Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your favorite comedy writer. He first rose to prominence in 1984 when he was pulled on stage to dance during a Bruce Springsteen music video. He has since done many other things.
Screw you world. Screw you for making me pathetic enough to be here at eleven at night, but not pathetic enough to be here at ten. It's just the exact wrong amount of patheticness to have. A bit less and I start owning shoes with laces, and making friends again; a bit more and I start qualifying for government aid.
To get this scoop before everyone else, Cracked used all of its reporting ingenuity and resources -- a USB thumb drive and a monkey with some extremely questionable training -- to acquire a draft of the first chapter of Rowling's new novel.
According to the YouTube comments which accompanied the video, heavily laden WITH words capitalized for no OBVIOUS reason, this was clear proof that time travel had been invented, and that we were being monitored by people from the future at all times, probably even in the bathroom.
Cracked: Mr. Assange, we have not crossed any of your ground rules. Now calm down. A big part of your role is coordinating Wikileaks efforts with the conventional media, and I know you don't want to get a reputation as a big interview-baby.
Here at Cracked, perched atop our commitment to fabricated journalism like some kind of hilarious raven, we wondered if there was more to this whole nail polish thing. And, after a bit of fabrication, it turns out there was.
These tiny little blood-suckers which lurk in mattresses and bedding have been spotted in massive numbers in recent years, and if you aren't waking up every morning covered in swollen little bite marks, then frankly, you aren't shit.
There's a problem with NBC's formula: by basing a show around a single secret, interest will inevitably deflate and grow floppy once that secret is revealed.
Where are you? Ha! Well, that's hard to say specifically, and in any event, the answer is changing quite rapidly with every passing second. More generally, you are in the interior of an alien spacecraft.
Like most people who don't have any kids, I'm convinced that I could raise them better than most parents. With my intelligence, my strength, and my piercing gaze, I clearly have all the nurturing attributes necessary to bend any child to my will.
Because sticking it to the man is apparently the flavor of last week, it's high time for us to leap for this bandwagon, miss it, then get dragged behind it screaming for a short distance. We've assembled a list of ways to quit for what our Web statistics tell us are the 10 most common occupations held by our readers.
Having conducted extensive research on \'the scene\' using Cracked\'s library of breakdancing VHS cassettes, I began searching all the usual places for illicit dance blowouts.
Dr. Pepper\'s social media marketing campaign was running just dandy until a mother complained about a status update they posted on behalf of her 14 year old daughter: \'I watched 2 girls one cup and felt hungry afterwards.\'
Last week a picture popped up on the Internet celebrating the fact that July 5th, 2010 was the date in \'Back to the Future II\' when Marty McFly arrived from the ... we\'ll say \'present.\' Apparently this picture delighted everyone who saw it, because they began passing on the news to all their friends and families via Twitter and Facebook and Go
