The 5 Ways We Define Love (And Why They're Wrong)

Anyway, the most famous line from Love Story is the phrase "Love means never having to say you're sorry," which is actually said twice in the film. The first time by Jennifer (the poor but feisty girl) to Oliver (the rich but kind boy) after he tries to apologize for losing his temper. Later in the film, after she dies (because that's what lovers in shitty love story movies do), Oliver says it to his father (the rich ogre), who apologizes for not approving of his son's relationship.

I get it. Jenny taught Oliver something. Point made. But what did she teach him? I don't know. We could argue and debate what exactly that means, but I'm not going to. Maybe it means if you're in love the person you're with knows your heart and doesn't sweat the small stuff. Maybe it means love is having no regrets, as in never being sorry for being in love, but that's stupid, because the phrase is said in the context of apologies that have nothing to do with that. I'm not sure. Neither are you. Neither is my boss, Jack O'Brien. I asked him, too. No one knows. (Although Jack did send me a note that read, "Love is not having to answer your stupid questions, loser," which I think was a bit harsh.) But I tell you what: If you have strong opinions on the phrase, write your best guess in the comments and then delete that comment. This is the Internet. There's no capacity for that level of comprehension. We only understand things with graphical rating systems.

So how good is "Love means never having to say you're sorry" as a definition of love?

I'm giving that a 1 out of a possible 5 hearts, 5 being an excellent definition and 1 being pretty crappy, although probably not as crappy as Love Story and Titanic are in terms of movies.

Why only 1? Because love may be confusing and hard to understand, but definitions of love shouldn't be equally obscure.

Oh, jokes! What do people see in them? Anyway, for many, love and sex are inextricably tied. Look on the cover of any Cosmo magazine. It's all how to give your boyfriend a mind-blowing orgasm -- not how to make him care about you more. (Spoiler alert: butt stuff.) Guys are told over and over that marriage means sleeping with the same chick for the rest of your life. The obvious analysis then becomes "Oh shit, then I better make sure the sex is awesome. The most awesomest sex, if that's the only kind I'm gonna get!" Nevertheless, while high-quality sex is an important part of anyone's existence and a balanced breakfast, it's a shitty definition of love. There is no orgasm good enough to sustain 50 years of marriage. Therefore ...

Ideally, you will have wonderful, satisfying sex with the person of your dreams, but you can't gauge how much someone will fill your heart by how much they spill your ejaculant.

Don't believe me? Well, let me put it in a way the Internet understands:

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Look, getting along and not arguing is important for love. Not arguing is great. It's very pleasant to date someone with whom you don't argue, but as a definition of love? Um ...

Think of all the people you don't argue with: your postman, your dentist, your co-worker who doesn't wash after flushing. It's a sign of nothing. Love should be alive, and it can be messy. If you can't argue with someone, then you probably can't talk to them, either. If there's not enough passion to make you angry, then there's probably not enough love to make you smile. Not a polite pleasant smile, but a big love smile. A smile that makes your ears hurt.

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No, that's not a good definition, either.

Here's the thing. The people who are best at making you feel like you're a hero are people who really need a hero, who are desperate for salvation in the form of another human being. Basically, the people who make you feel like a hero the best are the people who need it the most. They're in trouble. And they are trouble.

And guess what? If YOU need to be someone's hero to feel loved, YOU'RE trouble, too. It's an intense feeling both ways. Having someone be your savior and one true path to happiness feels just like love. Knowing someone looks at you like Jesus Christ, but one they get to have sex with, feels like love, too. But at the end of the day, it's not.

In any event, that pretty quickly put an end to my dog-wanting desires. Fetch seemed fun and all, but not worth cleaning up shit. For that, you'd need ... love. And the more I think about it, that's the best definition of love I know. Love is cleaning shit.

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Hmm, not really the right ring to it, either. Must be why my resume to SomeECards has gone unanswered.

But think about it. What better definition is there? It's not just social services that makes parents change hundreds of diapers filled with godawful stuff. Parents clean their kids' shit because love. People take care of their dogs because love. And what about cats? Well, cats are evil and they know they're evil and that's why they bury their own shit -- so they can be indebted to nothing and no one.

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"Yeah, I'll clean my own shit, thanks. I owe you nothing!"

My friend told me a story once about having a horrific virus while he was sharing a bed with his girlfriend. Long story short, he woke up at three in the morning having crapped the bed, creating some horrible diarrhea-designed mess. He crawled off to the shower, and when he returned, his girlfriend was cleaning the sheets. That's the day he decided to marry her, and that's as good a reason as I can think of.

Love can be messy and complicated and painful. Lives built together can be sloppy and ugly and unpleasant. The best definition of love we have is finding a friend willing to roll up some sleeves and get to work, by your side, in the shit.

If you're in New York City, come see Gladstone do standup April 12, 2013, at The Saloon. Show starts at 7 p.m.

Or come see him film a live new episode of HATE BY NUMBERS at the Calgary Expo on April 26, 2013. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.