15 Beloved Movies That Got Savagely Skewered By Professional Reviewers

If a movie reviewer travels deep enough into the charred core of their cold, black heart, they can find mean sh*t to say about even the most beloved of films: 

15

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot. VENTURA AAL ICRACKED COM Roger Ebert thought that Kids might like it; real little kids, and further mused that most of the people look as if they would rather be in other movies.

Source: Roger Ebert

14

Star Wars Episode IV was an assemblage of spare parts, an epic without a dream. The New York Times at least showed they were paying attention, calling it a junkyard of cinematic gimcracks not unlike the Jawas' heap of purloined, discarded, barely functioning droids.

Source: New Yorker

13

Thor was a desolate vastation. CRACKED.COM Roger Ebert, perhaps sensing the impending popularity of John Mulaney's Spider-Ham, thought this chapter of the growing MCU might perhaps be adequate for an animated film for children, with Thor, Odin and the others played by piglets.

Source: Roger Ebert

12

Fight Club was frankly and cheerfully fascist. Roger Ebert called it a celebration of violence in which the heroes write themselves a license to drink, smoke, screw and beat one another up. Summed up in a neat, sEO-friendly quip, it's macho porn.

Source: Roger Ebert

11

The Shining ...'s incredibly slack narrative line forestalls suspense. 404 eome CRACKED COM The Chicago Reader observed that Kubrick was aiming for a cool, sunlit vision of hell, but his psychological horror literal masterpiece was too banal to sustain interest.

Source: Chicago Reader

10

Armageddon was an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. Roger Ebert, obviously forgetting the entire animal cracker scene, called the dialogue either shouted one-liners or romantic drivel.

Source: Roger Ebert

9

Tommy Boy plays like an explosion down at the screenplay factory. # rt n WE aa nerte Roger Ebert called it an assembly of cliches, cobbled together by a bewildered office boy, his face smudged with soot, wandering through the ruins and rescuing pages at random.

Source: Roger Ebert

8

Dead Poets Society was shameless in its attempt to pander. Roger Ebert let 'er rip on this Robin Williams nonconfor-nography: If you are going to evoke Henry David Thoreau as the patron saint of your movie, then you had better make a movie he would have admired.

Source: Roger Ebert

7

Forrest Gump was glib, shallow, and monotonous. Gump CRAGKEDCON Entertainment Weekly said the movie spends SO much time sanctifying its hero that, despite his 'innocence,' he ends up seeming about as vulnerable as Superman. Why would they say something so controversial yet sO brave?

Source: EW

6

Lawrence of Arabia was surprisingly lusterless. In a burn for the ages, the New York Times positively nuked screenwriter Robert Bolt, saying Seldom has SO little been said in sO many words.

Source: NYTimes

5

Alien was a cinematic bastard, and a pretty mean bastard at that. That's Time who owes a small fortune to the Cheeky Swear Jar. They claimed the film attempts to crossbreed the scare tactics of Jaws with the sci-fi hardware of Star Wars, but comes up wanting in wit,

Source: Time

4

Caddyshack was a vaguely likable, too-tame comedy. Variety said this SNL alumni masterpiece was all just an unabashed bid for the mammoth audience which responded to the anti-establishment outrageousness of National Lampoon's Animal House.

Source: Variety

3

The Godfather Part I was a Frankenstein monster stitched together from leftover parts. lE FHn Godfalher CRACKED.COM The New York Times elaborated: It talks. It moves in fits and starts but it has no mind of its own. If I may... the NYT certainly knows a thing or two about

Source: NYTimes

2

The Wizard of Oz weighs like a pound of fruitcake soaking wet. METRO-COLDWYN-MAYER'S TECHNICOLOR ARIUMPH! CRACKED CON The New Republic wished they'd snuck in a little comedy amidst the dwarfs, music, Technicolor, freak characters and Judy Garland. It was the fantasy element, specifically, that weighed... exactly one pound.

Source: New Republic

1

The Human Centipede occupies a world where the stars don't shine. CRACKED COM It appears that this film fully broke Roger Ebert, who gave it a O-star review: I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited

Source: Roger Ebert