So who the hell is writing this thing anyway? Well, Kelly Marcel first adapted the novel into a screenplay, but her draft apparently wasn't quite right for the studio, so they called in Mark Bomback to clean it up. Bomback's recent writing credits include The Wolverine, the remake of Total Recall, and Live Free or Die Hard -- movies universally considered to contain some of the shittiest writing this generation of filmmakers has yet produced.
Considering some of the lines from the original book, we can't imagine what sorcery they expected that man to perform to make the film's dialogue sound any less ridiculous:
"Why is anyone the way they are? That's kind of hard to answer. Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?"
"My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
We're not sure if that line is worse if uttered during a literal dance or a sexual one.
At one point, the female lead, Anastasia Steele, is tied to a bed and admires the handiwork of the knots, because that's something a normal person does.
"Some boy scout he must have been to learn these knots."
We suddenly totally understand why Charlie Hunnam, after already being hired for the movie, walked out after finally reading the script.