15 Badass Exoplanets to Send Your Nation's Intrepid Billionaires to Explore

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15 Badass Exoplanets to Send Your Nation's Intrepid Billionaires to Explore

If there’s one thing billionaires love, it’s exploring. Well, they might like a few things more (they all appear to be heavily into dressing like assholes, showing off on the internet and being terrible at marriage), but they definitely enjoy it.

Space exploration seems to be the billionaire dick-swing du jour, with the obscenely rich rushing to outdo each other in fartin’ about in the stars. Every time one billionaire makes a big statement about the moon, another one pops up and says, “Fuck that, I’m going to explode on Mars.” “Eat shit,” says another, “I’m going to throw a big diamond into a black hole.” Perhaps they briefly think about how they could be using their vast fortunes to help solve world hunger problems or find vital disease research or provide their workers with a living wage and health benefits, then actively decide not to.

They’re shit people. It is literally impossible to be a billionaire without being evil. Science has proved this. So, if they’re desperate to launch themselves into space, go for it. But they can be more ambitious than dying on Mars — let’s get ‘em heading really far.

It’s Getting Hot in Herre, So Give Up All Your Funds

KELT-9b is about 670 light-years from Earth, discovered by the adorably named Kilodegree Extremely Little Telescope. It’s hot there, real hot: The surface temperature is almost 18,000 degree. Go for it, billionaires. That’ll really show us. (Source)

Be the Coolest Billionaire Ever

OGLE-2016-BLG-1195Lb, which has a kind of “perverted Shrek” feel to it namewise, is 22,000 light-years away and cold as shit. All billionaires desperately wish they were cool — and nothing’s cooler than a surface temperature of 400 below zero. (Source)

Visit the Big Bang

WASP-183b is thought to be almost as old as the Universe itself. Go there. Go there with all your dirty, stinking money and feel your insignificance, for we are nought but specks of dust on the uncaring lens of time. (Source)

Visit the Universe’s Newest Hot-Spot

Proplyd-133-353 is thought to only be about half a million years old. That’s the space exploration equivalent of being an early adopter or going to that cool new restaurant the night it opens. It’s a hot-ass ticket. (Source)

Show Your Badassedness

Challenging another billionaire to a stupid fucking boxing match is one thing, but what’s even more badass than that? Hanging out on WASP-76b, described as “a Hell planet where it rains molten iron.” Off you go. (Source)

Hobnob with Rappers in Deep Space

The rich love hanging with the famous, and WASP-127b has a famous owner, Lil Uzi Vert. Well, he doesn’t actually own it, because goddamn it of course he doesn’t, but he’s convinced he does, as is Grimes, so that’s something. (Source)

You Like Treasure? Make It Rain, Baby!

You think you’re rich now? You’re a peasant compared to how rich you’d be after visiting WASP-121b, a planet where it rains rubies and sapphires. You’ll be so wealthy people will finally tell you you’re good! (Source)

Go to the Lava Planet, the Lava Will Kill You, Go There and Let It

Pay a visit to K2-141b and you’ll see something remarkable — a planet where Earth’s water cycle takes place, but in rock form, with oceans of lava evaporating and raining hot, hot storms. Go there and allow the inevitable to happen! (Source)

Be Mega-Rich on a Mega-Earth

You are massively wealthy, so why not visit a massively massive planet? K2-66b is a mega-Earth with a mass 21 times ours. It’s a big place to swan around like a giant rich asshole for a while. (Source)

Feel Bigger by Making the World You’re on Smaller

Kepler-37b is teeny-weeny, the smallest exoplanet yet discovered, with a radius only 30 percent that of Earth. Imagine how big you’ll feel there! Everyone who ever called you Smelly-Face will feel dumb when you’re the biggest man on the planet! (Source)

Live for a Thousand Years, You Deserve It!

The orbital period — i.e., the year — of SWIFT J1756.9−2508 is a mere 48 minutes and 55 seconds. Spend five Earth weeks on there and you’ve lived a thousand years, every billionaire’s dream. (Source)

Beat the Inexorable Passage of Time

Alternatively, travel to COCONUTS-2b to stave off death. It takes over one million Earth years to orbit its star once, so even as your body withers, you can convince yourself you’ve beaten mortality through being the richest and therefore best. (Source)

Witness Actual Climate Change and Show Everyone

WASP-12b, so hot that metals are gasses, but also unimaginably dark, is being slowly, excruciatingly sucked into its parent star. As, inevitably, a climate change denier, you can use this to awkwardly make a tedious point. You love that! (Source)

Do It for the ‘Gram

GJ 504b, 57 light-years away, sure is pretty. It’s a glowing pinky color, which means girls would like it. Right? That’s what girls are into, pink. You’ve never asked a woman a question, of course, but that’s what they like. (Source)

Tear a World Apart Just to Feel live

580 light-years away lies TOI-3757b, with such low density that it’s similar to an enormous, Jupiter-sized marshmallow. You could tear that apart. Imagine how virile you’d feel destroying a planet just for fun. Your spacesuit would be sopping with jizz! (Source)

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