The 7 Stupidest Ways We're Promoting Abstinence

He doesn't even wear makeup, because he's already so horrifically clowny that you can feel it crawling off his bare skin from a digital photograph. He got into abstinence clowning when he mistakenly identified his ability to absolutely prevent any sex as a superpower.

After the story broke, Derek's YouTube video was removed, then his entire website was removed, then the hiring agency -- which had received an $800,000 federal grant -- starting contacting websites and demanding they remove all photographic evidence. So we've got federally funded agents destroying all proof of an escaped blade-tossing genital-targeting clown. Sorry, conspiracy theorists, but everything you've ever been terrified of was pathetic compared to that. And from now on we're going to consider "using protection" to include at least three sheets of plate steel over every building entrance.

If sex makes you picture talking teddy bears, don't have sex. If you do, sex really will lead to tragedy, expense and pain: specifically a huge Care Bears toy receipt, scissors and polypropylene cotton chafing.

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Can she see that bear, too? Because there's no good answer for her either way.

People taking sexual advice from teddy bears don't need abstinence videos; they need parents who don't leave them unattended near van-filled parking lots quite so often. The video is a double sexual tragedy, because you've got two teens who care enough to spend hours together setting up cameras, roleplaying and using props. That's better than most people manage with sex. And I don't think they meant their video to highlight one of the main problems of abstinence. Look at them agreeing not to have sex until they're married:

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Now look at them married:

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They "waited" exactly as long as it took to change into a wedding dress and get to the church, and real people often skip the first step. A spouse is someone you can share your life and dreams with. Puberty settles for "alive" and "will let you." Then the lack of birth control means that they have to stop having sex before they've gotten any good at it, and two people who didn't even know if they could stand each other in the first place suddenly have to deal with a combination of all their worst traits that shits itself. Abstinence causes more broken homes than hurricanes.

That was legendary All Black ex-captain Sean Patrick asking New Zealanders to abstain from sex for six weeks, which is a damn weird thing to do while driving an electric pink fisting-mobile on loan from a pride parade.

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"Seriously, Sean, a giant motor-driven plastic fist is the perfect vehicle for a non-sexual message. Now get in and drive it for me while I set up my video cameras. Yes, like that."

If trying to restrain your sexual urges means thinking of a squad of burly rugby players, you are one important revelation away from cutting the legs off your jeans and being much happier. He implores viewers to power an All Black victory in the 2011 Rugby World Cup with "Abstain for the game!" Even as a joke, the idea of avoiding sex for sport is ludicrous. Was he trying to create an army of orgone-overcharged All Blacks to descend with throbbing fury? Because that would work. No team would stand against that. A tank battalion wouldn't stand against that.

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"That's not fair, now I STILL feel inadequate!"

The campaign symbol was wearing a black rubber ring with a logo on your ring finger, and nobody will convince me that's not visual code for doing something filthy with fun strangers. When your sexual cues have moved past basic color-coding to specific symbols and materials, your idea of a sexual fetish would be most people's idea of biological metaphysics. And picturing highly trained physical specimens while pushing your flesh through an all-black ring isn't abstaining; it's the power of imagination, and will soon need some tissues.

Bristol would do a better job of sex education with $15,000 by printing pictures of herself on boxes of condoms and distributing them, though that would backfire and work as abstinence education. And because it's something to do with abstinence that would actually work, she didn't do it.

He writes like a first year poli-sci student in a news comments section -- he's just discovered this amazing new thing and he's out to explain it to the rest of us morons. He informs us that anyone popping the freshness seal on their genitals without written permission from God -- enacting His Holy Genital Activation Slip through the divine agency of a bored desk official -- just didn't get laid as well as he did.

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"I've ticked the 'multiple' box, now she HAS to have orgasms."

He bases this argument on one data point. That is scientifically stupid. In fact, basing a comparison of two things on only one is the sort of stupid you only get when backed-up hormones dissolve important parts of your brain. The column decries "floozies" and "harlots" while crowing "I win," like reading Ezekiel of the Old Testament getting his first blowjob, and I know for a goddamn fact which of those two actions Stephen has experienced.

The sponsored ads on the same page listed rapid wedding invitations, facts about genital warts, purity rings and safety covers for swimming pools. In its crude way, even the adbot computer is desperately trying to let these people know about plastic wrappings that can keep you from getting in trouble when diving into fluids. When Amazon's targeting algorithm is better at sex education than you, you should just let your kids learn everything about sex from totally unreasonable porn videos, because at least now you're finally being honest about what they're already doing.

If you're wondering if this stupid song came with a way to act out the lyrics, you already know the answer, because you used the word "stupid." Teens danced around drawing an invisible square box around their crotches with their fingers. Because if anything will avoid sex, it's dancing together while pawing at your own crotch. Did we mention the event had the rap sung by cheerleaders?

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Because those are a great way to stop teens from thinking about sex.

Those teens aren't prancing along because you've overridden the fundamental drive of all life-forms. They're obeying because it genuinely isn't their problem yet. When hormones hit their brain like a battering ram made of a firing Saturn V booster, your precious little jingle will work like a toilet-roll umbrella: Those kids will be defenseless, soaking wet and covered in stringy white material. You're sending them into a battle against their own bodies unarmed, and they only think it's a battle because you told them so.

Recommending that teenagers shouldn't have sex until they know what the hell they're doing is a great idea. Refusing to teach them about the cheap, widely available products that can prevent them from ruining their lives when they do something hormonally stupid -- which is a teenager's entire biological function -- is generational manslaughter.

Luke also explains How Whiskey Is Pure Wisdom and the greatest Bond video game ever made. He has a website, tumbles and responds to every single tweet.

For more sexual madness, check out The 7 Most Terrifying Sex Toys Ever Patented and 15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares. Both of which work better as abstinence education than any of the above.