THE BRAINY JESSICA: JESSICA SPANO
There was a lot of debate as to whether or not to include a fictional Jessica, but once the decision to include Ms. Rabbit was made, we knew Spano had to follow. After all, if you're going to include a cartoon character, then you've got to be able to include one from Saved by the Bell (the show was originally aired during Saturday morning cartoons, which is appropriate given the level of subtext going on at Bay Side).
While all of the actors who played the six best friends in the show are irrevocably linked to the characters they played, only Jessie Spano would go on to take a role that required her to fuck some guy in a pool like she was an electrocuting otter. To a generation raised on Saved by the Bell, Showgirls was a cultural happening precisely because that was the smart, goodie-two-shoed, sort- of-stuck-up (but brainy and probably hot if she didn't wear those high hipped pants) Jessie Spano, showing us a side only hinted at in the episode in which she takes a bunch of speed.
While we're not saying she is as physically attractive as the rest of the girls on this list, following "the pool scene" Jessie forever became that elusive boyhood dream: The smart, reserved girl who becomes a nymphomaniac lunatic when you get her behind closed doors.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas
THE IMMIGRANT JESSICA: JESSICA ALBA
The star of this summer's smash hit Fantastic Four: Hey, Jessica Alba's Wearing Spandex Again, the half-Mexican Alba became a household name when she landed the lead role in James Cameron's short-lived sci-fi series, Dark Angel. She landed the role after Cameron saw her mastery of Stanislavski's acting method. (Just kidding-it was on account of the rack.)
But this 26-year-old beauty isn't just a one-trick pony (this hypothetical pony's one trick being that most men would like to have sex with it). She's also played roles ranging from genetically perfect women in bikinis (Into the Blue) to genetically perfect strippers in leather chaps (Sin City) to genetically perfect choreographers in sports bras (Honey). That's called range, America.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 4.5 Baby Jessicas
Based on the photo evidence and the carefully tabulated scientific-ish ratings system, Jessica Alba takes home the bacon. (The bacon, of course, being an arbitrary online victory that she'll never know about.) Congratulations, Jessica! It turns out we want to bone you! You, above all others!