Felix Clay
·
Are you familiar with Rule 34? If you're an Internet person, you immediately know what it means. If not, you've likely been victimized by it. Rule 34 is a fake yet surprisingly reliable "rule" of the Internet which states that if something exists, there is porn of it. And by something, we mean anything. Literally anything you may have seen or heard of before. Nazis, Golden Grahams, Care Bears, amputee hillbillies, the Koch brothers, whatever. There's porn.
Lots of people assume that Rule 34 is tongue in cheek, a bit of Internet culture hyperbole as a reaction to the abundance of curious porn that does exist. I argue that it is not. It is terrifyingly real. I have traveled down the rabbit hole and through the mouth of madness. I solved the puzzle box. I Googled the unGoogleable. And now, with the help of Photoshop censorship, I will share with you the awful truth of Rule 34. Get some popcorn!
There's a whole porn industry out there dedicated to making adult images out of your favorite cartoons. You want to see Shaggy plow Velma? There's pictures of it. George Jetson ramrodding Rosie the Robot? Oh yeah. You can even find Star Fox making a man out of Q-Bert if you look hard enough. But what cartoon do you think, more than any other, deserves a little pornograffiti? Yes. American Dad.
On the surface, you might question why I should elevate American Dad above any other cartoon. Why Seth MacFarlane's second and somewhat less popular dig at neocon super patriots? Two good reasons. One, American Dad features a bulbous-headed alien named Roger, and two, the porn someone created based on this was live action. There is live action Roger the alien from American Dad porn out there right now. Right now.
The idea of a malcontent, scrot-headed naked gray alien in a live action porno is, by now, not especially weird, but it's worth noting that the actor in the movie tries to replicate Roger's voice, and this is what a typical scene looks like:
That's a cowboy hat and a feather boa. Also, they didn't even put a sheet on the mattress, and everyone knows that's just insane. It's so slippy and weird. Yuck.
Pandas were invented by the Chinese in the 1960s as a way of marketing food in America. Their adorable appearance and can-do attitude made the world love them, and the fact that, for bears, they seem like they'd never disembowel you is a real selling point. God, just look at 'em!
How to fit pandas into porn is certainly a daunting question. Bestiality being one of the few kinds of porn even Cracked writers tend to wrinkle their noses at, it's not a big winner with most audiences. So if you really want to make panda porn, and I assure you that someone did, then you take the next logical step -- a story about a crazy girl who sees people in panda costumes everywhere getting gangbanged in a delusional bamboo forest. It starts as an aggressive gang rape scenario (with pandas) that quickly degenerates into the crazy girl in question being a willing participant, because panda rape is a turn-off, but rough panda sex is pretty OK.
The aftermath of every teddy bear's picnic.
Highlights of the film include multiple penetrations and sad shots of background pandas just masturbating in a lonely fashion while they wait their turn and struggle to breathe in their giant panda heads. Also, when it's all done, everyone curls up for a nap on the floor, except for one super creepy panda who just crouches and watches, his human hands hanging limp and suggesting that either they didn't get the gloves with his costume or this panda doesn't care enough about his craft to stay in character after the film's climax.
Jurassic Park was the highest-grossing film of all time at the time of its release in 1993 and is now the 24th-highest-grossing film of all time. At no point in the film, the book it was based on, or any of its sequels does a lady have sex with three pterodactyls. You can look it up.
The pterodactyl porn is something of a porn video legend. I can find uploads from as far back as 2001 on the Internet and people in forums saying they'd seen it years earlier. How old is pterodactyl porn? Maybe no one knows. Maybe it's so old that those are real pterodactyls, we don't know. I mean, we know, because it's three guys in awful costumes, but shut up.
The relative age of the pterodactyl porn is startling. As you know, every year on the Internet is like 10 years in real life. Things rot and fester and become more despicable at least 10 times faster, so the fact that this thing has persevered is stunning, as is the fact that it was created way back when. We all like to think that when the Internet started it was nothing but recipes for bran muffins and gifs of kittens, but alas, that's not true at all.
Claymation is the world's least loved form of animation. No one really likes it -- we just put up with it because we understand that we could never do something like that ourselves. It must be daunting as hell to make those raisins dance and sing, not to mention all the effort going into smoothing the fingerprints out of Gromit's face. But at the end of the day, everything looks a bit like the nightmares of a cartoon sex offender. And that's a pretty decent segue into this video.
This particular art is entitled seximation. It was created by master of the genre Shitwolf and stars Fred Tunnle Fucker and Tammy Tit Lick. No, I'm not the one who mistyped "tunnel." It could be a family name, though, so I'm just leaving it as is.
