No need to ever return to Earth

Now that’s some real innovention!

You gotta at least give William Castle credit for trying — and trying and trying and trying

Here’s a three-dollar jar of bait, Mr. President

Don’t you dare try lip synching in Turkmenistan

You definitely never want to be a LOBNH, DKA, JPS or DMFNFL

It’s one thing to buy a winning scratch-off lotto ticket. It’s another to buy it just before you survive a fiery plane crash

Look, sometimes being funny requires total focus and concentration

Don’t get us wrong: Mickey D’s is awful. Just not for the reasons you think

We really need to start washing our hands better after going number two