4 Oddly Specific Scenes the New Spider-Man Is Recycling

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Spider-Man Fights a Hulking Dude in an Armored Truck

If there's one thing the original trilogy did well, it was generating situations where infuriated science experiments pummeled hapless bank security guards like they were crash test dummies. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 promises all of that, plus the shit you saw in Spider-Man 3.

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Sony's plan, Sony's plan: Repeat shit so Marvel can't.
Look out, here comes the rehash faaaaaannns!

Trucks! Specifically, an armored truck being towed by the new character Rhino, who just happens to be a wayward science experiment from the comics -- not unlike Sandman, who pretty much did the exact same thing back in 2007.

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And this part was just a ripoff of Estelle Getty's brilliant stunt work in 1992's Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Now all we need is for one of these things to transform, and we can have our giant imposing villain and armored vehicle beatdown that these films so desperately want to include for some reason.

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Never mind.

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There Will Be an Abandoned Factory Brawl

In keeping with the theme of rehashed set pieces and villains, we're also apparently getting some sort of flying feud between Spidey and that Green Goblin fellow in what appears to be a burned down planetarium.

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Or just a less-functioning planetarium, depending on the time of day.

Can you imagine? The Green Goblin and Spider-Man in some big dilapidated showdown? Yes you can, actually -- because that's literally what happened in the first Spider-Man film.

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No word if the new guy dies by dick shot.

Not to mention that the big window-happy environment could have easily been adjacent to Doc Ock's place of residence in the second film, because there's nowhere more interesting to have superhumans fight than a quiet and badly lit warehouse with no dynamic obstacles.

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Apparently, in Spider-Man's New York, Detroit is a sixth borough.

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Police Cars Will Almost Squash People in the Exact Same Way

If reboots have any point at all, it's to take something familiar and visually reconfigure it in a manner that invigorates the fan base. Sure, it's all the same characters, but it's not like a dude who monkeys around New York fighting ridiculous robot goblins could get old, right? Not unless you just keep repeating the exact same action sequences over and over. (Counterpoint: Writing is hard.)

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"Sorry, Spider-Man. My partner just got excited by the Dunkin' Donuts."

That would be a CG cop car being flipped by some unseen villain right at a hapless observer, only to be saved at the last minute by Spider-Man. If it seems familiar to you, that's because it's almost an exact remake of a scene from Spider-Man 2. It's as if the trailer wants us to know that this is less a "reboot" than it is elaborate CGI karaoke.

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"No way! They led with the trunk, and we led with the top. Totally different."

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Peter Parker Will Be Late for Shit

The real triumph of the original films had to be the writers' keen ability to suffocate all of the drama around one man's failure to show up on time, despite being able to literally swing over traffic. From the first film's bus chase to Parker mismanaging his time with Mary Jane, lateness accounted for nearly 70 percent of the movies' conflict, thus making it the least interesting supervillain ever.

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"My cliche-sense is tingling ..."

The new trailer, which once again opens with Peter Parker apologizing to Gwen for his absence, assures us that, although we have watched three fucking movies devoted to a superhero bumbling dates worse than any Ben Stiller character, we're sure as shit going to endure even more of it. Because in a universe where a guy has the agility of a spider coupled with genius intellect, audiences really want to know how tardy all that great power makes him.