I couldn't tell who was who at first, but I guess the one with hair is Tammy. Fred is bald, and may also be Eric Bana's character from Star Trek. The action is intensely shaky and also made of clay, meaning it's terrible in every way. It's sexy in the way that being kicked in the stomach after a big meal is sexy. Remember that guy in the movie Se7en? I typed it with a number in it because I'm picking up what David Fincher was putting down. I'm totally hep. Hep!
If I had to guess, I'd say that probably only stop motion animation would be more off-putting in a pornographic setting, because when I think of stop motion, I tend to imagine Japanese horror movies and old Harryhausen flicks, neither of which I have been able to really appropriately fap to. However, watching Claymation anal is really up there on the list of things that don't cause much groin jitterbugging.
If you were creating a list of sexy spokescritters, who would top that list? Certainly the Michelin Man, with all his sexy, soft curves. That fuckin' hot green M&M. Maybe the Pillsbury Doughboy, if you're into that sort of thing. But where would Mr. Peanut fall? Mr. Peanut, a melding of Mr. Burns and the Monopoly Guy, plus a healthy dose of allergens. Is Mr. Peanut sexy? Hell no.
Is this Mr. Peanut porn shoot photo real? Is it a staged piece of art to make us all feel bad that we have seen such a thing and wondered if there were any jokes on set about being salted? I don't have the answers to these questions. All I have is what appears to be Mr. Peanut on the happy end of mouth lovin'. But it does stand as a testament to the breadth and scope of Rule 34. Cartoons, insects, wild beasts? These things are amateur hour. Someone out there is delving into anthropomorphic legumes. That shit is tight.
I searched high and low for a video clip to come along with this one still image, but I was unsuccessful. Of course my hands were cramped by this point and typing was an issue, plus my computer kept correcting me to Mr. Penis, which will find you all kinds of pics and videos, but very few that I actually saved to my hard drive.
I hope there's a legitimate, full-length Mr. Peanut porn out there somewhere, and that during the movie, he speaks with a hoity-toity New England accent and exclaims loudly about how he has so many dry-roasted bitches up on his nuts. And after the movie, there's a secret scene in which Mr. Peanut and the Noid and Tony the Tiger gangbang the Aflac Duck. Mostly because I want to hear Gilbert Gottfried (or the guy who impersonates him) in the throes of passion. Don't you judge me.
What's the most erotic thing you can think of? Is it humping in the dairy aisle? Is it Adam Tod Brown in a bathtub full of gravy? Is it a terrifying, alopecia-suffering spider woman with multiple eyes and legs? Is it that? If it's that, you're in luck. If it's one of the first two, maybe I can help you out there, too, send me an email later.
For you arachnophiles, someone did make spider porn, and it's so much worse than the name suggests. Like maybe you just read the segment on panda porn and saw the pictures and thought, "Well, I feel bad inside, but it's not like I want to use steel wool on my brain and genitals." Hold that thought.
There's a German word for this. It's AAAAGHH!!
As you can see, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I'm sorry. Even a sweet pair of perky Sorens can't compensate for that mug. If your penis responds to this with anything other than a high-pitched shriek, like the sound from a boiling kettle, as it bids a full-on retreat into your abdomen, then you are dirty in the soul. Your spiritual self is made of the latent energy expelled when dinosaurs shat themselves to death eons ago.
The story in this cinematic gem is that our protagonist -- let's call him Russell -- is a foul-mouthed gentleman looking through boxes in an attic. He's dropping F-bombs and hates his job, near as I can figure. And he's being spied on by an awful, naked spider lady.
Spider lady creeps out and Russell runs in a panic, as anyone should, because fuck that. But when I say fuck that, I don't mean like "fuck" that. I just mean eew. He runs downstairs and there's a locked gate of some kind, and -- this isn't relevant, but I need you to know this -- there's a bulldog sitting on the other side of the gate staring at him. I like to think that someone brought it to the set that day because they like hanging out with their dog and thought the dog might enjoy watching a spider porn shoot. Later they went out for burgers.
One minute into the video and the spider lady is on Russell. He's screaming, he's panicking, and within about 10 seconds, he's enjoying the sweet sensations and an arachno-BJ. There's a solid 11 minutes left of this that unfold exactly like every porno you've ever seen, only awful. So awful. Then it ends with her killing him, I guess, so that's a bit different.
There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.
Hollywood has taken the entirely wrong message from its box office receipts.
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
Some days you just don't want to go to work.
1979 Comments