For some, sleep comes easily. However, for the rest of us going to bed can be a long, unnecessarily drawn-out affair. Luckily, years of field research on my part have led to the discovery of a sure-fire insomnia cure, which I intend to share with you now.
When combating insomnia, be prepared. I have an emergency list of items that I keep on hand for the eventuality that sleep will not come easily, and I suggest you do as well. Be sure to stock up on the following items:
- Six Old Milwaukee Tall Boys
Step One: Drinking Six Old Milwaukee Tall Boys
The first step is an obvious one: get the contents of six Old Milwaukee Tall Boys into your stomach as quickly as possible. Not only is this the obvious step, it's actually the only step, so make sure you put the time in. Six Tall Boys averages out to just under three liters of foul-tasting malty lager, and this is a definite perk for your purposes, since you're going to want to drink them quickly and not dwell on the taste. To pass the time, arrange some entertaining activities for yourself in the twenty minutes allotted to drink the Tall Boys (i.e.: watching television, listening to your favorite band, drinking).
I personally enjoy laying down on my bed and reading something boring while I drink; the one-two punch of dull reading material and concussive amounts of alcohol make the bed a perfect choice in the event that I slip suddenly into unconsciousness. Some might be uncomfortable with attempting to down such a large amount of liquid in a reclined position; where you stand on this issue usually rests upon how nice the clothes you're wearing are, and how much you care for them.
In my case, the answer was "not very," but I allow that some of you might spend lots of money on clothes. It would also be wise not to light any naked flames (such as candles, funeral pyres, what-have-you), as the goal here is to slip into a form of coma, and you don't want anything that could be dangerous if left unattended.[subtitle]How To Tell If You've Used Your Tall Boys Properly[/subtitle]
By the twenty-minute mark, you should have made it through five of your six Tall Boys. You should also, at this point, be fucking drunk. A test you can give yourself that I approve of is to sing along with whatever song happens to be on the radio. Listen to how your voice sounds as you do this. (This is not actually important to the test, but it never hurts to be attentive).
When you've finished, ask yourself: "God Jesus, did I just sing along to a Jewel song?" If you did, then yes, you're fucking drunk. While employing this method last night, for example, my radio was tuned to a classic rock station, and the song happened to be "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake. I was midway through shouting a particularly rousing falsetto chorus at my toilet bowl while urinating- one of my many targets at the time being the toilet bowl itself- when it occurred to me how thoroughly drunk and, yes, tired I was getting.
NOTE: Though Whitesnake songs are of course recommended when determining how drunk you've gotten, the works of Foreigner and Van Halen can be substituted as necessary.