The posters for Nicholas Sparks movies all feature some guy grabbing a girl by the face and trying to make his eyes grow penises. Safe Haven ups the ante by assuming that people will pay to see a movie starring Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough, despite the fact that it is statistically more likely that Josh Duhamel will be struck in the face by a lightning bolt made of dinosaur ghosts. The trailer looks like something you'd be forced to watch on a muted hospital television while sharing a room with a homeless diabetic who'd fallen asleep behind a Starbucks and had his foot eaten by cats.
Escape from Planet Earth
Escape from Planet Earth stars Brendan Fraser's voice, because the actual sight of Brendan Fraser reminds people of a Twinkie that fell in a bathtub. The trailer promises at least one hijink and/or space-related pun per minute, while the undeniably wacky poster comes complete with an alien lizard crossing his arms in the universal sign for "Ain't gonna take no sass." It's the latest entry in the "bloated voice cast makes up for bad writing and animation" category of movies that stoutly refuse to learn anything from Shark Tale, and consequently it looks about as whimsically entertaining as a clown's funeral. Children would be more captivated if you made them watch C-SPAN with the theme from DuckTales playing on an endless loop.
Tom is wondering if people will even be able to see J.J. Abrams' new Star Wars movie through all of the lens flares off the light sabers. Read his novel Stitches and follow him on Twitter and Tumblr.