When you've finished, ask yourself: "God Jesus, did I just sing
along to a Jewel song?" If you did, then yes, you're fucking
drunk. While employing this method last night, for example, my radio was
tuned to a classic rock station, and the song happened to be "Here
I Go Again" by Whitesnake. I was midway through shouting a particularly
rousing falsetto chorus at my toilet bowl while urinating- one of
my many targets at the time being the toilet bowl itself- when it
occurred to me how thoroughly drunk and, yes, tired I was getting.
NOTE: Though Whitesnake songs are of course recommended
when determining how drunk you've gotten, the works of Foreigner and Van
Halen can be substituted as necessary.
Entering Into a Coma
over two liters of thoroughly unpleasant Wisconsonite lager sloshing around
inside you, you're going to be feeling boisterous and confident, in no
small part because you were successful in drinking it. Cautiously avoid
any temptation to give friends a call or go out for more drinks in a pub
or dance club. Firstly, you won't be sleeping, which was, you may dimly
recall at this point, the entire point of this exercise. Secondly, you're
quite drunk. Play it safe, and work under the assumption that nobody you
know will want to discourse with someone drunk enough to sing Jewel lyrics
about how her feelings are like moonlight. If you do have friends willing
to do this, contemplate finding new friends. In any event, call no one.
Go nowhere. Say, aren't you getting tired?
Crack open your final Tall Boy. If you weren't in bed before, get into
bed now. If you were in bed before, maintain this position. Drink the
Tall Boy, but more slowly than the others. The last thing you'll want
to do at this point is knock back something as foul as Old Milwaukee quickly;
this might irritate your already upset stomach further and make for an
impromptu trip to the bathroom, ruining the entire exercise.
Sip your Tall Boy casually. Try reading. Are you having trouble focusing
on the page? Does reading a sentence send you off on a mangled tangent
of thought for five minutes? Most importantly, are your eyes getting heavy?
Continue sipping your Tall Boy and reading until you can answer a confident
and slurred "yes" to all of the above questions.
Blacking Out Properly
last part requires precise timing. If you go to bed before you've been
completely engulfed in the results of your hard work-an alcohol
blackout resulting in total brain shutdown-you'll have to start
all over again. Worse still, if you stay up past the point where you find
yourself at your most exhausted, you run the risk of your body releasing
endorphins to wake you back up again. To test yourself, conjure up the
- Perhaps I'd enjoy Fall Out Boy more if I went to more of their live
shows. You know, really absorbed the Fall Out Boy Live Experience.
- I'd be a richer person spiritually if I were to check out some local
- I should devote more time helping out senior citizens in the community.
- Maybe I haven't given Jamie Kennedy's films enough of a chance.
If you agreed with any of these statements, your mind is at its most
susceptible, and therefore tired. Treat yourself, close your eyes, and
head off to a well-deserved sleep.
Sleeping purists might argue that what you've achieved here tonight isn't
"sleeping" at all, but rather an "Old Milwaukee-fueled
coma". To these nay-sayers, I merely roll my eyes and walk away.
The all-important result of this exercise was that, for the better part
of ten hours, you were completely unconscious. Only the most embittered
rhetoritician would question the success of what you've accomplished here
Sleep, my friend - you've deserved every dreamless minute.