4

The Ataris Lamely Attempt to Alter Don Henley to Seem More Hardcore

Hey, remember the Ataris? I don't. I had to have someone remind me. By the way, if you're trying to remind someone of the Ataris, a good clue is "Hey, remember that band from 10 years ago that sucked who covered Don Henley's "The Boys of Summer"?

Anyway, there's a lot of '80s music that still holds up without holding the taint of the decade. And there are songs that are clearly born of that decade and yet still wonderful pieces of music. Henley's "The Boys of Summer" is in the latter category. All the programming and studio whiz-bangs don't take away from the solid song construction, evocative lyrics, and sensational (and demanding) vocal performance.

What did the Ataris do? Well, they stripped it down, rocked it up, and didn't sing it as well. That's inoffensive enough. It's a solid hard pop rock arrangement, and as mentioned, it's a demanding vocal. But then they did something truly offensive -- not because it was so awful, but so pointless:

3

Nirvana Proves That Heroin Impairs Reading/Memorization

I know I'm going to upset a lot of people, so let me apologize right up front: I'm sorry I banged all your moms.

Despite what even some of my friends think, I never hated Nirvana. I just take exception when someone ascribes them a greatness beyond being a talented band that wrote some catchy pop rock songs. And this brings us to their MTV Unplugged cover of David Bowie's 1971 song "The Man Who Sold the World." Kurt says it's one of his favorite Bowie songs before he plays, which is weird, because he clearly has the lyrics and sheet music in front of him for the performance. If you go to any coffee shop in your town, you can hear some insufferable twat play his favorite pop songs for two hours without resorting to sheet music. Why? Because it's his job and he's getting paid to perform, so that's what he's supposed to do.

And if your performance is going to be televised and you're playing one of your favorite songs by a music legend, maybe that's even more of a reason to be prepared. But what do I know? I mean, I also think if all your songs are four chords and under, you shouldn't really need to hire a backup guitarist to copy everything for you.

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Hey, I have bills to pay!"

2

The Animals Change the Narrator's Gender (And Therefore the Whole Point of) "The House of the Rising Sun"

Do you know "The House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals? If you do, relax, I'm not going to rag on it. It's one of the best rock songs of the '60s, and it contains one of the best rock/blues/pop vocals ever. It really is a great song, and I can't say the Animals messed up the original, because no one even knows who wrote the original, and, therefore, it's ripe for reinvention. Nevertheless, even though it's a traditional song, it's traditionally about a woman.

It was about a woman when Woody Guthrie sang it and Bob Dylan and Joan Baez and Nina Simone. Woody and Bob didn't mind that it was about a woman even when they sang it in first person, and Nina and Joan were cool with that, too. And although the lyrics are not overt, it becomes pretty clear that when it's sung in the traditional female perspective, it's about ending up a hooker in a house of prostitution.

1

Hilary Duff Adds One Word to a Who Song and Earns a Special Place in Hell

Boy, it's been a long time since anyone said Hilary Duff sucks. Hating on Hilary Duff is so old school, like tooling on Ashlee Simpson or Britney Spears. But hey, I set about to find the worst lyrical changes in music history, and there's just no way not to put this as number one.

"My Generation" is the Who's signature song. But more than a rock 'n' roll classic, it is arguably the theme song for all nihilistic, rebellious youth. It is an anthem about being young and free and stupid. Live hard and leave a pretty corpse.

But if you're Hilary Duff and you suck, you might not want to approve such a negative, anti-authority message. That's fine. There's a solution for that. It's called DON'T DO A COVER OF "MY GENERATION." But sadly, she did, and ...

"I hope I die before I get old" BECAME "I hope I DON'T die before I get old"

Aside from spitting on the band she's covering by altering the intent of their lyrics 180 degrees, the word change also mixes horribly with the rest of the lyrics. Instead of being about a person who believes only youth can be trusted to live life to the fullest, she just seems to hate old people while still hoping to become one! Although, in Hilary's defense, singing a song about embracing short-sighted, selfish half measures probably does describe her generation pretty well.

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