Cracked Column Writing: Live!
======================================================================CRACKED LIVE MIRTH-DEALING TRANSCRIPT BEGINS 3:08am EST Oct 19th, 2010======================================================================Uh.....Uhm...Fuck me, is it 4 already?..Just pick something and go. It doesn't matter. It's just Cracked....
The 6 Awesomest Boat Winterizing TipsLike a lot of people, everyone here at Cracked owns eight boats.- Is that believable? Maybe I should go with 6. No, my readers aren't animals. They all own 8 to 9 boats minimum. If I claim I have any less, they'll think I'm poor and not worth listening to, like all poor people. And because boat winterizing is the second most fun a person can have on a boat (right after vaginal sex), we thought w'ed share some of our favourite boat winterizing tips!
Make sure to change the oil on your boat engine before you mothball it for the winter. Do this while the engine is warm, to help release any sediments or deposits in the internals. Using a pickup hose, flush the engine's coolant system with fresh water and antifreeze.
Finally, be sure to wipe the engine down with a spray lubricant.
- Mmmmmmm. Bit early for blood jokes.Finally, be sure to lube the engine with a cloth and some spray lubricant. Really get in there, like your the Karate Kid, and the boat is a Turkish bathhouse, and this is a completely different movie. Youll' know your doing this properly if anyone watching you immediately leaves._____________
Finally, be sure to wipe down the engine with the blood of an adult salmon to gain it's strength.
- Ok. Probably time for another joke. Should also consider starting up a running gag around here.
- But what? Well, what's funny? Penises, short people, hatchet attacks, the word "bowel" , throwing hula-hoops at giraffes at the zoo, bear-on-clown violence.
- And every one of them a cliche.
- How about I slowly drop hints that we're not so much winterizing a boat, as we are cleaning evidence off it after a horrific, not-very-accidental accident?If you expect that you will find any bone fragments in there, remember to wear gloves._____________Tip #3: Clean the hullBe sure to clean your boats' hull thoroughly before storing it for the season. If your taking it out of the water for the winter, this can be easily accomplished with a pressure washer. Storing it in the water mean's youll need some training and breathing apparatus to properly clean the hull.
- No. How about...
If your looking for a way to get all the semen off your boat...
- Hmmm. I like the idea of using a speedboat to run down a masturbating clown who is our enemy - this is a classic comedy scenario - but we've got to build up to it.Barnacles, seaweed and other biological growth can be cleaned off with warm water, a light detergent, and simple elbow grease. But if you have reason to think there will be any damning forensic evidence stuck to your hull, consider using a hydrogen peroxide based cleanser, like OxiClean, as well as the cover of night.
If your looking for a way to get all the clown semen off your boat...
- That picture of a lion humping a boat would go good here..._____________Tip #4: Fill the Fuel TankRemember to fill up the fuel tank before leaving your boat for the winter. This will minimize the amount of air in the tank, and help avoid buildup of any condensation.
- Damnit. I just had a thought. Wouldn't "live" mean actually writing it before hand, and just typing it live? It would, wouldn't it.
- Shit, too late now. Shit.
- Shit.Condensation can cause water to contaminate your fuel supply, which can cause fouling of your fuel system, and greatly inhibit any high speed getaway's that all boat owners sometimes have to make in the dead of winter. Plus, should the FBIs sex-murder investigators pick up your trail, yo'ure going to be thankful for the full tank of gas._____________Tip #5: The Crapper
- Better be careful here. This is seemingly a perfect venue for poo jokes, but it's also in a way, too perfect. Don't want to be predictable.If your'e like us here at Cracked, you likely don't use the head on your boat very often, preferring to hang whatever it is you need to hang off the windward side and letting fly.