15 Things I Regret Doing At Your Petting Zoo: An Apology

To the owners and staff of the Storybook Petting Zoo:

As per the agreement reached between us, please find attached a letter of apology for my role in "all that unpleasantness." As discussed, this letter will also be posted publicly on a major comedy website of my choosing. In light of my repeated inability to have any assets worth seizing, I trust that this settles the matter in full.

I am sorry about the things that I did as a seasonal worker while working at your petting zoo from May 2010 through late May 2010. I am not sorry for all of my actions, some being related to general job duties. My attendance those three weeks for example was exemplary -- I make no apologies for that, and indeed have boasted about it at some length in conversations since then. So, to clarify the exact nature and quantity of my sorriness, I have detailed my specific apology-warranting actions below.

I am sorry about punching your popular goat Fred. I have explained my actions before, but wish to make it clear in this record that Fred harassed and belittled me from the first day I started work at Storybook Petting Zoo, that management did nothing to address this hostile environment and that on the day of the punching, I was provoked by Fred.

What'd he do? He ran into me and knocked me over into a pile of his poop. Like it was high school or something. Real mature, Fred.

I am sorry about the multiple occasions I taught children about the food chain by arranging animals in order of physical size and then attempting to make the animals eat each other. This was scientifically inaccurate, generally unsuccessful and, when it was successful, deeply upsetting.

I am sorry about the single occasion on which I taught children about the food chain by arranging the children themselves in order of physical size. This was thankfully unsuccessful, though of course in poor taste.

I am sorry about using a "poor taste" reference in my apology about children feasting on each other. That was in ... that was just not on.

David Mackenzie GOAT Husbandry TRANSATLANTIC

I am sorry about the animal husbandry class I taught. I maintain that this learning experience was instrumental in reducing teen pregnancy rates in the community, and will point out that the class was, in many ways, beautiful.

I am sorry that I used Storybook Petting Zoo assets to create a low-stakes betting venue, where patrons could place wagers on children that had been instructed to ride around on animals in the "pig race" portion of the property. I am particularly sorry for misunderstanding the clientele that would be interested in betting on such competitions, and how they would interact with the children. No child should ever be told they "fucking suck at riding a fucking pig" in such a stark manner.

I am sorry about kicking Fred. I have no excuse for this, though I do have a reason: I just fucking hated that goat. I hated that goat's face. Mainly I'm sorry that you caught me.

I am sorry about "Axe Body Spray Day," in which I wore an enormous amount of Axe Body Spray and harassed young mothers. I am equally sorry about the "Hello, I'm Your New Daddy" name tag I wore that day.

I am sorry about using several animals while attempting to defraud a Wendy's. I will note that this was done exclusively after hours, resulted in no damage to Storybook Petting Zoo property and did result in some publicity for the zoo.

I am sorry for daring to claim that all publicity is good publicity. "Storybook Petting Zoo Implicated in Restaurant Bathroom Scandal" is an excellent counter-example.

I am sorry about the sex thing. This was regrettable, and as per our agreement, will not be discussed in detail here.

Without acknowledging any guilt, I am sorry about Fred's death.

I am sorry about the Fred sandwiches served in the Storybook Petting Zoo cafeteria. I will point out that as the patrons were never aware of this, and as no communicable illnesses were spread, there was no reason to freak out like you did. Any loss of business or fines suffered thus stem from your decision to inform the public health authorities. The only thing I am specifically sorry about is the dryness of Fred -- a mayonnaise, or perhaps even a mint sauce, would have been fantastic, and an oversight that I am solely responsible for. This will haunt me the rest of my days.

I am sorry about the events that took place on May 23, 2010. Although many of the triggering factors (as referenced in the report issued by the City Bylaw Enforcement department) were in fact caused by me, many of the compounding factors, such as the animals' inability to keep cool in stressful situations, or the flash point of dry hay, were completely out of my control. The idea of even having a Make Your Own Hot Dog Day, is still, I maintain, brilliant. I am however sorry for not digging a pit before igniting my large pit-fire. I am also sorry for storing the leftover supplies from Axe Body Spray Day beside my hot dog cooking pitless pit-fire. And finally, I am sorry for how I reacted, attempting to extinguish the flames by throwing animals atop it, even though that was surprisingly successful. It bears consideration that I would possibly not be here to write this apology letter if I had not acted as such. In fact, please disregard that last apology.

Yours sorrily,