What's the most erotic thing you can think of? Is it humping in the dairy aisle? Is it Adam Tod Brown in a bathtub full of gravy? Is it a terrifying, alopecia-suffering spider woman with multiple eyes and legs? Is it that? If it's that, you're in luck. If it's one of the first two, maybe I can help you out there, too, send me an email later.
For you arachnophiles, someone did make spider porn, and it's so much worse than the name suggests. Like maybe you just read the segment on panda porn and saw the pictures and thought, "Well, I feel bad inside, but it's not like I want to use steel wool on my brain and genitals." Hold that thought.
There's a German word for this. It's AAAAGHH!!
As you can see, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I'm sorry. Even a sweet pair of perky Sorens can't compensate for that mug. If your penis responds to this with anything other than a high-pitched shriek, like the sound from a boiling kettle, as it bids a full-on retreat into your abdomen, then you are dirty in the soul. Your spiritual self is made of the latent energy expelled when dinosaurs shat themselves to death eons ago.
The story in this cinematic gem is that our protagonist -- let's call him Russell -- is a foul-mouthed gentleman looking through boxes in an attic. He's dropping F-bombs and hates his job, near as I can figure. And he's being spied on by an awful, naked spider lady.
Spider lady creeps out and Russell runs in a panic, as anyone should, because fuck that. But when I say fuck that, I don't mean like "fuck" that. I just mean eew. He runs downstairs and there's a locked gate of some kind, and -- this isn't relevant, but I need you to know this -- there's a bulldog sitting on the other side of the gate staring at him. I like to think that someone brought it to the set that day because they like hanging out with their dog and thought the dog might enjoy watching a spider porn shoot. Later they went out for burgers.
One minute into the video and the spider lady is on Russell. He's screaming, he's panicking, and within about 10 seconds, he's enjoying the sweet sensations and an arachno-BJ. There's a solid 11 minutes left of this that unfold exactly like every porno you've ever seen, only awful. So awful. Then it ends with her killing him, I guess, so that's a bit different.