Working at a school has to be one of the most sanity-shattering jobs out there. Just sitting near one loud teenager on the city bus for 10 minutes is excruciating, so imagine what it must be like to have to be around 300 every day. But while most teachers deal with it by hitting up the lounge to celebrate Margarita Mondays and Let's Just Drink That Entire Bottle of Vodka Thursdays, others prefer to work out their frustration in creatively career-threatening ways, like ...

5
Tutor Fired for Having a Student Write an Essay on "How to Kill a Teacher"

A surefire technique for getting kids excited about English class is to let them write an essay about a topic they love. If you're a "cool" teacher, you might even suggest some totally edgy subject, like "Why Homework Blows" or "My 18-Hour Call of Duty Erection." That was presumably the basic idea a tutor in Austintown, Ohio, had when he told his student to write an essay entitled "5 Ways to Kill a Teacher."

Tetra Images - Rob Lewine/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
"Actually, a bear trap to the balls is survivable. Ten points off."

[inject-module]

Like a good student, the unnamed teen went ahead and did the assignment without pausing to question the logic, value, or sanity of it. Suggested methods for starting summer vacation early included poison and "a mouse," though it's unclear if it was a computer mouse being wielded as a makeshift flail and/or garrote or an actual flesh-hungry rodent. The student had the self-exonerating wherewithal to include the qualifying phrase "When I do this (if I do) ...," so the school should probably run a plagiarism check to make sure the whole thing wasn't cribbed from O.J. Simpson's book.

OJ Simpson
The Juice didn't think to blame a mouse.

No specific teachers were threatened, which scaled the issue back from "Call the police immediately" to a mere "What in the name of Teaching Mrs. Tingle were you thinking?" The tutor was of course fired, presumably in a creative essay called "How to Terminate an Incompetent Nimrod." The student was "completely cleared of any wrongdoing," although they presumably received zero credit for the essay.

4
A Principal and a Guidance Counselor Make Horror Erotica Films on the Side

When you're a kid, you never really think of your teachers having lives outside of school. You might have no idea they play in a jazz band, love pub trivia, or make erotic slasher films -- especially if they try to hide the last one behind pseudonyms. That was the strategy of the principal and a guidance counselor at Connecticut's Granby Memorial Middle School, whose awesomely named Moongoyle Entertainment produced a series of boner-fueled low-budget horror films featuring actors barely older than the students they were responsible for educating.

Moongoyle Entertainment
"Offer not valid Sunday through Thursday nights."

While there's certainly nothing illegal about making low-budget schlock in your off-hours, we can see how some parents might not be comfortable with their teenage daughter getting advice from a guidance counselor who films topless women getting their limbs chopped off and a principal whose file photo looks like a cutaway on Unsolved Mysteries.

Granby Public School
This looks exactly like someone who enjoys fresh blood, hot babes, and cool flicks.

Both men were temporarily suspended, after which the principal voluntarily stepped down, while the counselor later returned to work. Both also abandoned horror filmmaking (though it appears they're attempting to make a comedy under a new company name), to the disappointment of the "We Support Moongoyle" Facebook page (aka themselves) and a presumably large percentage of the school's male students. This might actually be for the best -- while the Moongoyle-produced Mind Morgue has a respectable 6.2 rating on IMDb, The Limb Collector comes in at 5.2 and then Demon of Castlebury has just 4.1. With that downward trend in quality, we can't imagine that Tobacco Jack, presumably scrapped now, would have lived up to Moongoyle standards.

3
School Board President Goes by "CrackrocKid" When Posting Racist Rants on YouTube

Pick a random co-worker, and odds are you can dig up something embarrassing they did on the Internet. Heck, one day the president will be some person who used to troll Halo forums under the name FuttBucker666. But while most of us outgrow that phase (or at least became better at hiding it), Fairfield, Pennsylvania, School Board President Brad Rigler apparently kind of just forgot that he posted over 100 YouTube videos as CrackrocKid -- boasting exactly the kind of racially sensitive insights you'd expect from someone who willingly picked that username.

Brad Rigler
What kind of monster would associate his brand with crack?!

