14 Devastating Burns Hiding in Plain Sight
You know who sucks? The general public. You know when they suck even more? When they’re upset, or hurt, or sick, or anything else that they can whine about like irritating little weenies.
It’s therefore not unusual that doctors and the police find themselves occasionally incredibly annoyed at the people they have to deal with (the public also frequently find themselves upset by dealing with health-care systems and questionable police actions, but that’s another matter).
One outlet both medicine and the law have turned to is creating their own insulting jargon that can be presented in full view or earshot of the people involved, whether as a few extra terms added to a patient’s medical notes or an additional detail thrown into a radio conversation. Basically a consequence-free “a sphincter says what?” approach: pretty satisfying.
But, in the medical world at least, it’s said to be dying out — in situations involving litigation, every entry on a patient’s notes might be examined and have to be explained in court, and nobody wants to find themselves explaining to an unimpressed judge that, rather than any sort of medical advice, this particular term was just a way of calling a patient a dickhead.
Take One of These and Don’t Call Me in the Morning
A polite British doctor once explained to a court that that “TTFO” on the notes of a patient advised to return home was short for “to take fluids orally.” It in fact stood for “told to fuck off.” (Source)
An Occasional Byproduct of Acute MILF
While doctors on the children’s ward have been known to write “GLM” on notes, to communicate to their colleagues there is a Good Looking Mom involved, “FLK” — Funny Looking Kid — is also frequently used. (Source)
You’re All Better — High Six!
“NFN” written on a British patient’s sheet stands for “Normal for Norfolk,” a region of Britain with a (totally unfounded) (well, mainly unfounded) reputation for inbreeding. (Source)
And the Tylenol Goes to…
ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome) goes by different names around the world, and has been known in the States as MGM Syndrome — a patient putting on a big performance. (Source)
Hospital Food, and Lots of It
Similarly, CBT has countless global variants, the most common English-language ones being “chronic burger toxicity” and “chronic biscuit toxicity” — i.e., a bit of a husky fella. (Source)
Used in both law enforcement and medicine, describing someone’s condition with the suffix BUNDY — “but unfortunately not dead yet” — is, any way you look at it, pretty rough. (Source)
Cerebral Activity Minimal, Irritating
“CNS-QNS” written on someone’s notes is the fairly damning “central nervous system quantity not sufficient,” a deliberately obscure way of calling someone a dumbass. (Source)
Similarly, LOBNH (lights on but nobody home); faecal encephalopathy (shit for brains); DKA (doesn’t know anything); JPS (just plain stupid); and DMFNFL (dumb motherfucker not fit to live) showing up on your notes suggest you haven’t impressed your physician. (Source)
Grandma’s Got Confused Again
The word CRAFT sometimes shows up on elderly patients’ notes, or those of someone involved in a drunken incident. What this communicates, as subtly as possible, is that they “can’t remember a fucking thing.” (Source)
Unpleasant Last Words
Few of these terms are ones you’d want on your notes, but particularly AMYOYO syndrome, CTD and GPO: Alright motherfucker, you’re on your own; circling the drain; and good for parts only. Oh dear. (Source)
TSS or SFS look innocuous enough, but refer to a patient’s bodily hygiene — “toxic sock syndrome” and “stinky foot syndrome.” When half the other entries on this list seem to show outright contempt, “This guy’s feet smell!” is almost sweet. (Source)
Gourd Damn It
Being classed as “pumpkin positive” might raise some eyebrows, so its use is dwindling, but it’s very evocative — it refers to someone so stupid that, if you shone a flashlight in their mouth, their whole head would light up. (Source)
Chronic Cranial Excess
Not so much a slam as an observation — and one a trained professional can’t help but make — BFH often shows up on the notes of an FLK (see above) and refers, beautifully, to their Big Fucking Head. (Source)
DBI Scores Off the Chart
Problematic but undeniably funny, occasionally a patient’s “DBI” number will show up. This is a Dirt Bag Index score — the number of visible tattoos multiplied by the number of missing teeth to calculate the number of days since they bathed. (Source)