'Oh, Christ' the look says. "I twisted my ankle this morning," she said with a shrug. No hesitation. "I'll have to take your place. We have to defend our introductory breakdancing dojo's honor!" "Chris, stop..." "Kathy, no. My whole life people have told me I'm too small to be a breakdancer..." "I guarantee that no one has told you that." "Well now's my chance to show those people that I don't listen!" "Chris, this is the Chips Ahoy! Ultimate Street Jam. This is the big time. You're not ready for this!" I moved my finger to her lips. "Be still. I won't let our crew down." Turning to face the dance floor I held my arm in the sky and yelled, "Wolverines!!!" ___ For obvious reasons I couldn't take notes while I was dancing, and the tape recorder which records every conversation I have fell out of my shorts quite early in my routine, along with, predictably, my genitals. So there's little physical evidence of what happened during my performance. Keeping that in mind, I think I'm being fair when I say that I made an enormous ass of myself. While many of the earlier dancers had appeared to spend large portions of their routines levitating off the ground, I spent rather more time stepping on my own hands. Seeing this, I made the tactical decision to ignore the moves taught during class (which clearly weren't good enough) and opted to make up something spectacular on the fly. Which is how I ended up kicking Kathy in the face, knocking over the Chips Ahoy! refreshment table and then kicking Kathy in the face again. Although I was sure that my funk-jaguar heart gave me an innate natural ability to funk-jaguar-rock the shit out of anything I chose, it was clear I lacked the practice to really compete at this level. And, admittedly, the desire. Even now, with the tape-wounds on my balls mostly healed, I knew that dancing was not the life for me. Fearing the embarrassment and stony silence and possible assault charges that would greet me when my routine ended, I decided to dance a hasty retreat, and solemnly thrashed and flopped my way through the doors of the multipurpose room and out of dance forever. _______________________________________
Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!