THE BLONDE MONGOLOID JESSICA: JESSICA SIMPSON
If nothing else, Jessica Simpson should be applauded for restoring men's faith in the stereotype that the most attractive women are blonde with huge tits and the mental capacity of a raccoon. Another reason to applaud is that her simple, underdeveloped central nervous system is, much like a raccoon, confused easily by loud noises: Loud clapping will disorient and frighten her, making it easier to trick her into thinking you're a talented musician-the only possible explanation for the fact that she voluntarily had had sex with Nick Lachey.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 2.5 Baby Jessicas
THE MILF JESSICA: JESSICA LANGE
You know when you go over to your friend's house and you see a 30-year-old picture of his mom, and you frantically grab the dish soap and break into a dead sprint for the upstairs bathroom? Well, that's exactly what happens when you Google Jessica Lange and realize that she didn't become the vaguely hot mature woman she is today by not being hot when she was younger.
After playing the frequently almost-nude leading lady in 1976's King Kong, Lange spent the next decade filling the roles that ladies like Biel do today (or rather, the costumes that their T&A fill today). What sets her apart, though, is that she's won two Oscars for her acting, an honor almost as prestigious as the 3.5 Baby Jessicas we're awarding her here for being hot.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas
THE LOST TO HISTORY JESSICA: JESSICA TANDY
Most still-living people remember this Jessica for her performances as that elderly woman Morgan Freeman came close to banging in Driving Miss Daisy or that elderly woman Kathy Bates came close to banging in Fried Green Tomatoes. But according to cave paintings that archeologists have dated to the time of her youth and this photograph of her playing Blanche Dubois opposite Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, Tandy was among the most beautiful Jessicas to ever roam the Earth.
Unfortunately for Tandy and historically minded perverts everywhere, she did not play the role of Blanche in the film version of Streetcar , presumably of the opinion that talkies were a passing fad. By the time she got around to being a movie star in The Birds (yes, she played elderly women even back in 1963), she was just an old woman that you could tell was probably very attractive 30 years ago. So say what you will about the other women on this list's comparative hotness-at least our grandkids will be able to check out the Criterion Collection DVD of Stealth, and know why grandpa has BIEL LUVR tattooed on his knuckles.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas