy, too?)
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas
THE BLONDE MONGOLOID JESSICA: JESSICA SIMPSON
If nothing else, Jessica Simpson should be applauded for restoring men's faith in the stereotype that the most attractive women are blonde with huge tits and the mental capacity of a raccoon. Another reason to applaud is that her simple, underdeveloped central nervous system is, much like a raccoon, confused easily by loud noises: Loud clapping will disorient and frighten her, making it easier to trick her into thinking you're a talented musician-the only possible explanation for the fact that she voluntarily had had sex with Nick Lachey.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 2.5 Baby Jessicas
Uh... I couldn't help but notice I'm not on this list. Recount?
ReplyJessica Alba was the right choice. I picked her as soon as I read the title of the article.
ReplyBiels the hottest, but as a saved by the bell kid I'd want jessie Spano the most. besides she turned down Stansbury.
ReplyBiel's my favourite...
ReplyI think they're all hot, personally. Well, not Spano.
ReplyIM SO EXCITED! IM SO EXCITED!
Jessica Alba wins. I can tell because I'm a girl and I'm jealous of her.
ReplyJessica Beil hands down. She can't act but she's so pretty, and she has a black girls ass.
ReplyYou haven't met many black girls, have you?
Jessica Lange is the hottest. Jessica Alba is so goddamn overrated.
ReplyJessica Alba...fuck me she's hot, jessica biel aint too bad either..chuck n larry had her in skimpy lingerie and playing around with her panties n bra...fucking awesome..adam sandler got to touch those boobs...fucking lucky asshole....!
Replyyou need to stop.. sugarcupid is a bad site asking women to seek rich daddies!
Replyyou need to stop.. sugarcupid is a bad site asking women to seek rich daddies!
Replyhellyes[UN]jessica alba? I'd hit that.
ReplyFlash[UN]Thats Vivien Leigh in streetcar named desire you goombah.
ReplyJessica Simpson should be applauded for restoring men's faith in the stereotype. I found many interesting videos and games, music there. Also I made many humorous friends.
ReplyJessica Simpson rode the short bus to school. All 25 years of it.
ReplyAlex, you're a tool. Ok so Oprah is hot everyone that watches TV and reads magazines. She's the hottest thing around, the new masterbation source. "Oh snap, i think he's right!" - goes to go get US Weekly to jam out one for Oprah. You're attracted to what is hot to the actual person, and simpson seems to be high on the agenda. But see there's people like her sister, and avril that are disgusting to me but for some reasons douches like yourself think she's hot.
ReplyOnly a retard would reply to a 3 year old comment.
ajnrules[UN]Tandy was the original Blanche DuBois when Streetcar was still a stage play. They cast Vivien Leigh in the film adaptation because Leigh was a much bigger name than Tandy.
Reply007[UN]Jessica Tandy wasn't in Streetcar Named Desire. That was Vivien Leigh
Replydrake[UN]lay off teasing liz berkley-shes a talented intelligent freedom fighter and yes , i AM a straight male.
ReplyGudvin,Gudvin[UN]Hello, my name is Gudvin, I like yours blog.,Hello, my name is Gudvin, I like yours blog.
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