That Doctor: Not an intern. An internist. I focus on the prevention and treatment of diseases.
Me: Do you deal with insurance companies regularly?
That Doctor: I do. I would say about 90 percent of the patients I see are insured.
Me: Great. And do you have any comment on the rumor that the loose skin on your neck looks a little like a testicle sack?
That Doctor: ...
That Doctor: I made the rules under which I would do this interview very clear.
Me: It's important for the readers of my little blog to have an accurate picture of you in their minds. I've heard that people sometimes equate the folds and coloration of your ears to labia, do you think that's a fair assessment?
That Doctor: No one has ever said that.
Me: I just did.
That Doctor: So the Affordable Care Act.
Me: Ugh, what about it?
That Doctor: I don't know. This is your interview. Do you agree with it?
Me: Do you?
That Doctor: Yes.
Me: Then no, I hate it.
That Doctor: I'm sorry to hear that.
Me: What's so great about it anyway?
That Doctor: Well to start, 30 million people who couldn't previously get affordable health insurance will have it now. That's not just exciting news for sick people, it's also a huge step for preventative care in this country. I think there are a lot of people who are already insured who think this will hurt them in some way, when it won't. It removes lifetime and annual limits, no one can be dropped just for getting sick. It's all upsides, even for people on Medicare, it give seniors a discount on prescri- What are you doing?
Me: Jesus, you're nosy. I'm just going through your drawers, detective. Is that illegal? I think this letter opener is mine.
That Doctor: That one. With my initials on it.
Me: Yeah, I can just go ask her if she accidentally took it with her. Your wife. I used to see her naked, you know. I bet she could clear up this whole letter opener mess right now. Is she here?
Granted, my memory is hazier than I would like.
That Doctor: She's not here.
Me: Hmm. Probably for the best. The fire is still too hot to touch I guess.
That Doctor: I knew this was going to be a waste of time.
Me: I'm going to take it just in case. If it turns out to be yours, she can just come pick it up at my place. Anytime. My weeks are pretty open. Tell her that.