4 Ways the '50 Shades of Grey' Film Is Worse Than You Expect

4

The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)

You'd think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there's no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There's a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn't like the script, and he starred in last year's Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes.

Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, "I really can't do this."

Universal Studios
"I just thought it."

3

The Male Lead Is So Boring, Nobody Wanted to Play Him

Christian Grey, the lead male character, is best described as an impossibly rich white man with a helicopter who "knows what he wants and gets it," which in this case is punishing sex with subservient women. So basically, he's a dick on a magic broom.

Universal Studios
"Do you have any interests outside of work?"
"No. That would suggest a fully formed character."

2

It's Confusing an Abusive Relationship With Bondage

Christian Grey is a "cold-hearted predator with a dungeon filled with toys," and it's heavily implied that his predilection for bondage sex is a result of a mental disorder. If you don't realize why that's a weird logline for a romantic drama being released on Valentine's Day, that same sentence could have been used to describe the titular character in Dexter. Fifty Shades of Grey preserves the long-held misconception that people who enjoy BDSM are mentally unstable in some way, which is simply not true.

Universal Studios
The people that actually paid for this book, on the other hand ...

1

It's Going to Water Down All the Sex

If The Dark Knight Rises made you say, "There's strangely little Batman in this Batman movie," Fifty Shades of Grey is going to absolutely stun people with how little of the novel's raunchy sex scenes made it into the film. Whereas the characters in the story smash their pelvises together as if the resulting friction will save them from the next ice age, the movie is only going to show a small fraction of that to secure a commercially viable R rating. When asked on Access Hollywood why they decided to go with "just an R," the movie's executive producer responded, "Yeah, yeah. But it's sexy and hot, so ..."

Universal Studios
"Honestly, it should be G for 'Game of Thrones will show more.'"

The last time Hollywood promised us a "sexy and hot" R-rated love scene, we got to watch Halle Berry have weepy sex with Billy Bob Thornton while a parakeet tried desperately to escape the scene. Basically, any and all sense of sexual liberation this book outlined for people will be replaced by the standard "naked butts thrusting together in amber lighting" the film industry is used to, only this time there will be handcuffs and blindfolds.

Universal Studios
It'll be 90 minutes of this shot and grunting noises.

Despite the fact that the only reason people cared about this series in the first place was because of the graphic sexual content, the producers of Fifty Shades of Grey are insisting that what really got everyone's attention was the boring, hackneyed love story that served as the excuse for all the trussed-up boner jams. This is going to be the Hindenburg of date movies, which almost makes it worth the price of a ticket.