Nostalgic T-Shirts for Real Americans

Along with molestation chat rooms and Brokeback Mountain parodies, one of the Internet's finest achievements is the selling of nostalgic T-shirts. We all know the type-vintage-looking tees that recall places, brands and events from our childhoods in the 80s and 90s. But if you're like us, not every moment of growing up was all that great.

Lucky for you, we've got nostalgic vintage-style T-shirts for the real grown-up children of America!


Fruit Loops? Maybe for Donald Trump, Jr. The only thing a lot of regular kids' parents would shell out dough for was Total Raisin Bran, whose complete supply of vitamins and minerals never quite made up for the fact that it tasted like-and made your stool resemble-dirty plywood.



The 80s weren't very "rad" for that kid in your science class with Muscular Dystrophy. Those vintage Alf T-shirts are funny and all, but the main thing he remembers from his youth is the disease that crippled his still-developing bones, muscles and will to interact with peers.




Remember when you learned that Santa wasn't real? For a lot of us, it was when dad drank too much egg nog, scared mommy off to grandma's house with a bike chain and gave you a brick for Christmas. He also probably gave it to you in the face.



Like having a crush on Saved by the Bell's Kelly Kapowski or playing Double Dragon with your friends, getting caught fucking a piñata happened to a lot of kids in the 80s. It was actually more common than you would think and makes for a zany memory and an even zanier vintage-style T-shirt.




Say, how about the wave of nostalgia for games like Twister, dodgeball and kickball? Well, a lot of us don't want to remember those games. Why? Because we were picked last in gym and promptly hit in the face with a big red ball (two in Twister).



If you're like us, than your parents enjoyed a little gin with lunch. So when mommy had an "oopsie" on the way to Sears for a hatchet and some pantyhose, you got to make up fun stories about "Mexicans speeding" or " evading the Jews trying to rape you." Remember that? Those were the days.



Like fucking a piñata, experimenting with homosexuality is something that a lot of boys and girls tried when they were younger, even up to the age of 19. Hey-we probably all did it at one time or another, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it doesn't mean you're gay. Ha Ha.



Remember when mommy would get really angry with daddy for taking Sharon from the OTB bowling and slug him in the mouth? Who doesn't have a story like that, huh?



Naturally, dad would need to blow off some steam, so he'd take you over to Denny's, split an order of onion rings with you and then punch you in the jaw 17 or 18 times out in the parking lot. It was kind of like your little tradition.



Of course wailing on you in the Denny's parking lot wasn't enough to satisfy him, and he would buy a sack of monkeys on the black market, set 'em loose in the back yard and shoot 'em dead with a high-powered rifle. Oh man, the 80s were something else!



Well, you thought right-the new puppy just died because dad thought it was a monkey and shot it in the face with a rifle. And that's a moment that is hilariously and ironically immortalized in this adorable albeit gory vintage-style T-shirt.



Eventually, your dad would bury the puppy and make up with mommy, and they'd have a few Gin and hose-waters and go upstairs. We've probably all walked in on our parents at one time or another, ultimately leading to a talk about how babies are conceived and how grown-ups sometimes play a game called "Suck Me, I'm Stan Humphries."



After "Stan Humphries" "scored a touchdown," Mom and Dad would always come downstairs, fire up the hose and put on their Color Me Badd cassingle (hey-remember cassingles??). It was great to share something as a family, and like the rest of these nostalgic vintage-style T-shirts, it's fun to look back on something silly from your childhood and have a laugh.





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