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10 Best Places To Hang Out Once You've Lost Your Job

There are few places as fun to futz around in as your local pedophile playground or pornography warehouse, but the pressure of putting food on the table can often hinder this gratifying feeling of freedom. But thanks to the crumbling economy, more and more people have free time to look forward to, now that losing your job is as easy as blowing your entire paycheck on gas at the local Sunoco. Here are a few great places to chill out at once you no longer have a job (you lucky bastard).


10. The Library


You can often find a wide assortment of "free men" just like yourself bathing in the bathroom to get "that stink" out their clothes. The library is sweet if you don't mind the lack of prostitutes or gangster rap music.


9. College Campuses


Students, especially freshmen, will usually just fork over wads of cash so you stop looking at them and reminding them of what could happen if they skip physics again to watch paternity tests on Maury Povich.


8. At the Airport


This is a good place to pilfer wallets. When tourists become mesmerized by the big board that tells them when their plane' departing, yoink! Bye bye, wallet. Hello, boxed wine.


7. Park Benches


Park benches are no laughing matter when it comes to curling up in a fetal position and getting a good night' rest. What is a laughing matter, though, is the look on people' faces when they see you wrestling the birds for the bread they just threw. A man' gotta eat, dammit! A man' gotta eat!



6. In Back of Chinese Restaurants


Do you think the Wong family is gonna let all that delicious Moo goo gai pan go to waste by selling it at discount prices by the end of the day? No way! They're going to toss it in the trash out back. This is where you step in. With an empty tray you fought off another bum with your knife.


5. Train Bathrooms


If you want to get to Point A to P oint B without sucking off the conductor, the best way to do this is by rushing on board a train, then running into the nearest bathroom before you get asked for a ticket. Once the rattling door is locked, listen carefully for your stop. Sure, some surly business man might be upset that he has to "hold it" until he gets home. But hey, you're homeless. Would he rather you "hold it" in his best shoes?


4. Family Reunions


Always make sure that there are a lot of people there before you make your walk-on guest appearance. If the place is packed, open the fence and step right in. Hopefully there will be so many indistinguishable faces that nobody' really going to notice or care if there' one more body they can't quite put a finger on. There' usually a BBQ as well, so also make sure you're first in line when they start handing out the dogs. Don't ever get screwed when it comes to free food, that' the homeless man' creed!


3. Box Factories


Find your future mansion.


2. Red Light Districts


Hookers make good punching practice. Just make sure you get sucky sucky before you start getting all Ivan Drago on them.


1. Your Old Home


Nothing says new lock better than old brick through old window. When the new family' on vacation, make yourself at home. Hell, you earned it... at one point in your life. Just watch out for the new guard dog or Sloman Shield that might be on the door. Those two obstacles will fuck-you-up.
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