As a prolific vlogger, CrackrocKid ranted about the evils of single parents and interracial relationships, exposed the Muslim con-man known as Barack HUSSEIN Obama, and named one of his videos "Not Sorry for Slavery." Don't worry, Rigler's not endorsing slavery -- he just refuses to apologize for it. After all, "If it were not for the institution of slavery, African Americans more than likely would not exist. At least the ones who we ... live amongst, work with, watch, and enjoy." We're not sure about the exact mechanics of Rigler's African American-enjoying method, but the feeling isn't mutual: outraged parents of all races protested at a school board meeting, where Rigler offered a standard "I'm sorry you were offended" non-apology before his fellow board members inexplicably decided not to dismiss him.

Barbara Miller
"I'd like to thank cannabisgary, ASSWRECKER, and Hitler_Was_Right for their support."

Keeping on a president who refused to disown his 4chan-level views didn't go over super well, though, and he resigned a couple weeks later. However, all of Rigler's videos have since been set to private (because they mean too much to him to be taken down completely), so potential future employers will be forced to Google the library of news articles about his unapologetic racism to find out what a douche he is.

2
School Board Member Suggests Students With Dietary Restrictions Should Be Shot

Joking about shooting children in a school is sort of like joking about suicide bombers while going through airport security: even if you've just thought of the greatest punchline in the world, nobody around you is going to enjoy it. If you need proof, observe the comedic stylings of Linda Grossmann, Michigan school board member, as she jokingly endorses the systematic extermination of children:

Grossmann, upon hearing that the food allergies of 20 kids at an elementary school were somewhat difficult to accommodate, hilariously suggested, "You should just shoot them." However, rather than the sobbing, hysterical laughter and thunderous applause she heard in her mind, her joke was greeted in the real world by a round of gasps and the type of bewildered half-chuckles that human beings make only when they want a situation to be over as fast as possible.

Clawson Public Schools
Even the dean from Community thought that was inappropriate.

She obviously wasn't seriously advocating for an ad hoc eugenics program, but parents weren't thrilled by the insinuation that it would be easier to shoot their kids in the face than keep track of which ones can't have dairy, and their resulting protests led to Grossmann stepping down. Sadly, she announced her resignation by letter, thereby missing out on a legitimate comedic opportunity to give a farewell speech loaded with her trademark zingers.

1
Teacher Fakes a Shooting Threat to Teach Bullies a Lesson

Of course, not all educators take school shootings with the same levity as the lady in the previous entry. Like Texas high school teacher Ricardo Sanchez, who decided that a shooting threat was the perfect opportunity to let all the bullies in his class know that if they don't cut it out with the wedgies and the wet willies, they will fucking die.

Tetra Images/Tetra images/Getty Images
"And stop blurring yourselves out to make other kids look like outcasts. That's just cruel."

It began when a student at Sanchez's school allegedly threatened to shoot an assistant principal. While the student was arrested before class began, Sanchez saw a chance to turn an averted tragedy into a learning opportunity -- he told students another gunman was still on the loose, then said, "If y'all have ever bullied somebody else, you're going to be the first ones to go," and, "If he comes in here and starts shooting, hopefully he'll be out of bullets by the time he finishes with y'all and sees me." Yep -- Sanchez literally told his students that he hoped the murderer emptied his weapon into their frightened, shrieking bodies so that Sanchez's life would be spared. The kicker is that Sanchez taught criminal justice, even though he clearly only believes in the kind of justice dispensed by the Punisher.

Rather than being sent into a deep reflection about their attitudes toward others, the kids focused on the "HOLY SHIT THERE'S A KILLER COMING" part, and 130 of them called their parents to come pick them up immediately. Sanchez was super-arrested for inciting a mass panic, and he was later fired for pretty much the same reason.

Hays County Sheriff's Office
At least he has a bright future writing country and/or hip hop lyrics.

Mark Hill works at a Mind Morgue. Read more from him at his website.

For more scholastic insanity, check out 6 Shockingly Evil Abuses of Power by School Officials and The 5 Biggest Pussifications of Schools.

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